LarryCraigslist
The whole Larry Craig scandal showed how bad gay people in Idaho have it: they have to fly to Minnesota to have anonymous gay sex... Craig told reporters: "I'm not gay. I never have been gay. Now my boyfriend – he's gay." ...Craig's excuses were not very believable. He said he wasn't trying to touch feet with the guy, but that when he goes to the bathroom he has "a wide stance." Eew. Maybe it's me, but I would have preferred he told us about the gay sex... I can't figure out how a 62-year-old white Republican from Boise even knew these secret gay signals. Is there a book called, "Toilet Sex for Dummies?" Then Craig tried to lawyer himself out of it. He said, "It depends on what the meaning of the word "jizz" is. Ironically, Larry Craig had voted to impeach Bill Clinton. If you think there's no room for adultery in the Oval Office, try doing it in a bathroom stall. ... Fun Fact: The St. Paul airport is a hub for Northwestern. And it's also attracting a start-up airline, Ass Virgin.

Comings And Goings
Fred Thompson said that next week he'll officially announce he's running for president. A Republican hasn't done this much teasing since Larry Craig got arrested... Thompson just wanted to cash one more residual check before they take the "Law and Order" reruns off the air... And Republicans are excited about Thompson. They know if he's in the men's room it's due to an enlarged prostate and not for gay toilet sex. Republican Senator John Warner of Virginia announced his retirement. He said he wanted to spend more time with heterosexuals.

Alberto Gonzales resigned from the Justice Department. Which was historic, because it was the first time he admitted he worked there. Actually he fired himself, and then couldn't recall if he'd done it....

New Orleans marked the 2nd anniversary of Hurricane Katrina on Wednesday. Did you see Bush? He hugged so many black women Condi got jealous.

As it must to all exonerated fatsos, death has come to Richard Jewell. If you don't recognize the name, here's what happened. There was a terrorist bombing, and we got the completely wrong guy, framed him, and destroyed his life. It made journalists look bad, and gave Bush the idea for Iraq.

There is some good news for Larry Craig: gay couples can get married in Iowa. A judge in Iowa ruled that the state's ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. Conservatives in Iowa are furious. Forget same-sex marriages, they don't even believe in hybrid corn. This is surprising because Iowa doesn't have a huge gay population. Their gay pride parade is one guy on a tractor waving an ear of rainbow corn. A minister in Des Moines has already married one gay couple. And in that one, simple gesture, he made Iowa 400 percent more interesting than it's ever been.