My 19 Sept 2006 blog entry on "Rome" Cast Fashion Disasters included a few dud links, which I've corrected. There is now A POLL where you may vote for "Worst Dressed".

Nominees are:
1) Kevin "Left-Dresser" McKidd. Gods beneath us, don't look under the tunic.
2) James "Pirate" Purefoy. Arrrrgh, James should not only walk the plank, he should be beaten with it. Thanks for getting tarted up for the red-carpet event, mate.
3) "Space Ray" Stevenson. The bloke standing next to Ray may appear calm, but inside he's screaming, evidenced by the hair standing on end.
4) Tobias "Paisley Jobby" Menzies. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

CAST YOUR VOTE!

I've no fookin clue what inspired somebody to run an election for Mayor of Rome, and I've even less of clue about how I got nominated, but it happened. There was a thread on HBO about it.

Candidates were:
* Kynkari: gaseous matron of the Savage Cunny Bar & Grille (Rome Chat Room!)
* Kynkari's running mate TitusPullo (Yours Truly): a drunken no-account squaddie of the 13th Legion
* OldManWithers: a Scooby Doo character who hates meddling kids
* Marcus Junius Brutus: a posh whinger who killed somebody famous, oooh if I could only remember the name...
* LuciusVorenus: First Spear Centurion and Evocarti of the 13th Legion, short-arsed laundry-wearing ginger-knobbed PRAT
* a mouldy dormouse

A portion of the Kynkari/TitusPullo platform read:
- Pullo: To aid with the consumption of wine...
- Kynkari: ...and give you a place to pour it. *displays backside*
- Pullo: To aid with the production of piss for the cloth-dyers...
- Kynkari: ...and any left over piss will be served on tap at the Savage Cunny Bar and Grille.

Graft and corruption were rampant as LuciusVorenus fixed the polls and Kynkari/TitusPullo ran a sordid smear campaign (smear #1, smear #2). The mouldy dormouse almost prevailed, but he met with an unfortunate shaving accident that resulted in a tragic craniectomy. As for how the Kynkari/TitusPullo ticket won, I suspect lots of shit-faced voters. Three cheers for democracy. *hic hic* hooray.

Someone wake me up when my term is over, eh?

My blog entry on "cock socks" got me thinking about... FASHION!

We all know what the Romans wore, togas and what have you (see Vorenus in his laundry here), so I thought I'd blow this blog entry by instead sharing the cast of "Rome" in some of their more embarrassing moments, when costume designer April Ferry wasn't round to make sure they didn't look like utter twats. Apparently mirrors were a bit too dear.

Blue-eyed ginger-knob Kevin McKidd (Vorenus) apparently thought the rust and blue in this shirt would bring out his finer features, but then he added a BLACK JACKET. Why, Kevin, why?! It's like painting a Rolls Royce dayglo green. Tragic.
[Rating: 2/4 bottles of brain bleach]

And let's not forget this former bicycle courier's fab biker shorts worn under his tunic from this arsed-up Rome publicity still.
[Rating: 3/4 buckets of brain bleach coz I can see which way he dresses - AAAGH]

Sure, it takes a brave man to wear pink and say "oh do f-ck off" to fashionistas who would instantly label him a knob jockey. But two of Rome's more virile cast members made this unfortunate choice and were immortalised on celluloid. Ray Stevenson (Pullo) runs to the ruddy to begin with, so the pink shirt only makes him look like he's either rightfully embarrassed about his kit or he's been on the piss (drunk) since dawn. Gods beneath us, it's Pullo In Pink (credit to magialuna). James Purefoy (Antony) adds insult to injury with a pink shirt and pinker TIE. Oh the humanity. No wonder they both lost the bid to play debonnaire James Bond.
[Tied - Rating: 3/4 buckets of brain bleach]

Tobias Menzies (Brutus) gets two snaps and a twist for this bizarre paisley jobby. At least it isn't pink.
[Tied - Rating: 3/4 buckets of brain bleach]

However, I think the Fashion Disaster Award will go to James, who some of you know played Blackbeard for the Beeb. Still, no excuse for this travesty. ARRRRGGH. He should not only walk the plank, he should be beaten with it.
[Rating: 4/4 tubs of brain bleach]

But wait....

Honourable mention must go to Ray. He's a golfer so I was expecting some horror, but ... *shiver* The stalkers at ray-stevenson.com sent me a few that had me wheezing. Poor lad was caught in a photog's crosshairs outside some night club -- one stalker assured me that the image database containing this photo listed it with the keywords "drunk" and "two day beard growth". Well done, sir. Here Ray thought he'd spruce up the old dark jacket / white shirt combo with a tie covered in Jackson Pollock's vomit. The coup de gras, however, is Spaaaaace Raaaaaay!!!!!!111 Holy f-cksocks, guv. The chap next to Ray may seem calm, but inside he's screaming. You can tell by the hair standing on end.
[Rating: eleventy-one olympic-sized swimming pools of brain bleach]

On second thought, sod James. Ray wins hands down.

My thanks to those who sent photos included in this crap essay, but if you find a photo of Ray in a cock sock, do not inflict it on me. For the love of God, just BURN IT.

Right. Let's see how many of you actually subscribed to this rubbish.

For anybody who hasn't heard of it, a 'cock sock' is a sort of pouch worn on a male actor's dangly bits during nude scenes. I've joked about it in the Savage Cunny Bar & Grille (Rome Chat Room!) for months, and finally the topic wheedled its way into "Rome"-related media via this article. Only... the article politely calls it a "wind sock". WIND SOCK!? Isn't that the bright orange thingy that captures wind at aeroports for showing which way the wind's blowing? Which then prompted me to go round the bend.

The article was entirely inaccurate! A wind sock is worn on an actor's BUM for the purpose of muffling the results of a legumous lunch. I do recall, many moons ago *waxes nostalgic*, a scene where a host of extras *cough - I mean 'supporting artists'* were lying about at the end of a Western shoot-out scene, all playing dead bodies, and take three guesses what the chuck-wagon lunch was? Right. So one parp and hilarity ensued -- the entire deceased cast was quaking. Many takes could have been saved if only - IF ONLY - the actors would have worn wind socks.

(I'm going to hell for this... *bleaches eyes*)
I have uncovered the uncut footage of a wind sock used in "Rome". In this still, you can clearly see the wind sock before it was edited out in post.

Some of you may have guessed I blagged it on the majority of the above. Shhhh!

But the 'cock sock' is quite real.

*scratches bollox* Wtf??