A preface, to my Internet: I love you guys. You're so sweet to me. Listen. I think I'm fine about Mom. Really. My hair. Well, what can I say? Some people like it. ("Your hair looks great"..."I love this woman...as a blonde or a brunette, either way.") Others...not so much. ("You look like a prostitute"..."just doesn't suit you.")¹ Either way, I'm fine and I appreciate you guys giving a hoot about me. Seriously. I'll get there. Now Mom's even further from my mind, actually. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just...there's just a lot that's going on here that's taken my mind off...her. That's what I'll get to in a second. I just wanted to say thank you for your concern. You needn't worry, though. (You like that? "Needn't?" That's right.) On to current events...about which I'm sure I'll thank you for your support AGAIN!

It's been a rollercoaster here. I used to love rollercoasters. Then I hated them for years. Then I loved them again, but I guess that's not really the point. I'm making a metaphor here, Internet. Whoa. Pull it back, Margene. Sorry about that. Sorry I snapped at you, Internet. Especially after I thanked you for being so nice. It's been a cruddy day.

There's been a ton of up and down around here lately...that's what I'm getting at. The past day and a half has been tough. It's hard for me to manage sometimes. Believe me, I know I'm definitely part of everyone else's ups and downs, so pointing fingers is just plain stupid, but...anyway... We just got through a big free fall and...it wasn't fun or exhilarating or any of that. It was scary and disorienting and it sucked. I think we've bottomed out...hopefully, in a good way...but I don't know. Everyone seems pretty shell-shocked. We just did a big drop and now we're doing the click-click-click back up the steep hill that I can't see the top of. No one's talking. And it's kinda scary. Are we gonna be more prepared for the next drop? Will we see it coming? Will it be fun instead of...not?

Here's the deal: Ana left this afternoon.

There was the ceremony. There was the kiss. There was a fight. There was her leaving.

It's not worth going into the details because there are a lot of them and like I said, it's just not gonna be helpful (to me or anyone) to tell you who did what and what that led to. We're all responsible. And we're all the victims of each other's...behavior, I guess. It's sad. It's a weird, empty feeling. I guess it goes without saying that I've never been part of a collective of people who one person rejected. I've been rejected. EveryONE has been rejected. But when your clan² is rejected all together, I thought there'd be more initial...group recovery or whatever. I don't know. That sounds like a complaint, but that's not what I'm really jonesing for or anything it's just...I don't know (what DO I know?). It's interesting, actually...if I wanna put some positive spin on it and consider it a learning moment. Ana left - literally walked out of the door - and we all went our separate ways for those first few hours. We reconvened for a tiny dinner and afterwards we talked a little. Bill didn't really know what to say - no one did - so we just kinda sat there...smacking, staring into space. Wayne got explosive diarrhea so Nicki dealt with him then she went straight to bed at 7:45. Barb was all about doing Nell's nighttime what-have-you's. Bill took one of his books about Lincoln down into the basement. I just...I didn't really do anything. I tried to read a little bit. I watched some TV, but everything annoyed me. I took a bath. There wasn't enough hot water. This is a boring post. I don't know what to say. We're just...we're all just sitting alone, really. I wonder if Nicki's asleep. We haven't gotten to the point where we're "dealing with this together," even though that's what Bill said we need to try to do sooner rather than later. We'll see. Maybe tomorrow at breakfast we can start that. Probably not, though.

UGH. I don't know what to say, Internet. I feel brain dead like I've been up for two straight days. Did we blow it? Is it some kind of blessing in disguise? Is it...I really hope we didn't blow it. I don't like thinking that. We don't have room for any regret. That could be a tumor that doesn't stop growing. I don't know. I'll just have to follow Bill's lead on this one. A lot was said. Feelings were definitely hurt. But I hope we don't have too many more nights like this one. Everyone separated. Everyone alone. That's not who we are. This happened to all of us. And hopefully we'll pull ourselves together.

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¹SuzanaLee and Sonyadom (and everyone else, but I quoted those two)?thank you for your posts. As always, I appreciate them.
²Wrong word?