It's early. Like, really early, actually. Why am I always deciding to write at such weird times? I'm sleeping like poop lately. More than anything, I can't go back to sleep once one eye opens for one second. It's 5:15. Nope. 5:05. Even worse. Can't blame the wind this time. It's as still as it can be out there right now. Nell's been great at nights pretty much from the beginning. Totally unlike the boys. But now I'm up all the time. She'll be up in about forty-five minutes, so that'll be good. This free time's made me better at online poker, though. That's been my go-to when I feel bad about turning on the TV really late (or really early) and just watching infomercial after infomercial, just for the heck of it, until something worth a darn comes on. (Sidebar: my new favorite infomercial product is the Snuggie¹. It's a blanket with sleeves!!!! Anyone else seen this thing? I want one just for the fun of it. OR I want to give Nicki and Barb one for Christmas as a joke gift. In the infomercial, they make wearing a blanket look as cumbersome as wearing a minivan while you're doing your knitting. The woman trying to read under "a conventional blanket" looks like a frustrated bear trapped in a net in some old timey western flick. I want one so bad. I can't believe I've lived as long as I have with only blankets with no sleeves. It's a miracle I'm even here to see the error of my ways.) And NO, I'm not playing poker for money, so please don't worry about me or question my moral whatever. You can play with fake dollars and that's what I do. I play with fake dollars and I win me some more fake dollars. I do that over and over again...I'm good. I'm real good. It started as just a little research-slash-homework I could do to get to know a little bit more about the kinds of games Weber does, but now I kinda love it outright. There are always people playing and you can send little messages back and forth if you want to. It's fun.



What I've spent the most time doing, though, is tweaking my character's physical what-have-you's so she looks as much like me as possible. They have some stock characters you can use if you don't want to take the time to "make yourself," but I'm all about making myself so trust me, I take the time. "Margenesteem" (my online handle) is a little taller than the real life version and, yes, her boobs are a bit more...perfect - mine used to be perfect, I promise! I loved my boobs! - but I think what's most me about Margenesteen is the eyes. I think I nailed my eyes in her. She's got a sassier hair cut, too. But, hey, she's a high-stakes gambler in the man's world of Texas Hold 'Em poker. She needs to be sassy. Little does "Boots_Malone," "chesneyfan69," "alabamahighTEST"² or "wormar_permar" know that I'm just little old Utah housewife Margene - lying in bed, under a blanket with no sleeves(!), waiting for my baby to wake up so I have someone to talk to. They think I'm hardcore, I bet...I hope. Hardcore, great at poker (OK, good at poker) and quite the looker. (Come on, I know I'm cuter than the old lady from Florida that wears the green, plastic visor and the sweatshirt with Pandas on it...right?)



My mom has spent more time in Nevada than she should and she uses gambling metaphors more than she should, too. She used to always talk about playing the hand you're dealt...when she was kinda tipsy and in the mood to talk about life but not so drunk that she was doing nothing but complaining about how everyone else is counting cards and cheating. I've been thinking about that a little lately. It's one of those sayings that's good to remember when things get kinda tough, but...it's not really true. I mean, I know I'm taking the metaphor a little too far here but the hand you're dealt only means something compared to the hand everyone has been dealt at any given point in time. I mean...what am I talking about...I mean, two two's wins sometimes. It loses a lot of others, but sometimes it wins. You play it differently and different stuff happens, depending on what's going on around you. I'm having kinda a hard time playing the hand I've been dealt in the family because I feel like I keep getting the same hand again and again and it never wins, no matter what everyone else has. And their cards stink a lot of the time! I tried to put on the "play the hand you're dealt" attitude when I was talking with Barb yesterday about focusing on being a mother for now, but it's not sitting right. I meant it...I mean, I mean it. Of course I want to be a mother...and I will be, forever. I love that. That's my hand, and I'm happy to play that hand. But everyone else's hand changes and my hand should win sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. I'm good at selling things. We need to sell these video machines and I know I can do that. I wish my hand wasn't always, "you stay here, Margene. We need you at home." That's not the only thing my hand has to offer. In playing my hand, I can be the mom I know I can be AND the Sales Associate (love that title!) I know I can be. It's frustrating. The hand I'm dealt would be fine if everyone else didn't get to use wild cards...



What am I talking about? Geez. Sorry. I'm just a little bummed. I'm on board and everything, but I'm bummed. Plus, it's early. I'm sleepy. I guess I'm cranky too. Apologies, Internet...for my whining and my rambling. Hope you have a great day. Come play cards with me!



Talk Soon. Love me!

Margie.


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¹https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next?tag=ED|SM|GO|GN|



²This guy, "alabamahighTEST," has the craziest little motto in his profile page. It says: "huff paint, cocaine, playin' chicken with a train. Smack dab, meth lab, mellow out, REHAB! Percocet, cigarette, I don't need no more of that! Just give me some down-home Dixie-fried homegrown ALABAMA HIGH TEST!!" I don't understand what it means at all, but I kinda like it...the little saying, not the paint huffing or the meth labs...those are scary.