GOP Game?
There are now 18 Republicans in the House and Senate who are retiring. Pretty soon the Democrats are going to have no one left to lose to... Sam Brownback dropped out of the race. Meanwhile Ron Paul is still running for President. I don't have any jokes about him, it's just if I say his name the Internet goes crazy... Rudy Giuliani told a crowd in Iowa that, "if we are not careful and you don't elect me, this country will be to the left of France." Giuliani's campaign's a little different. He doesn't send out mailers. He just leaves a bullet in your mailbox... Giuliani is doing a real service. If you ever wondered how stupid Bush's speeches would sound if you could only understand them, well, now you know... I don't know if you saw this, but Rudy Giuliani's got a terrifying Halloween costume picked out. He's going as Rudy Giuliani.

Nobel Prize ? For What?
Nobel Laureate James Watson was suspended from his job after an interview in which he said that black people were less intelligent than whites. Because nothing says "superior intellect" like killing your career with a socially unacceptable racist remarks.

Turn And Cough
The FDA declared that there is no evidence that children's cough and cold medicines have any effect whatsoever. I was a kid once, and I agree - that stuff barely gets you high at all... And President Bush said, "See? Health care doesn't even work on them!"

Stockhold Syndrome
The Army officer who was Saddam's jailer was sentenced to two years in prison for having secret documents and disobeying orders. He was reportedly very friendly with Saddam, but then evil people can often be charming on a personal level. At least that's how I explain my friendship with Ann Coulter.

This May Sting A Bit
The Pentagon said that after a thorough investigation they still didn't know who smuggled a pair of Speedos into Guantanamo prison. Senator Larry Craig said he's very disturbed by this Speedo smuggling; in fact he won't rest until he gets to the bottom of it.

Talking Turkey
The Turkish parliament approved the idea of invading Iraq? President Bush was enraged. He said: "If any Turkey attacks Iraq, it'll be me."

Another Fine Messiah
Condi Rice visited the Church of the Nativity. Working for Bush gives her a unique insight into the Baby Jesus and the wise men, and dealing with an infant who thinks he's God's gift to the world.

Search For IUD's
A middle school in Portland Maine is going to offer birth control for sixth-through-eighth graders. These kids are so jaded. One boy got an eighth-grader pregnant, then a month after she gave birth he dumped her for a sixth grader.

"Let He Who Is Without Sin..."
Ann Coulter went on Michael Medved's radio show and said that Jews "think Jesus was a raving lunatic." A spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League said they absolutely don't think Jesus was a lunatic, just a little meshugganah.