Imus In The Mourning
After his "nappy-headed 'hos" remark, Don Imus went on an apology tour but it wasn't enough. He pointed out that he liked black music, hosted black guests, and wore that hat because he was a cattle pimp.... On Wednesday, MSNBC cancelled his TV show. And the real loser there was the American people, because there's nothing more exciting than watching radio on TV. Then, on Thursday, CBS axed his radio show. One would have assumed that the firings would have left Imus both angry and depressed. But, frankly, who could tell with that face? ...Later, he met with the Rutgers girls and they accepted his apology. In fairness, most of the students said they would have accepted anything just to get away from that creepy old white man. ...Personally, I just wish we could put race aside and admit that before Imus and Sharpton talk about anybody else's, they both need to fix their own hair. ...And my second wish is that the white man and the black man could find common ground and agree to make fun of that Indian kid on American Idol....On the upside for CBS, they did some market research and found they could retain Imus' core audience by just playing tapes of an old, growling bear.

You've Lost Mail
The White House can't find a few of Karl Rove's emails... about four years' worth. No wonder they can't find Bin Laden in a cave in Pakistan. They can't find the fat guy down the hall.... And it's such an insulting lie. Remember the good old days, when Pat Leahy would ask for something and the White House would have the respect to just tell him to f**k himself?

Bank Error And You're Out Of Favor
Our old friend Paul Wolfowitz is in trouble at the World Bank for getting his girlfriend a promotion and a $75,000 raise. I know that's hard to believe. But Paul Wolfowitz really does have a girlfriend.

Establishing A Birkhead
A DNA test revealed that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. He's now entitled to some of her child support money. Or as he put it, "My sperm works so I don’t have to."