Something's gotta give, Internet. I gotta get back in control of my situation¹. I'm tired. I'm tired of being...I don't know. I'm tired. Fed up, a little. A lot. It doesn't matter. You're either fed up or your not. And I am. I be! I gotta start looking inward. The waters of the world - of this world - are too choppy to just float along without being in charge of where your boat's going. I'm taking the helm.

I feel like a piece of dirt for even thinking about myself now because I do and should feel so badly for Joey. I wish we were closer and I could do more. He's a good man. I know that. I wish I knew Kathy better, too. She was a sweet woman who was way too young. Obviously. And when it happened. Geez. He's gonna need a lot of help from Bill. Barb, too. I think she could really help Bill help Joey through this.

I really do wish I could do more on that front. I'll help when I can, but I gotta take command of...me. I AM mad, damn it, on top of whatever else. But the anger, on its own, does no good. I gotta get through that, then I'm gonna never let this...manipulation happen ever again. I'm in control of me. I'm in control of me. I'm in control of me. I'm in control of me...

Nicki's really pulled some wool over some eyes around here lately. Tons of wool. Tons of eyes. And it's really come at a bad time for me, personally. Usually stuff rolls off my back a little easier than it does, say, Barb's - I'm just saying - but the one-two punch of Nicki deliberately not getting pregnant (not to mention her totally avoiding our trying to help her through that issue) AND her, totally insanely, using my name to help her do whatever it is she thinks she's doing for her dad...ALL that on top of my mom and all THAT...I just feel like I've been kicked in the gut and I can't catch my breath anymore. Most of the time, I'm a big believer in, "just give it some time and things will work themselves out." But, I feel like I need to get cracking on me now and I'm the only one that's gonna do the heavy lifting. It seems like it's bootstrap time for me. (How many more phrases like that can I use? you ask. I got millions.) It's gotta be all me, right? I mean, I'm not trying to sound all dramatic or anything, but this is a venting blog entry, though, OK? Lay off. There are certain times when you gotta be in control of you (see: rant at end of previous paragraph). I need to do what I can to make ME happy. My feelings are hurt by Nicki and I really do wonder what's going on in her head right now, but she's gonna have to figure her own crap out. I can't take myself out of the family, and don't want to, of course, but other people, at least for a little while, have to take a backseat to what I need to do to get right again. You've been saying that all along, Internet. It just took some time for it to soak in.

So, I'm off. Challenged by my goal to take more of an investment in me. Putting the ME back in Margene.

Sincerely,
MargE...ne²

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¹This brings me to my one bit of funny for this post. "Situation." Does anyone else love it in those acne commercials when Puff Daddy says the cream or mask or scrub or whatever helps "moisturize his situation?" That might be the best phrasing I've ever heard.
²I thought long and hard about what to do with that second E. I decided to leave it. Don't hate.