So this week, Lois is planning to divorce Frank. He cleaned out her house, furniture, canned goods, and all, and took all her money, forcing her to shut down her little laundromat.
Turns out old Frank owned a KFC, a real estate company, and some other business, and was rolling in dough, while he peed in the sink and let his wives & kids live on Food Stamps.
According to FLDS, and LDS, too, there are 3 heavens. One's a place where people don't have kids, but they live forever, and kinda wander around "serving" people in the next heaven up. I'm not sure what they serve them. Everybody is allowed to go there--single women, heathens, etc...There are no other details on this steerage class heaven. I'm thinking there might be some great parties after hours, though.
The next level is for virtuous unbelievers, nice Mormons who didn't marry 3 spouses or have 12 kids, etc... These folks also have to wait tables, apparently. Some heaven.
Finally, there's the highest level of heaven, for the Mormons who were virtuous, wore their underwear and married at least 3 wives. The wives can only get in if the husband calls their "secret names." Yeah, sure. A guy with 25 wives probably doesn't even know all their regular names! But he's supposed to call them through the "veil" between the first class heaven, and coach class.
But wait--there's more! In addition to being with their families forever, in first class you keep having kids, forever! All women are always pregnant! Not only that, but their greatest reward is to be able to keep serving their husbands for all eternity. In other words, First Class heaven, isn't any different for women, than Coach or Steerage, except you're waiting on your family instead of strangers, and you're perpetually pregnant. Wooohoo!
If I were Lois, I would not be too terribly torn up about the fact that Frank is never gonna call my name. Why would you want to be with Frank, scrubbing his pee out of the sink for all eternity, listening to his abuse, and living with the sister-wives who always hated you, and your ungrateful children?
Besides, Frank's not going to heaven. He's not virtuous. Which brings me to the biggest flaw in the religion. How are his wives gonna get through the veil, when their husband is the biggest jerk on the planet? They're not.
But you know, I think Lois won't mind. Even the steerage heaven would be better than hanging with her family for all eternity anyway. As a heathen who has no kids, I'm supposedly gonna be stuck in steerage class. Maybe Lois and I can meet up there, and drink a couple of Stolis.
