I've really done some work on myself in the past couple days, even though there has been more...craziness going on around me than at one other point in my life. As my last post might have suggested, I have decided, once and for all, to take control of life. I'm proud of myself for deciding this, as stupid as it sounds. To me, that, in and of itself, is something I should be proud of...the decision to change some things. And also, I've learned some things during this mini-process that have helped me relax a little bit about what's going on all around me (crazy or not), no matter how hard it is to believe that it's all real. First I've realized there is a whole buttload of things so far beyond my control that I cannot even try to change them or wrangle them to the ground and ask them what the hell they think they're doing. It's such a relief to really and truly realize this...at least it was for me. Seriously, it's not like that's some ancient Chinese wisdom or anything...I know it's more obvious than that. People know it, but...well, they claim to know that little rule. They say it out loud, but they don't think about what it means. And until you take some of the pressure off yourself to control everything from the rotation of the earth to the time lunch is served, you will absolutely go crazy. I don't even think I was someone who tried to control everything. A week ago, I'da said, "Of course you can't control everything, but..." and it's that "but" that means you don't quite it just yet. Like I said, I don't think I was obsessive about controlling stuff, but I was someone who tried to control more than I could actually handle. And it made everything harder. It felt like trying to take three deep breaths in a tiny room with only enough air for two small breaths. So, Nell and I got in the bath one night, turned off all the lights and just sat there. Hot water and darkness is the recipe for some good ME-time...or so it seems to me and my little ladyfriend, Nelly-Poo Buttonface, who's sitting right next to me right now, sleepy as all get out. It was that night - three nights ago now - that I decided there's too much to get a grip on to get a grip on everything. That was really freeing and it was a really good start.

Next, I decided that I got too many of my own issues pumping through my veins to take on other people's. A lot of times, people vomit all their problems onto everyone else and everyone else takes it...deals with it simultaneously...struggles with it...thinks about it...takes it on as partially their own...whether they want to or not. That's fine. If that's how some people are, that's how some people are. But I don't have to be that way and, to my point here, I don't WANT to take on their stuff. I can control doing that. I don't wanna be some kinda Unabomber loner or anything; I wanna be sympathetic and listen. I'm not saying I want to just ignore everyone so I can live in some blissful world where all I think about is ME. In these houses, that's impossible...in a good way. But I don't have to take it on myself - I don't have to feel the weight the same way, say, Nicki does right now...the way she wants me to when she tries to explain why she's doing the things she does that make her life so gosh dang complicated. I'll listen as patiently as I can. I help when I can. I'll kick her in the butt when I can. (Man I wanna kick her in the butt sometimes!) But her problems aren't mine, no matter how much she wants them to be (mine or Barb's or Bill's or anyone else's). AND, I can't change it. They're hers. Nicki is a mess. From where I'm sitting, it sure looks like she's overwhelmed with the countless bad decisions she's made and now that the cat's out of the bag, no matter how much her mistakes affect us as a family and as individual people, they're her mistakes to think about, figure out, and eventually make right. She said she was scared, and I told her she should be. She's been lying so much to so many people, and when you do that, controlling it all is all you think about. That must be so terrible. (I went through a pretty big lying phase when I was, like, 19 or so...late teens somewhere...and I was so miserable all the time.) But back to Nicki. I'm really, really upset with her, and I really want to bring everyone to the table so we can try to remedy this situation (which I'll get to in a second). But in that moment, when I was sick with her and she had just said something really mean about my business right before making it about her again, I was happy that I said what I meant: she should be scared. Maybe that'll straighten her out. And I felt like I didn't let her put any of her guilt or fear onto me. I didn't get mad, I don't think, but I wasn't a pushover. I didn't share her burden just because she wanted me to. I didn't tell her it will be ok. I don't know if it will, no matter how hard I pray that it does. I didn't let her put any of her own sh*t onto me, and I felt that that was a product of my positively concentrating more on the things I can control. I can control what I let people drag me into. I think Nicki's taken advantage of the old me, that way. Until I had done some real thought, I didn't realize I have control what people can do to me. That's a "can control¹" and I feel good for recognizing it. Now that I do, even though I'm sick to death the first test is something this big, I'm happy with myself for changing the way I handle times like this. (Unfortunately, there haven't really been times "like this"...this big?but still...you get what I'm saying.)

My final thing before I have to lay The Stinker down for the night: I can control my anger at Nicki, as long as I give it its due...and maybe I can be the one to actually get the conversation going because I can be the one NOT to let their anger be the driving force behind all communication. I want Nicki back here tomorrow (I want her here tonight!), not because I'm not still upset and disappointed in her. But because what good is it to have her separated from the rest of us when nothing's gonna be solved until she's right in front of us? I don't have any delusions about how mad everyone is. I know the chips are stacked against one big group-hug ten seconds after she walks back in the house (she decided to stay at the compound, but only after she tried to make her doing that Bill's decision). But, I feel like, at this point in time, I'm able to be mad and be constructive at the same time. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It's just the way it is now. Maybe I can bring something to the table because of this. I'd like to. I really want to. I hope I can. Whether I do and people listen, though...is out of my control. That's sad, but I can wrap my mind around it all the same.

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¹Trademark on that phrase pending, Internet. You can't have that one.