We Support The Profiteers
The Senate voted to put a deadline on the Iraq fiasco. The President also said he would fight any attempt by the Democratic-controlled Congress to cut off money for the war. He vowed that he would not let that happen to brave men and women of Halliburton.

Photo Op Accomplished
President George "Reaction Time" Bush visited Walter Reed Hospital, only six weeks after the scandal broke. I know there are always security plans to make before the president leaves the White House, but this is just up the street. In five weeks he could have tunneled. At Walter Reed, he helped one soldier with his physical therapy. And in return the soldier pulled Bush's head out of his ass.... In related news: the Army said a third of the 18-year-olds who want to join up are overweight. You know you're a fat soldier when the pattern on your camouflage is a brick wall.

Treading Territorial Waters
Iran television broadcast a video of three of the captured British sailors: The sailors said they were confined to tiny rooms with no heat and horrible food -- why it was almost like being back home.... They were seen in a room with pink floral drapes and a bowl of fruit on the table. How come every place in Iran looks like my Grandma's house in Hackensack? ...An Iranian official said, "Don't think of this as a hostage crisis, think of it as 'Big Brother: Tehran.'" ...Iran said in order to resolve the hostage stand-off, Britain had to admit that its 15 sailors and marines entered Iranian waters. And Tony Blair was not messing around: he jumped right off of President Bush's lap and started barking at the door.

Holy Confection Booth
An art exhibit that featured a milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus called "My Sweet Lord" was cancelled because of complaints from the Catholic Churches. A Church spokesman said it's not only blasphemy; it's a huge waste of candy that could be used to seduce altar boys…. And the Irish Catholics weren't upset because Jesus was chocolate. They were upset because he was black.

Hail To The Self-Deprecator-In-Chief
At the Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner, Bush gave a self-deprecating speech poking fun at himself. Here's a tip from a professional, Mr. President: self-deprecation only works when people like you. ...Karl Rove appeared onstage as "MC Rove" dancing awkwardly to rap music. Forget the Iraq, health care and global warming: this is reason enough to elect Barack Obama.... And Karl knows he's gangsta. Karl said, "Sure I've never robbed a liquor store but I've stolen two presidential elections."

Going, Going Gonzo
Later Alberto Gonzales said he was not twisting in the wind - he was break dancing.... Gonzales said that he didn't lie about being involved in the firing of those prosecutors; he just didn't "recall being involved." You knew that Gonzales was really losing Republican support when Ann Coulter called him "El Faggo." ...Gonzales' former chief of staff Kyle Sampson testified that Gonzalez was involved in the firings those federal prosecutors even though he said he wasn't. But he is wily, that Alberto Gonzalez. He then came out with his new cover story, "No hablo Ingles."

Rudy But True
In an interview with Barbara Walters, former New York City Mayor and presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said that if elected president, he would have no problem allowing his wife Judith Giuliani to sit in on cabinet meetings. But Rudy added, "Just as long as she doesn't show up wearing the same dress as me." ...Polls showed Rudy Giuliani leading the Republican candidates for president, and Hillary Clinton leading the Democrats. It could be not only an all-New York election, but the all time worst "Dancing With The Stars."

Chewing The Qud
Bush says Iran's Revolutionary Guards elite Quds Force has been supplying Shiites in Iraq with a particularly lethal type of roadside bombs known as EFP's, or "Explosively Formed Penetrators." ...Bush said he can't prove that the supplying of arms had been ordered by top Iranian officials. But that's never stopped him before.... Bush accused the Iranians of "meddling." Yeah, and everything was going so perfectly until they stuck their noses in.