Even if you're not Canadian, I still want to send out a Happy Canada Day to you! It's a great day to kick back, relax, and have a nice cold Canadian beer.

I got two job offers today, which I'm absolutely ecstatic about. I desperately need a job. I can only rely on student loans for so much, and they only give you so much. So this is a much needed de-stresser, and hopefully I won't need to work as much during the school year.

But (isn't there always a but?) I feel so torn about this. Both jobs sound great. Both of the people who interviewed me were incredibly nice and friendly. One of the jobs is in my comfort zone (soccer instructor), and the other isn't (camp counselor for kids aged 11-12). Of course, the one in my comfort zone pays less than half of the other, which makes this decision a real no-brainer.

Which brings me to my problem: how did I get here?

I've never cared about money before. I'm not materialistic and rarely spend the little that I do have, and always figured that money would just never be a real issue for me. I don't require a three bedroom home with a picket fence with two cars in the driveway when I'm done school. I don't even carry a purse, let alone a designer one. I wear the same pair of jeans for a week, have the same shoes since I was 16, and tshirts that are older than I am. Yet, I'm picking a job because it pays me far more than the other.

I know the reason why I have to pick this job (or work at all, since I'd much rather spend my break at home reading with my cats), and that reason is school. I know I have the option of dropping out and working where ever they'll hire me. But I want to be in school, and unfortunately working is a necessary evil. But this still makes me so frustrated, and on some totally illogical level I feel like I'm letting myself down for caring about how much money I have in my bank account. And then, what really frustrates me more, is knowing that this money isn't really even going to me. As I pointed out to my mom, I'll be making enough money to almost cover the cost of tuition. All of it, plus what I still have in my bank account, will pay for my schooling. Whatever I get from my student loan and job during the school year, will be going towards rent, utilities, books, transportation, and the few nights I get to go out with friends.

Life just seems so expensive and I know it'll only get worse!

I don't tell too many people about my dad, and it's not because I'm ashamed but just because not too many people understand what it's like to lose a parent when they're my age.

I was sitting in the back of the store during a break at work a couple of years ago with some of my coworkers. Some knew about my dad, others didn't. I was close with one of the girls (still am), but what happened to my dad had never come up. So while we were sitting there, she asked, "So, what's the deal with your dad? Is he just one of those dead beats that have left the picture?"

Tacky? Yes. But it was totally in her style.

Another time I was closing with two black coworkers (I HATE pointing out people's skin colours because I think it's tacky, but it's significant to the story) who were joking around about how my mom always shows up early to pick me up when we're closing, and will sit in the car for half an hour reading her book until it's time for us to actually leave. Knowing that I'm mixed, and that my dad was black, the supervisor (remember, she's black!) said, "You know, I find it so funny I've never seen your dad around, but your mom's always early to pick you up! White parents are so prompt, but black parents are just so laid back. My parents don't even know where I work! Your dad's probably the same way, right?"

And then there's always the common, "Why'd you refer to your mom in the present tense and dad in the past?"

It's not that I intentionally leave out the fact that my dad is dead so that I could force awkward situations like the above on people. It's just that I can't imagine a better way of telling people.

At a family reunion for my dad's side of the family I was introduced over and over again as, "Basil's oldest daughter, you know, the one that died." And I'm sorry, but I don't want to be known as "that girl, y'know, the one who's father died."

I switched schools in grade six, three years after his death, and never brought up my mom or dad to anyone. In fact, no one found out about my dad until we had to do an autobiography, including a presentation for the class. People were surprised about two things; 1) My dad was black, and 2) He's dead. Afterwards, the teacher pulled me aside and asked why I would be so ashamed about his death and told me that if I ever needed to talk to someone, she was there for me.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my dad a lot and think about him every single day. I'm just also under the impression that I shouldn't harp on it all the time. People don't like talking to young people about their dead parents. It's still something we don't really talk about on my mom's side of the family, and it was only until last year that it was brought up outside of Christmas grace on my dad's side.

We acknowledge that he's dead, but in a far more subtle way. We remember him during the annual shot of Jack Daniel's on the day he died, our can of New Castle beer on Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and New Years Eve, and the birthday cake I insist on making and decorating every year on his birthday, regardless of whether it really makes sense to do it (one year I had JUST had my wisdom teeth removed, and wasn't even able to eat it, but I still did it!). We have blue jay pictures all over our living room, and not because my mom, my sister or I are particular fans of the birds, but because he loved them. His old souvenir beer bottles and cans are still on our wall unit, and we have all of his CDs sitting out, even the ones we don't like. I've even decided that my first born son will have my father's first name as his second (I can't imagine calling a baby Basil) even though my mother strongly objects (she hates the name).

There's one thing I've always been afraid of, and that's the end of the world. I don't care how it comes about, or who is behind it, I just want to already be dead when it happens.

I'm not afraid of dying, just the sun exploding, the four horsemen galloping into my backyard, a nuclear last that will burn me alive before I even know what happened, or any of the amazingly scary stuff that's written in the Book of Revelations. I can do without it all, thankyouverymuch.

One thing I don't really understand is why some people want to bring about the end of world. There are people who are actively working towards this goal, and it blows my mind. I understand that if you have a strong faith in your religion, the end of the world doesn't really mean too much to you, but I would still miss what I have now. I would still miss life and the world and all the silly drama that comes along with it. It just seems like you'd be wasting life if all you were concerned about was ending all life.

I'll admit, I don't have a very strong faith base. I pray at night to a God, but who this God is, I really don't know. I have notions of what I believe in and why I believe it, but I've never found a place of worship that seemed right to me. I've never been taught a religion that seemed like The One to me. My mom tried, and the Catholic school I attended tried, and I even tried to force myself to believe in something, but nothing has ever really stuck. So I wish I had the conviction of some of these people who are so willing to end the world that I happen to inhabit and enjoy, but I still don't think I'd be able to justify all of the waste.

Plus, becoming so obsessed and focused on the rapture must be incredibly depressing. I don't see how someone could really enjoy themselves while intentionally looking for any sign of the imminent death of the world.

But, I've got to give these people props for their dedication. Now if only they were willing to dedicate their time to helping and fixing the world than trying to make some of the prophecies come true.

If anyone is interested in how close we are to the rapture, here's the Rapture Index.

I went out with my uncle yesterday, which was a lot of fun. I've been staying at my mom's home since Friday, but had to head back to school on Tuesday to hand in that exam. I got it done! So while I was out there, my uncle stopped by and took me out to dinner.

I love bonding with my family. I like that feeling that I'm not alone in this world and if I had to call someone because I was in a bind, I can. It's just nice. It gives me that warm fuzzy feeling that regardless of how bad this world may look and feel, there is something nice for me to fall back on.

My grandpa visited on Sunday, which NEVER happens. The last time I saw him was Christmas of 2006. We were pretty shocked when we called him for last Christmas, got his answering machine, and he called back. He mentioned then that he wanted to get together with us, and I guess he finally decided that now was the time.

My grandfather is like a teddy bear, but he scares me so much. He has this hard exterior, but I know that on the inside he really is this lonely old man who won't admit how isolated he's made himself from the family. And I feel sorry for him! But he still scares the crap out of me. He has these huge expectations for me, and for me alone, and while I think they're achievable, I'm so scared that something will happen and I'll fall short. I'm sure he'll still love me and all that good stuff, but I don't want him to think about what I could've become every time he sees me.

Well, I'm out of her for now!

So I'm new here and found this site while putting off writing three essays. Those essays are now done and exam period has started. Right now I'm supposed to be writing a take home exam... but I'm not!

I kind of screwed myself over on this one. We had to read People of the Deer, and I read it. We had to read The Diviners, and I still have 154 pages left, and the exam is due on Tuesday. Apparently I'm not reading it right now. I could skip the question on the Diviners and answer the one on alienation, agency, individuation and deindividuation, but I HATE explaining those and the readings that apply to them are far more boring than The Diviners. But I will actually start answering the question for The Diviners soon and just not worry about the stuff in the last 154 pages.

I'm excited that school's almost over for the year, but at the same time, my stomach is HATING it. It's always the first thing to go whenever life isn't as smooth sailing as I would like it to be, which just adds to the stress of everything else. I'm not too worried about the other exams, I'll obviously have to do some studying, but I'm not freaked out about them. I think it helped that I actually liked the courses. Well, except for anthropology, but that was more the professor than the actual course material.

I've taken two anthropology courses and haven't liked either of the professors. I understand that anthropology doesn't get too many students, but they're we're-the-most-important-field-nothing-else-is-as-important attitude really ticks me off. And I just felt that a lot of the professors "evidence" was extremely weak and fluffy. I know statistics aren't really reliable, but talking about what three anthropologists found regarding women's attitudes towards sex in Western Africa isn't really all that reliable either and shouldn't be used to explain women in Nova Scotia's behaviour. They're very different cultures, and an anthropologist should be very aware of this!

I also hate how he always starts his lecture with, "I plan to discuss which I found to be very interesting and think will shock your world. After all, I love teaching this course because I think it shakes your perception of the world around you."

NOTHING HE SAID AMAZED ME! Everything he said I either knew before even starting university or in my other courses before his (and those were non-anthropology courses). So clearly, what he had to say really wasn't enough to "shake my perception of the world."

And knocking sociology students to make anthropology look cool isn't cool. None of my sociology professors have said anything negative about anthropology, so why the hostility from the anthropologists? And why should I be paying to hear him talk smack about my major?

But whatever, I'm not taking an anthropology course next year.