I first broke a preliminary version of this story on Maher's 'What's New in the News' thread. This was quite a story that virtually ALL of the major hack news organizations missed. Fortunately for you, you're now in the know. I've also included the ?story behind the story,' my background notes on the characters and the crazy goings-on that led up to this nearly historic event. Cheers!

U.S.-Saudi Diplomatic Crisis Narrowly Avoided

April 8, 2009. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (AP). White House and State Department sources revealed today that a major diplomatic incident was narrowly avoided Tuesday during Saudi Royal King Abdullah?s reception for U.S. President Barack Obama. Sources revealed that only quick thinking and masterful improvisational skills on the part of the newly elected U.S. president prevented what would have surely been the first major diplomatic setback for the fledgling administration.

A highly controversial diplomatic protocol developed under the Bush administration, but never implemented during his tenure, called for the president to undo his fly and loudly command the Saudi head of state to, ?Get on your knees and pledge allegiance to THIS royal majesty you fucking sand monkey!? Obama avoided a certain diplomatic crisis and possible beheading by improvising on the spot, and the Saudi king by all accounts remained unaware of the narrowly averted diplomatic fiasco.

Former U.S. president George W. Bush administration officials remained unavailable for official comment, but an unofficial source revealed that the plan, developed at the behest of former vice president Dick Cheney, remained on the shelf throughout the Bush administration due to the former president?s reported ?lack of majestic endowment.? It was hoped that Obama, the nation?s first African-American president, would be the first to ?unveil? the new diplomatic ?tool.?

First Lady Michelle Obama refused comment as well, but an inside source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed that the first lady expressed disappointment that her husband missed a golden opportunity to reveal to the world what she has glowingly described as ?a substantial, a VERY substantial INDEED, amount of American presidential pride.?


Background Notes:

Cheney, who apparently was quite the little merry prankster when out of the public eye, somewhat mischievously dubbed the new protocol ?Cock, Shock, and Awe.? This quite understandably rankled ?W?, as he felt Cheney - apparently correctly so - used the term derisively with respect to W?s apparent ?shortcoming.? Meanwhile Condi, who is reported to actually have been attracted to W because of his diminished stature, would just break down and giggle hysterically in spite of herself whenever Cheney would start in on poor ol? W, to the point where she would actually pee herself. Needless to say, it led to a lot of awkward impromptu bathroom breaks in the Situation Room, which fortunately for Condi, she was able to use to at least partially conceal her mirth from her beloved W.

Poor ol? W, never the sharpest knife in the drawer anyway, remained oblivious to the cause of her frequent bathroom breaks to the end, even recommending a urologist at one point. Cheney, who happened to be within earshot at the time, reportedly laughed so hard he was prompted to take an impromptu bathroom break of his own, albeit of a rather more serious nature. Unfortunately for Dick, Don Rumsfeld, who was still in charge over at DoD at the time, happened to walk in to the same stall immediately afterward, only to find the Vice?s soiled shorts in the bowl, replete with the still steaming pile of Cheney?s finest. To make matters worse, in his revulsion he reflexively tried to flush, which was of course a complete non-starter, spilling the whole disgusting mess out on the floor and into the hallway. When the White House janitorial staff refused the order to clean it up, actually threatening to quit at one point, Scooter Libby (who earned the honorary title ?Whitehouse Plumber? for his work, in a nod to former president Nixon?s infamous Watergate crew) finally came to the rescue and called in an Army HazMat team. They had the whole wing cordoned off for a week, with guys in respirators and full body suits swarming the area. Luckily they were able to keep the whole thing out of the press, until now at least, especially since the final bill topped six figures.

Of course Rummy, no slouch as a prankster himself, refused to let the matter die, and took to placing three-packs of boxer shorts on Cheney?s chair before meetings, even going so far as to have an unwitting Doug Feith (one of Rummy?s and Wolfowitz?s think tank boys who helped hatch the Iraq caper, and who General Tommy Franks famously called ?the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth?) send a case of Depend adult undergarments over to Cheney for his birthday. Fortunately for Feith, Rummy had him on the first flight out to Baghdad the next morning, knowing full well that Cheney would have the egg-headed academic?s balls in a vise when he got a hold of him. Rumor has it that Cheney was behind Rumsfeld?s eventual firing because of his antics, a fact which Cheney of course vehemently denies to this day.

Rove on the other hand, never exactly the ?cock of the walk? himself, urged W to go forward with the new protocol anyway, asserting that successive Republican administrations since Reagan had already proven that ?deficits don?t matter? anyway. Rove remained confident to the end that W could actually pull it off (or in this case, out), regardless of any perceived shortcomings. Thankfully, Laura laid down the law, and W never breathed another word about the subject again.

Laura, who retains her librarian?s dry sense of humor to this day, was by all accounts furious with Cheney for the whole affair, although she was always careful not to let it show in public. White House staffers reportedly started an office pool, wagering on when the first lady would play the ?lesbian card? to get back at Cheney, in reference to his openly gay daughter.

Laura remained above the fray to the end, but the wily W, tired of being Cheney?s fool for eight long years, and reportedly with some new found resolve due to more than few cups of fortified eggnog, finally dropped the ?L Bomb? on ?Tricky Dick? at the White House Christmas party. Cheney supposedly turned redder than the Christmas tree ornaments, but Bushy was on a roll now and wasn?t done with him yet. When W broke the paddles out of the defib kit the White House staff kept on hand for Cheney and asked, ?What?s the matter Dick? Need a jump start?? the old bird finally snapped. Fortunately for everyone, the Secret Service was on hand and hauled Cheney outside for a quick hose down, after which poor Condi - you guessed it - had to beat yet another hasty retreat to the little girls? room. Even Lynn Chaney, normally the model of decorum, was seen doing chest bumps with W after they hauled her livid husband outside to cool him off. Laura remained stone-faced throughout, but White House staff reported an unprecedented amount of loud and raucous behavior - shouts reminiscent of a strange and perverted religious call and respond: ?Who?s your cowboy? - YOU are W! Who?s your Texas Ranger? - George Walker Bush, THAT?S WHO!? and the like - within the Presidential suite that night lasting all the way to dawn.

Fortunately for Bushy, he and Laura were off to Camp David the next morning for a much deserved recovery, but he hadn?t fully accounted for the persistent wrath of ?Darth? Cheney. Ol? Tricky arranged for the pilot to fly some high ?G? combat maneuvers on the way down under the guise of security training or some such nonsense. As Marine One departed, poor ol? W was last seen chucking breakfast out the side door over the Washington Monument, giving the scheming curmudgeon Cheney, never one to be trifled with, the last laugh yet once again.

I posted this little ditty, which I found to be at least mildly amusing, over on 'The Wire' boards in March 2008, right after the series finale. The thrust of this tongue-in-cheek exercise was to provide enough extra material for season five, which as any 'Wirehead knows ran an abbreviated 10 episodes in its final season (Good thing too, from the reviews it recieved. The whole newsroom bit did not go over well at all.).

Evidently management and/or readership didn't take kindly to their favorite series being made fun of, as this post disappeared shortly thereafter. Hey I loved that series as much as anyone, but I think a whole lot of gansta' wanna be's took the whole thing just a LITTLE TOO seriously. Oh well, fuck 'em anyway if they can't take a joke. Here it is again, and yes HBO, I've got copies.

Early in the season, Narese Campbell, she of the smoldering hot looks, hooks up with Kima Greggs at a lesbian bar and begins a heated, explicit sexual liaison. Later, over drinks with the crew at Kavanaugh?s, Greggs hooks up with Chardene, Freamon?s sweet innocent dish (remember her from Season 1 as the bar girl who wears a wire to help take down the Barksdale crew?), and invites her into what develops into an on-going smoking-hot sexual threesome. Freamon gradually becomes suspicious of Chardene?s lack of amorous attention, and when he accidentally picks up her cell one day and answers a phone call from Narese, he sets up several surveillance cameras inside her residence. Equal parts jealous, angry, and titillated by the resulting video feed, the voyeuristic Freamon decides to keep the details to himself and enjoy the show. When Sydnor and McNulty eventually find out as well, they also agree to keep the details close to the vest, and enjoy their view of what can only be described as an exotic lesbian orgiastic love feast.

After Greggs finally uncovers McNulty?s serial killer conspiracy and both of Freamon?s illegal surveillances, she threatens to go to Daniels. When Freamon counters that the explicit sexual video he?s collected so far could be both personally embarrassing and career threatening, especially to mayoral hopeful Narese, Kima hesitates initially, but then, in a fit of conscience, reveals McNulty?s hoax to Daniels and Rawls anyway. After briefing Carcetti, his staff, and Narese of McNulty?s activities, Rawls and Daniels confront Freamon and McNulty in the interrogation room, whereupon Freamon spills the beans on Narese, Kima, and Chardene?s torrid love affair. Rawls and Daniels are both outwardly appalled at yet another brazen breach by their officers, even as they are also secretly excited by the idea of what Freamon?s videos might contain. They immediately order Freamon to surrender the evidence gained thus far, deciding to keep it to themselves for now. Freamon surrenders copies of the evidence, making sure to keep the originals for himself, just in case.

After the McNulty homeless affair has finally been resolved, both McNulty and Freamon reluctantly resign the force at the behest of Pearlman. As Daniels unpacks his stuff in his new Commissioner?s digs, he rebukes Narese?s request that he juke the stats to facilitate Carcetti?s run for Governor and her coincident run for Mayor. When she lets him know about the file they have on Daniels and his former wife, Daniels decides that turn about?s fair play and informs Narese of the incriminating sexual videos. Narese ponders the news and then relents on the stats issue, instructing Daniels to keep the stats clean, secretly authorizing more overtime in an effort to get the numbers down. In spite of her concessions to Daniels, Narese is turned on by the idea of herself being caught on tape performing lewd sexual acts for the erotic pleasures of Daniels, Freamon, McNulty, Sydnor, and god only knows who else.

After taking over as mayor, Narese invites Daniels, the now unemployed Freamon and McNulty, and Sydnor to join in the sexual festivities as well. She?s totally hot for Daniels, and figures she can use his involvement as leverage, should she need to put pressure on him in the future. The older Freamon, ever the techno-voyeur, elects to stay on the sidelines, directing and filming the action, which, with clever camera angles and costuming, barely conceals the actors? real identities. With Marlo now out of the game and in search of investment opportunities, Freamon approaches him with the idea of bankrolling their burgeoning porn production company. Marlo happily agrees in return for a cut of the proceeds and a starring roll in feature films, adopting the screen name ?Hung Low Marlo?. Jimmy, aka ?Big Jimmy McPrick,? also finds a new vocation in the enterprise, cleverly concealed as a private investigation firm for appearances, and surprisingly, settles down to matrimonial bliss with the unsuspecting Beadie, who?s exceedingly grateful to have Jimmy back to his old, non-drinking, domesticated self, although his sexual energies do seem a little depleted lately. Daniels ? aka "the Commish? ? eventually leaves Pearlman for the charms of the insatiable Narese, and together they contemplate a future island get-away in the Caribbean, where they can star in their own private productions. Kima remains on the force, working homicides around her now busy film schedule, eventually moving in with Freamon and Chardene. Lester tends to his models and film production, while Kima and Chardene tend to each other. Of course Clay Davis gets wind of the whole operation and demands a cut as well, which Freamon and Marlo agree to, figuring its better to keep Clay happy by dealing with him openly, rather than letting him maneuver behind their backs. In time, they even invite him to appear on screen, after discovering that shady political maneuvering isn?t his only outstanding attribute. Even the disagreeable and repugnant Rawls gets a complimentary hand job and DVDs, prior to shuffling off to Annapolis to be Carcetti?s bitch.

As the theme from season one plays over the closing montage, Jimmy pulls his late model convertible to the side of the freeway, and as three buxom blonde porn nymphets cavort in soft-focus behind him, ponders all of the above with a huge grin on his face and the Baltimore skyline reflecting in his mirrored sunglasses. Life in B-More is EXCEEDINGLY good these days, and who in the hell needs all of that murder PO-lice bullshit anyway?

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Edited by DaNihilist at 04/20/2009 2:26 PM PDT