GOP Game? There are now 18 Republicans in the House and Senate who are retiring. Pretty soon the Democrats are going to have no one left to lose to... Sam Brownback dropped out of the race. Meanwhile Ron Paul is still running for President. I don't have any jokes about him, it's just if I say his name the Internet goes crazy... Rudy Giuliani told a crowd in Iowa that, "if we are not careful and you don't elect me, this country will be to the left of France." Giuliani's campaign's a little different. He doesn't send out mailers. He just leaves a bullet in your mailbox... Giuliani is doing a real service. If you ever wondered how stupid Bush's speeches would sound if you could only understand them, well, now you know... I don't know if you saw this, but Rudy Giuliani's got a terrifying Halloween costume picked out. He's going as Rudy Giuliani.
Nobel Prize ? For What? Nobel Laureate James Watson was suspended from his job after an interview in which he said that black people were less intelligent than whites. Because nothing says "superior intellect" like killing your career with a socially unacceptable racist remarks. Turn And Cough The FDA declared that there is no evidence that children's cough and cold medicines have any effect whatsoever. I was a kid once, and I agree - that stuff barely gets you high at all... And President Bush said, "See? Health care doesn't even work on them!"
Stockhold Syndrome The Army officer who was Saddam's jailer was sentenced to two years in prison for having secret documents and disobeying orders. He was reportedly very friendly with Saddam, but then evil people can often be charming on a personal level. At least that's how I explain my friendship with Ann Coulter.
This May Sting A Bit The Pentagon said that after a thorough investigation they still didn't know who smuggled a pair of Speedos into Guantanamo prison. Senator Larry Craig said he's very disturbed by this Speedo smuggling; in fact he won't rest until he gets to the bottom of it.
Talking Turkey The Turkish parliament approved the idea of invading Iraq? President Bush was enraged. He said: "If any Turkey attacks Iraq, it'll be me."
Another Fine Messiah Condi Rice visited the Church of the Nativity. Working for Bush gives her a unique insight into the Baby Jesus and the wise men, and dealing with an infant who thinks he's God's gift to the world.
Search For IUD's A middle school in Portland Maine is going to offer birth control for sixth-through-eighth graders. These kids are so jaded. One boy got an eighth-grader pregnant, then a month after she gave birth he dumped her for a sixth grader.
"Let He Who Is Without Sin..." Ann Coulter went on Michael Medved's radio show and said that Jews "think Jesus was a raving lunatic." A spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League said they absolutely don't think Jesus was a lunatic, just a little meshugganah.
Black Water, White Death The Marine Corps wants to get out of Iraq. Leaving Iraq to the other three branches - the air force, the navy, and Blackwater... The Iraqi government wants Blackwater security out because they're too dangerous. Al-Maliki said suicide bombers don't feel safe walking the streets anymore... The State Department says they may cancel Blackwater's contract and award it to someone else. I don't know where else you?re going to find these types of trigger-happy gun nuts, but Phil Spector is free...
Nobel Dynamite Al Gore has won the Nobel Peace Prize. And this time Bush demanded a recount.
GOP Round-Up There was a Republican debate last week. The press said that Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney upstaged Fred Thompson. Folks, the podium upstaged Fred Thompson... Rudy was booed at a Yankees game on Monday night. You'd think New Yorkers would have the common courtesy to treat Rudy like his children do, and just not speak to him at all...I think it was the sign he was holding up that said "John: 9-11."
What Does He Really Think? Meanwhile former President Jimmy Carter denounced Vice President Dick Cheney as a "disaster" for the country. Carter went on to say that President Bush and his administration is practicing torture with a little known technique called "Thought Deprivation."
Radiohead Killed The Retail Star? The band Radiohead released its new album on the internet with a "pay what you want" pricing scheme. Because there's no more responsible consumer than a teenager with a mouse... First Radiohead, now Nine Inch Nails and Oasis are going to release their next albums directly to the public. The upside? No more record company interference. The downside? No more record company cocaine... All these veterans are trying new things. Paul McCartney is selling his new album at Starbucks... Madonna's going to sell hers at nursing homes...
Just Shoot Him There was a school shooting in Cleveland. And because it was Cleveland, the kids were all shouting, "Me next! Me next!"... The shooter was a white kid named Asa Coon who went to a predominantly black high school. Let's see... A white goth named Coon at a black high school -- what could possibly go wrong?
What's Nuclear? Ahmadinejad spoke at the UN. He said Iran only needed nuclear power for peaceful purposes, and to defend itself from Phil Spector... In other international news: According to a transcript of a 2003 meeting between President Bush and the Prime Minister of Spain, Bush knew Saddam was willing to go into exile. Which was why Bush had already asked the Pentagon for plans to invade "Exile." ? All Saddam wanted was to keep a billion dollars. Making him the only billionaire Bush never made richer.
Strange Bedfellows At the Democratic debate in New Hampshire, John Edwards, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all said they couldn't ensure that U.S. forces would be out of Iraq by the end of their term in 2013. And later the Democratic Congress voted to change the party's official mascot from a donkey to a deer frozen in the headlights... Bill Clinton said this week that although they were the same age, when he first ran for President he was a lot more experienced than Barack Obama. He also said that unlike Obama, he was "black enough." ? On the GOP side: In that Minneapolis Airport restroom made infamous by Larry Craig, they installed new stalls where the dividers go all the way to the floor to try and discourage sexual activity. But the dividers may have just made it more fun because, now, instead of foot tapping, you hear, "Bachelor number one, if I was a popsicle?"
Presidents Say The Darndest Things At a "No Child Left Behind" event with a bunch of teachers and fourth graders, President Bush, our "education president," the one who once asked, "Is our children learning?" said, and I quote, "Childrens do learn." What has to happen before we fit him for a helmet?
Crime Shame Phil Spector, OJ Simpson, and Robert Blake have been banned from Las Vegas because apparently they can't lose. ? After being released, Spector said he was looking forward to munching on a celebratory hot dog at Pink's on La Brea Avenue. Now, there's a switch: Phil Spector putting something lethal into his own mouth.... Speaking of weirdos on trial, polygamist Warren Jeffs was found guilty of pressuring a 14-year-old girl to marry her cousin?The minister said, "You may kiss the bride," and the bride said, "Yuck, cooties!"
Campaign Trail Mix
On the Democratic side, the Reverend Jesse Jackson accused Barack Obama of "acting like he's white." Obama was incensed at this and promptly had Jackson removed from the golf course. You know, there may be something to Jackson's charge, because this week Obama adopted an African baby... Candidate Hillary Clinton's husband Bill was at a fundraiser in Brentwood and the power went out. And it wasn't a robbery because, when the lights came back on, a woman who hadn't been wearing any jewelry suddenly had a pearl necklace... And, at a Q&A event by former Democratic nominee John Kerry at Florida State University, a questioner got a little nutty, so the police dragged him off and tasered him. I'm not saying John Kerry is a boring speaker but, when the audience saw that the police were administering electric shocks, a line formed...
Bush Whacked
There was a big White House news conference pushing the economy. General Petraeus said the tax cuts are working!... Pressed on whether he thought there was any risk of recession, Bush said: "You need to talk to economists. I think I got a B in Econ 101." Well, he got an F in Iraq, but that never stopped him from talking about it... President Bush was getting it from all sides: President of Mexico Vincente Fox described him in a new book as a "windshield cowboy" - a cowboy who prefers to drive. In fact, the one horse that Bush has on his ranch is named "Photo-Op."
Iraq And A Hard Place
The Senate voted to condemn the MoveOn ad. It's hard to command respect when you do stuff like that. David Vitter's hooker told him: "Spank yourself. I have a headache." ... It was an especially bad week for the Democrats. Twenty-two of them voted for that anti-MoveOn resolution. In related news, a dog bit the hand that fed it... These Democrats are so castrated they should give up making laws and take up singing opera... Republicans kept asserting that Iran is increasingly involved in Iraq.
And last week Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was denied permission to lay a wreath at Ground Zero during his visit to New York. John McCain said that Ahmadinejad should be "physically restrained if necessary." I'm not saying McCain is getting testy in his old age, but his new campaign bus is called the "What the F@#$ Are You Looking At?" Express... Also last week: Osama Bin Laden put out yet another tape. He criticized President Musharraf of Pakistan for seizing a radical mosque. He also pitched a reality show about an Al Qaeda training camp that's run entirely by kids... Blackwater security was banned from Iraq after a bunch of their mercenaries opened fire on a crowded street and killed 11 people. President Bush was quick to respond, saying, "Have you seen that MoveOn ad? It's a disgrace!" The Iraqi government wanted the US to cut ties with the Blackwater security contractor, because they're too dangerous. Al-Maliki said suicide bombers don't feel safe walking the streets anymore... Blackwater denied that they shot Iraqi civilians for no reason. They just wanted to get O.J.'s memorabilia and go.
O.J. Can You See?
OJ said he just wanted to get his memorabilia back. You see, he's like President Bush; he's starting to think about his legacy. The sports memorabilia world is pretty sleazy. Hillary's seriously looking at giving some of their campaign contributions back.
Iraq And A Hard Place President Bush endorsed General Petraeus' recommendations in a 15-minute primetime address. Because the American people deserve to hear it straight from the horse's ass... In an informal lunch with reporters, President Bush admitted to being outsmarted by the enemy at several stages of the Iraq war. Those stages, according to Bush, are: the beginning, the middle, and the end. This is what's so poignant about Bush: he's just smart enough to have occasional flashes of insight into just how stupid he is.... In other war news: A top Sunni sheik who met with President Bush in Iraq recently was targeted and killed by a bomb. And to try and head off mounting concerns, the White House scrambled to find a videotape of President Bush touching something that didn't turn to shit... Americans need to connect the dots. Our addiction to oil is producing greenhouse gasses that are causing global warming which prevents our troops from leaving Iraq because Bush isn't pulling them out 'til hell freezes over.
Lest We Remember Last week marked the sixth anniversary of 9/11. The White House downplayed the milestone. I guess America is in the final stage of grief, acceptance. I guess we've "let it go"... kind of like President Bush did with Osama bin Laden... Apparently Osama bin Laden's videos did not include any secret signals to Al Qaeda operatives. Mainly, according to Bin Laden, because he was worried that Bill Belichick would steal them.
Bourbon Street Walker A former New Orleans prostitute is claiming that Louisiana Senator Larry Vitter paid her for sex two or three times a week over a five month period. That's a Republican for you: they'll cheat on their wife, but they're monogamous with their hookers. ... She's now going to appear in Hustler magazine. So kudos to Senator Vitter for helping his constituents reach the American Dream.
Humberto Humberto Hurricane Humberto, which sprang up overnight, became the first hurricane in two years to hit the US when it crashed ashore in Texas. And Lou Dobbs is furious. Humberto crashed into Texas and apparently had no insurance.
Where You Bin? Osama Bin Laden released a new video. In it, he appeared to be wearing a fake beard. His old beard was grey and bushy, but this one was neatly trimmed and almost black. So it was either fake, or he's become the world's first Islamofascist metrosexual. At first, the CIA suspected that it was either bin-Laden, or this very good bin-Laden impersonator who came in third on "Pakistan's Got Talent." But then it turned out that the beard was just something he put on to appeal to his base. Kind of like Fred Thompson driving that pickup truck.... In the video, Bin-Laden made no "overt threats." Although he was very pissed at Apple for cutting the price of the iPhone....
Austrailian Bushman President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. He said, to develop effective policy, sometimes you have to get a first-hand look at the facts you're ignoring.... He then went all gangsta and warned Iran's president that he'd "slap the brown off his face." ... The President then went to Australia. Bush said he was impressed with "the natural beauty of Australia but - you can't fool me - you stole this whole look from our Outback Steakhouses." ... Then, in an awkward confrontation during a photo session, South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun publicly challenged President Bush to "end the Korean War," which was resolved with a truce in 1953, but not with a peace treaty, so the two sides technically remain at war. And, out of habit, Bush told Roh to, please, just be patient and wait for General Petraeus's report....
LarryCraig'sList Senator Larry Craig indicated that he might not resign after all. He hinted that he may try to fight this one out and finish his term. He had one foot out the door, and the other gently caressing the guy in the next stall. ... Craig said he'd been mulling it over and mulling it over and there's just one thing he keeps coming back to: the idea of some stranger filling his seat. ... Almost every Senate Republican wanted him out. But he say's that's okay, it's not the first time he'd taken on 46 men. ... Craig's supporters called for a boycott of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport. Sorry folks, but between Larry and the airport, Larry's the one with more baggage.... Craig's fans held signs outside the airport that said, "Hell No, We Won't Blow." They also planned a massive protest called the Million Man Munch. ...Don't laugh, the Senate Ethics Committee would probably let him slide if he could just get his guilty plea overturned. Although apparently this particular airport bathroom was so notorious for anonymous gay sex that Craig actually had to make a reservation. In fact, if you want the handicapped stall there's a $250 deposit...
Politics As Unusual Fred Thompson is officially in the race for President. He is the first candidate who's running not on name recognition, but on face recognition. He's the "Oh, that guy" candidate. ... Fred Thompson may have been in Hollywood too long. He said he's the only Republican who can beat Hillary... and even if he doesn't, it's an honor just to be nominated. ... In other political news: Did you see the Republican debate? They're old, and there's a lot of them. At Wednesday's debate, Sam Brownback's opening remark was "Good evening and welcome to Wal-Mart." ... A new poll revealed people view Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani as the least religious of the major presidential candidates. They said the closest Rudy comes to inspiring religious feelings, is when he brings up 9/11 and people say, "Jesus, give it a rest." ... In New Jersey, 11 public officials were arrested and charged with taking bribes in exchange for awarding of public contracts. Or, as that's called in New Jersey, "governing."
LarryCraigslist
The whole Larry Craig scandal showed how bad gay people in Idaho have it: they have to fly to Minnesota to have anonymous gay sex... Craig told reporters: "I'm not gay. I never have been gay. Now my boyfriend – he's gay." ...Craig's excuses were not very believable. He said he wasn't trying to touch feet with the guy, but that when he goes to the bathroom he has "a wide stance." Eew. Maybe it's me, but I would have preferred he told us about the gay sex... I can't figure out how a 62-year-old white Republican from Boise even knew these secret gay signals. Is there a book called, "Toilet Sex for Dummies?" Then Craig tried to lawyer himself out of it. He said, "It depends on what the meaning of the word "jizz" is. Ironically, Larry Craig had voted to impeach Bill Clinton. If you think there's no room for adultery in the Oval Office, try doing it in a bathroom stall. ... Fun Fact: The St. Paul airport is a hub for Northwestern. And it's also attracting a start-up airline, Ass Virgin.
Comings And Goings
Fred Thompson said that next week he'll officially announce he's running for president. A Republican hasn't done this much teasing since Larry Craig got arrested... Thompson just wanted to cash one more residual check before they take the "Law and Order" reruns off the air... And Republicans are excited about Thompson. They know if he's in the men's room it's due to an enlarged prostate and not for gay toilet sex. Republican Senator John Warner of Virginia announced his retirement. He said he wanted to spend more time with heterosexuals.
Alberto Gonzales resigned from the Justice Department. Which was historic, because it was the first time he admitted he worked there. Actually he fired himself, and then couldn't recall if he'd done it....
New Orleans marked the 2nd anniversary of Hurricane Katrina on Wednesday. Did you see Bush? He hugged so many black women Condi got jealous.
As it must to all exonerated fatsos, death has come to Richard Jewell. If you don't recognize the name, here's what happened. There was a terrorist bombing, and we got the completely wrong guy, framed him, and destroyed his life. It made journalists look bad, and gave Bush the idea for Iraq.
There is some good news for Larry Craig: gay couples can get married in Iowa. A judge in Iowa ruled that the state's ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.
Conservatives in Iowa are furious. Forget same-sex marriages, they don't even believe in hybrid corn. This is surprising because Iowa doesn't have a huge gay population. Their gay pride parade is one guy on a tractor waving an ear of rainbow corn. A minister in Des Moines has already married one gay couple. And in that one, simple gesture, he made Iowa 400 percent more interesting than it's ever been.
GOP Senator John Warner urged President Bush to bring 5,000 U.S. troops home from Iraq by Christmas. And Bush immediately asked, "Do we even have that many body bags?"... Since the surge began, the number of Iraqis fleeing their homes has, well, surged. Humanitarian groups say the surge is transforming Iraq in to a land of sealed-off sectarian enclaves. You know, like Los Angeles. The good news about our bridges falling down? When the terrorists follow us home, they won’t be able to get west of the Mississippi.
Etc.
Jenna Bush is engaged. President Bush is thrilled. He said Henry is a wonderful young man, he comes from a good family, and the wiretaps turned up nothing. The Midwest is mostly underwater. A woman in Iowa who lost her home said all she has left is the memories, and they only go back a week 'cause she's a meth addict...
Border Crossings The Senate reached agreement on an immigration bill. Under this plan, illegal immigrants can gain permanent status if they get a special visa, pay a $5,000 fine, and promise to stop blasting that God-awful music. Also, Ugly Betty has to do something with her hair... Everyone was arguing about the bill. Democrats thought that it was too harsh and confusing, and Republicans wished there was some way to expand it from "Mexicans" to "the poor in general." ... Conservatives said we shouldn't reward people who came here illegally. What "reward" were they talking about? The right to pick strawberries without being deported? Ooh, they've really hit the jackpot now! ... President Bush said, "This is a bill where people who live here in our country will be treated not without amnesty but without animosity." Everything's about marketing with Bush. He's rolling out "Amnesty Lite" -- the same great amnesty, but with a third less animosity.
Wolfie Out The Door Paul Wolfowitz resigned from the World Bank. This was a shocking story. Who could have predicted that the architect of the Iraq war would take on an important job and f@#k it up? ... Wolfowitz is now easing into his new role, "Creep without portfolio" and said he wants to try his hand at completely f@#king something up in the private sector.
All's Well That Ends Falwell The passing of Rev. Jerry Falwell marked a tragic day for America, because now if we want to watch an unhinged fundamentalist leader spouting nonsense, we're left with Bin Laden. ... He collapsed on the floor of his office and never regained consciousness, not that he had much to begin with. ... He really lived an exemplary Christian life. Who can doubt that if Jesus were alive today, he'd be on "Hannity and Colmes" b*tching about gays at Disneyland?
Can I Get A Witness? The U.S. military offered a $200,000 reward for any information about the location of those three missing American soldiers, or the identity of their kidnappers. Also, half a million dollars to anyone who can explain what the hell we're doing there.
Auto Erotic Toyota unveiled its most expensive hybrid vehicle yet—the luxury sedan Lexus LS which sells for $125,000. That seems like a hefty price tag until you realize it comes with a full tank of gas.
Gonzo But Not Forgotten Democrats proposed a no-confidence vote to try and pressure Alberto Gonzales to step down. It's a risky move by Democrats. Their whole plan hinges on Gonzales having some sense of shame.
Fire Jokes With Me Here in L.A., a huge fire at Griffith Park burned about 20 percent off the top of the park. But in Hollywood, 20 percent off the top is pretty standard... Police believe the fire was started by a homeless man's cigarette. Man, this has been one bad year for Michael Richards... Fortunately, all the animals in the zoo were kept safe. At least until Andy Dick gets drunk again... But they're not taking any chances out here: The LA City Council has banned fat people from wearing corduroy. And me, I went out and bought a flame retardant bong. And authorities are warning citizens: If you smell smoke, the best thing to do is go in the bathroom, where there's water, and lie down on the floor. If David Hasselhoff is already there, just kick him out of the way.
Rudy Romney Both Giuliani and Mitt Romney's wife have donated to Planned Parenthood. Romney said his wife does what she wants, she's her own person, and how grandpa handled twelve of these b**ches he'll never know... Al Sharpton criticized Romney, saying Mormons don't really believe in God. Then Romney called Sharpton a bigot. Then Sharpton said the Romney campaign was trying to fabricate a controversy. And if anybody knows about fabricating a controversy, it's the Reverend Al.
Acting Like Dix Six bozos were planning to attack Fort Dix. They were caught because they took their terrorist training videos to Circuit City, to get them transferred to DVD. Circuit City reminds them of paradise. Only the 72 virgins are the guys who work there... And get this: of the six accused Muslim terrorists arrested this week, one drove a cab, while another worked at a 7-Eleven.Is it that hard to avoid your own stereotype? Cho wanted to shoot as many people as he could, but at least he had the decency not to be good at math.
Twister The Blight Away They're still cleaning up from that tornado in Kansas. Bush helped by clowning around with a chainsaw. He had to do the work himself. He's the only member of the National Guard who's not in Iraq... By having Bush rev up a chainsaw for the cameras, Rove is trying to shed the President's cowboy image and replace it with something softer -- Leatherface.
That Sucks A New England Journal of Medicine study said that people who've had oral sex with more than six partners are nine times more likely to develop throat cancer. A sad day, I never thought I'd see Bill Clinton cry... And here in West Hollywood the flags and the men are at half-staff.
Republican National Intervention At a private White House meeting last week, moderate Republicans told President Bush that conditions in Iraq must improve by fall or more of the GOP would desert him. Wow. Bush said he misses those innocent days when people just threatened to leave him because of his drinking.
Go F**k Me There's a rumor in Washington that the phone list from the prostitution scandal included Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location." The worst thing about being the Vice President's prostitute? When he shoots in your face.
Pontificating The Pope begged young Catholics to resist the temptations of wealth, power and other "snares of evil." In other words, the priests.
Iraq My Brain… Congress sent President Bush a bill that would have brought the troops home. He vetoed it because "Setting a deadline for withdrawal is setting a date for failure." He called the bill a "Prescription for chaos and confusion." As opposed to what's going on now in Iraq, which is available without a prescription...Speaking of which: Iraq's parliament is planning to take a two-month summer break. Apparently: the one part of American-style government they've got down pat is the f#cking off part...Also last week: Iran's foreign minister stormed out of a dinner with Condi Rice because the female violinist entertaining them was dressed too revealingly. Poor Condi. She flies halfway around the world, and even the Muslim guys don't notice her.
Master Debaters The Republican debates starred the 10 Republican presidential candidates. Again, it's very early in the race. Both Giuliani and McCain still have time to remarry… Three of the candidates said they don't believe in evolution. And after watching them, I was beginning to have doubts myself...At one point they asked Mitt Romney what he didn't like about America and he said, "Gosh, I love America." Because that's what we need right now-a president who believes that everything is just fine.
Cop Outs LA cops used night-sticks and rubber bullets to disperse a fleeing crowd of immigration protestors. Nobody was seriously injured. But three bags of oranges were said to be in critical condition.
The Handy Man Cometh Last week, New Jersey kids who tuned into the Disney Channel cartoon "Handy Manny," which is about a bilingual handyman and his talking tools, saw hard-core porn instead. And the kids didn't think anything of it because they'd seen the gardener using the same tool on Mommy.
Osama, Can You See? Time Magazine made its annual list of the most influential people - and Osama Bin Laden was on it, but not President Bush. That's because when it comes to Iraq, Bin Laden actually has a plan.
Evicted Tenet Former CIA director George Tenet wrote in a new book that "there was never a serious debate within the administration" about going to war with Iraq. He's the guy who said there was a "slam-dunk" case that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. Now he admits it was more like a three-pointer taken from half-court.
Who Ordered 41? President Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe at Camp David last week. Bush greeted Abe warmly, pressed him on the Japanese-American trade deficit, and then, for old times sake, brought in his dad to throw up on him.
Rudy, Rudy, Rudy Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president, expect another 9/11. Although hopefully not before he's milked the first one for every last dollar. … Also: Giuliani said he is against the New Hampshire state senate's decision to legalize gay civil unions. Rudy said marriage is between one man and one woman at a time.
Straight Talk Excess John McCain officially threw his hat in the ring this week in New Hampshire. McCain slipped in a thinly veiled critique of the Bush administration when he promised to restore honor and integrity to honor and integrity.
View To A Kill Rosie O'Donnell announced last week that she will leave The View. What'd I tell you, Imus? One door closes, another one open… Donald Trump called it not just a personal victory-for himself-but a bigger victory, for a$$holes everywhere...
Parental Indiscretion Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey and his estranged wife went to divorce court today to fight a heated custody battle over their daughter. Hear that Ireland Baldwin? You're not the only one whose dad is a big screamer.
-- Edited by RealTimeStaffer at 05/02/2007 12:57 PM
-- Edited by RealTimeStaffer at 05/02/2007 12:58 PM
Bring Me The Head OF Alberto Gonzales Alberto Gonzales testified last week about the U.S. Attorney firings. He said he's learned from his mistakes, and the next time Karl Rove orders him to fire career prosecutors to make room for party hacks, he'll handle it completely differently...I don't wanna say Gonzales' testimony was improvised and made up as he went along but, when he entered the chamber, Arlen Specter said, "Thank God You;re Here."
Don't Let The Gates Hit You... In Baghdad, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said America's patience was wearing out with the slow pace of political change. To which Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki replied that democracy was exploding all over the country. Gates actually said, "The clock is ticking." And al-Maliki dove under the table.... When John MCain was asked about Iran last week, he responded by singing a parody of a Beach Boys song: "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." Is there some phone number we can call to vote him out of the competition?
Abort Mission The Supreme Court voted 5 to 4 to uphold the ban on late-term abortions. So my weekend was shot.... Republican lawmakers called it a big win for the "sanctity of life," and then they voted to send more troops to Iraq. Mitt Romney called the decision a step forward. John McCain said it made him very happy. And Rudy Giuliani said, "My girdle is killing me."
Practice What You Preacher The preacher's wife in Tennessee who killed her husband with a shotgun was found guilty of manslaughter. She claimed he made her watch porn and perform "unnatural" sex acts. I didn't realize there were any unnatural sex acts in Tennessee.
Imus In The Mourning After his "nappy-headed 'hos" remark, Don Imus went on an apology tour but it wasn't enough. He pointed out that he liked black music, hosted black guests, and wore that hat because he was a cattle pimp.... On Wednesday, MSNBC cancelled his TV show. And the real loser there was the American people, because there's nothing more exciting than watching radio on TV. Then, on Thursday, CBS axed his radio show. One would have assumed that the firings would have left Imus both angry and depressed. But, frankly, who could tell with that face? ...Later, he met with the Rutgers girls and they accepted his apology. In fairness, most of the students said they would have accepted anything just to get away from that creepy old white man. ...Personally, I just wish we could put race aside and admit that before Imus and Sharpton talk about anybody else's, they both need to fix their own hair. ...And my second wish is that the white man and the black man could find common ground and agree to make fun of that Indian kid on American Idol....On the upside for CBS, they did some market research and found they could retain Imus' core audience by just playing tapes of an old, growling bear.
You've Lost Mail The White House can't find a few of Karl Rove's emails... about four years' worth. No wonder they can't find Bin Laden in a cave in Pakistan. They can't find the fat guy down the hall.... And it's such an insulting lie. Remember the good old days, when Pat Leahy would ask for something and the White House would have the respect to just tell him to f**k himself?
Bank Error And You're Out Of Favor Our old friend Paul Wolfowitz is in trouble at the World Bank for getting his girlfriend a promotion and a $75,000 raise. I know that's hard to believe. But Paul Wolfowitz really does have a girlfriend.
Establishing A Birkhead A DNA test revealed that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. He's now entitled to some of her child support money. Or as he put it, "My sperm works so I don’t have to."
We Support The Profiteers The Senate voted to put a deadline on the Iraq fiasco. The President also said he would fight any attempt by the Democratic-controlled Congress to cut off money for the war. He vowed that he would not let that happen to brave men and women of Halliburton.
Photo Op Accomplished President George "Reaction Time" Bush visited Walter Reed Hospital, only six weeks after the scandal broke. I know there are always security plans to make before the president leaves the White House, but this is just up the street. In five weeks he could have tunneled. At Walter Reed, he helped one soldier with his physical therapy. And in return the soldier pulled Bush's head out of his ass.... In related news: the Army said a third of the 18-year-olds who want to join up are overweight. You know you're a fat soldier when the pattern on your camouflage is a brick wall.
Treading Territorial Waters Iran television broadcast a video of three of the captured British sailors: The sailors said they were confined to tiny rooms with no heat and horrible food -- why it was almost like being back home.... They were seen in a room with pink floral drapes and a bowl of fruit on the table. How come every place in Iran looks like my Grandma's house in Hackensack? ...An Iranian official said, "Don't think of this as a hostage crisis, think of it as 'Big Brother: Tehran.'" ...Iran said in order to resolve the hostage stand-off, Britain had to admit that its 15 sailors and marines entered Iranian waters. And Tony Blair was not messing around: he jumped right off of President Bush's lap and started barking at the door.
Holy Confection Booth An art exhibit that featured a milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus called "My Sweet Lord" was cancelled because of complaints from the Catholic Churches. A Church spokesman said it's not only blasphemy; it's a huge waste of candy that could be used to seduce altar boys…. And the Irish Catholics weren't upset because Jesus was chocolate. They were upset because he was black.
Hail To The Self-Deprecator-In-Chief At the Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner, Bush gave a self-deprecating speech poking fun at himself. Here's a tip from a professional, Mr. President: self-deprecation only works when people like you. ...Karl Rove appeared onstage as "MC Rove" dancing awkwardly to rap music. Forget the Iraq, health care and global warming: this is reason enough to elect Barack Obama.... And Karl knows he's gangsta. Karl said, "Sure I've never robbed a liquor store but I've stolen two presidential elections."
Going, Going Gonzo Later Alberto Gonzales said he was not twisting in the wind - he was break dancing.... Gonzales said that he didn't lie about being involved in the firing of those prosecutors; he just didn't "recall being involved." You knew that Gonzales was really losing Republican support when Ann Coulter called him "El Faggo." ...Gonzales' former chief of staff Kyle Sampson testified that Gonzalez was involved in the firings those federal prosecutors even though he said he wasn't. But he is wily, that Alberto Gonzalez. He then came out with his new cover story, "No hablo Ingles."
Rudy But True In an interview with Barbara Walters, former New York City Mayor and presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said that if elected president, he would have no problem allowing his wife Judith Giuliani to sit in on cabinet meetings. But Rudy added, "Just as long as she doesn't show up wearing the same dress as me." ...Polls showed Rudy Giuliani leading the Republican candidates for president, and Hillary Clinton leading the Democrats. It could be not only an all-New York election, but the all time worst "Dancing With The Stars."
Chewing The Qud Bush says Iran's Revolutionary Guards elite Quds Force has been supplying Shiites in Iraq with a particularly lethal type of roadside bombs known as EFP's, or "Explosively Formed Penetrators." ...Bush said he can't prove that the supplying of arms had been ordered by top Iranian officials. But that's never stopped him before.... Bush accused the Iranians of "meddling." Yeah, and everything was going so perfectly until they stuck their noses in.
