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This topic has been archived - replies are not allowed.
Was thinking today about the success of a similar thread started by charlieroofer on the Rome boards and that it might be fun for us to have a place where we can post our favorite written or otherwise joke material, secular, religious, quotidian or political. This is not to take away from Ru's Deadwood Comics but to supplement what he posts there. So, in hopes this thread will take off and stay on top as well as the "Do GOP righty wingnuts want to start a second Civil War?" thread, I'll start with this one forwarded from my boss to me via e-mail today: "Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition: 1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back in the next life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. This bozone layer unfortunately shows no signs of breaking down at any time in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Innoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a really serious bummer. 12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only foods that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you realize you've walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a larva in the fruit you're eating." Looking forward to seeing your fun and funny stuff posted here too! Cleo  -- "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke "I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
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Sep 2, 2009 11:03 AM
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That happened to me once. I was body surfing, got caught in a wave, came up with my top down.
If you really knew me, you would know how embarrassed I was.
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Edited by ronnie at 09/02/2009 8:03 AM PDT
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Sep 2, 2009 11:01 AM
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LOL.
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Sep 1, 2009 11:44 PM
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A buxom young woman hits the surf at her local beach, trying to stretch one more season out of her already stretched bikini.
Just as she turns for deeper water - BAM, she's broadsided by a huge wave, blasting the top away, never to be seen again.
She hunkers down trying to hide what's happened from the unsuspecting public and as she does so, she notices a little boy making all due haste towards her.
She heads to the left, and he obligingly changes course. Then to the right with the same result.
Finally, as he closes to within a few feet of her she angrily asks: "Just what is it you want?"
The boy says...
"Excuse me for bothering you, but if you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the one with the pink nose?"
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Daniel
HBO Forums Abuser
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8/21/09 Bill's New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party
Aug 21, 2009 5:56 PM
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Just spotted this via HuffPo's daily e-mail and thought you'd like to see it too. It's a preview of Bill's closing statement for tonight's show, for those of you who plan to see it.
Bill's interview subjects are Sam Harris, author of The End of Faith, about the link between religious faith and violence and investigative journo, Jeremy Scahill, whose work focuses on global issues, most notably the recent rise of private military companies.
My guess is that Bill's discussion with Scahill might center around the recent revelations that Blackwater supplied the manpower for Cheney's CIA assassination squad.
The panel is a doozy that should draw a great audience as well: comic Jay Leno, master pollster and MSNBC political director, Chuck Todd, and Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D - Ill).
New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party
By Bill Maher
HuffPo
August 21. 2009
"New Rule: If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given.
Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect -- deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.
If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.
If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Preamble to the Constitution says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"
One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.
In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "
But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism."
Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.
In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?
When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."
Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.
In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.
Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex."
Here's the link:
HuffPo 8/21/09 - Bill's New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party
A great weekend to all and enjoy the show,
Cleo
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Bill Maher: New Rule: Smart President Does Not Equal A Smart Country
Aug 7, 2009 3:24 PM
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Although last week's HuffPo gifted us with Bill's entire closing monologue, this week, we're given only one new rule leading into tonight's show, but it's a goodie:
Bill Maher: New Rule: Smart President Does Not Equal a Smart Country
HuffPo
August 7, 2009
"Bill Maher: New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. And before I go about demonstrating how, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. Take the health care debate we're presently having: members of Congress have recessed now so they can go home and "listen to their constituents."
An urge they should resist because their constituents don't know anything. At a recent town-hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his Congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like which is kind of like driving cross country to protest highways."
Sorry, I can't link this because it appeared in today's HuffPo "Daily Brief" e-mail, and because it's not yet been posted on HuffPo's "23/6" Comedy page.
So, as the GOP universally insists when it comes to any representation whatsoever, you'll just have to take my word for it. And watch for Bill to repeat this New Rule on his program tonight.
Enjoy!
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Kenyan' Offer of Dowry of 40 Goats, 20 Cows for Chelsea Clinton Up to Her
Aug 6, 2009 1:14 PM
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Just spotted this and thought you'd enjoy seeing a bit of the lighter side of being America's Secretary of State:
Dowry of 40 goats, 20 cows up to 'very independent' Chelsea, Clinton says
AP Feed
August 6, 2009
"NAIROBI, Kenya (AP) A Kenyan man's offer of 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage may still be on the table and Hillary Rodham Clinton has promised to convey the "very kind offer" to her daughter.
To laughter at a town hall meeting Thursday in Kenya, CNN's Fareed Zakaria asked the U.S. Secretary of State if the Clintons had made a decision on the dowry offer.
In 2000, a Kenyan man wrote to then-president Bill Clinton offering the animals in accordance with African tradition.
After a pause, Clinton said, "My daughter is her own person, very independent, so I will convey this very kind offer."
Clinton has denied rumors that her daughter, 29, is planning to get married this summer."
AP: Hillary Says Kenyan's Offer of Farm Animals for Dowry for Chelsea is Up to Her
Enjoy!
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Edited by CleopatraVIII at 08/07/2009 12:10 PM PDT
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Video - William Shatner Reads Palin's Farewell Speech as Beat Poetry
Jul 28, 2009 3:22 PM
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Who among you didn't have a high school teacher read a doo wop or some nonsense song like "I'm Henry VIII, I am" during a school talent show?
That was before talent shows went national in the greatest el cheapo major entertainment boondoggle that has now cheated the public out of quality fare for years in exchange for "American Idol" and "So You Think You Can Dance?", not to mention, "The Bachelor".
Nevertheless, in the talent show spirit, here's William Shatner reading Palin's loopy "farewell address" as beat poetry.
Sorry my computer won't allow me to access and watch Shatner's eyes light up at the mention of Hollywood starlets in imitation of Sarah's when she did so as well. LOL
William Shatner Makes Palin's Speech Into Poetry (VIDEO)
HuffPo
July 28, 2009
"Is Sarah Palin secretly a beat poet? Do her words make little to no sense because she is so immersed in language and lyrics that she operates on a plane we cannot grasp? We sincerely doubt it, but that was the implication last night as William Shatner appeared on the "Tonight Show" and read Sarah's resignation speech in his typical Shatner way, with all the lilting and soft drum beats we've come to expect. It was quite magical."
Video available here is accessible via this link:
HuffPo 7/27/09 - Wm. Shatner reads Palin's farewell speech as beat poetry
Enjoy!
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Jul 24, 2009 3:57 PM
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You're welcome, Rainy!
Am hurrying to post this in the "Sy Hersh Cheney Assassination squad rumor" thread for posters who don't read in here.
You coulda knocked me off this chair with a feather when I saw his remarks about war profiteers and such!
Bill takes on the Military Industrial Complex! Woo hoo!
Have a great weekend!
C.
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Jul 24, 2009 3:53 PM
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Yeay, Bill!
Thanks Cleo
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7/24/09 - Bill's New Rule - Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit
Jul 24, 2009 3:49 PM
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In what might be his statement at the close of tonight's show, here's Bill in HuffPo with New Rule - Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit.
Some of you might be thoroughly surprised by the fact that Bill takes on the MIC in this piece.
As I live and breathe!
[Be sure to click on the link at end for an internal link to a video of Bill's "The Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into a mental hospital" - Cleo.]
New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit
By Bill Maher
HuffPo
July 24, 2009
How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money. The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are.
Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves -- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.
Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason -- who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population -- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.
Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."
But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.
And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.
But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.
Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.
When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.
And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!
Bill Maher, host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher airs live tonight at 10pm."
Here's the link:
HuffPo 7/24/09 - Bill Maher - New Rule - Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit
A great Friday and weekend to all,
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Edited by CleopatraVIII at 07/24/2009 12:53 PM PDT
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HuffPo 7/23/09 - Jon Stewart Eviscerates The 'Birther' Movement (VIDEO)
Jul 23, 2009 10:46 AM
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Yes, Bart, and now we can add Lewis Black's friend, Jon Stewart's skewering of the stupidity of the birthers.
In fact the GOP has not disappointed in dishing an unending diet of stupidity since the start of the electoral process.
Seems they had become so "base" centered through the years that they lost sight of the intelligence that's largely prevalent in the remaining segments of American society.
Poor them. LOLOL!
Jon Stewart Eviscerates The 'Birther' Movement (VIDEO)
By Alex Leo
HuffPo
July 23, 2009
"In a lengthy opening segment, Jon Stewart took on "birthers" last night, mocking their internal leadership and the media figures and politicians who support them. If you don't know by now (which is totally possible as a rational adult who does not engage with the lunatic fringe) "birthers" think that our president is not an American citizen, but instead a citizen of Kenya, who, through a massive government and familial conspiracy, tricked the American people into electing him.
Despite OVERWHELMING evidence that Barack Obama is a U.S. citizen, "birthers" have created a media frenzy of late that has prompted conservative representatives to introduced the so called "birther bill" that would call for presidential candidates to provide their birth certificates before running.
There has been some very responsible reporting on the subject, if you can ever call engaging crazy people responsible, by Rick Sanchez, Chris Matthews and others who called these people crazy and showed copies of the president's birth certificate amongst other documents proving he was born in Hawaii.
Still, the subject hasn't really been delved into with the amount of scrutiny it deserves until the "Daily Show" does a segment on it."
[Watch the video at this locale via the link]
Here's the link:
HuffPo 7/23/09 - John Stewart Eviscerates the Bithers - Video
Have a great day,
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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Edited by CleopatraVIII at 07/23/2009 7:49 AM PDT
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Jul 22, 2009 12:05 PM
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Gotta love Lewis Black!!! I saw that "live" the other night and laughed hysterically. Lewis is regularly spot on and biting in his criticism of stupidy in politics and everyday life. "A friend of a friend" would not even hold up in court. What a friggin' ass.
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When in doubt, hit him in the head. --Coach Lawyer
You've just been invited to suck it. --Steve Carell (The Office)
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Jul 22, 2009 9:58 AM
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> Don't know if this qualifies as humor
Nope
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Courtesy of Daily Kos: Lewis Black Destroys GOP Health Care Talking Points
Jul 22, 2009 9:57 AM
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Here are a transcript and video of Lewis Black's hilarious debunking of the GOP talking points against health care during an appearance on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show.
Lewis Black destroys GOP talking points on health care
by BruinKid
Daily Kos
July 22, 2009
"Of all the people in the media, once again, the best rebuttal to the numerous GOP talking points on health care has come from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Last night, Lewis Black was on in his "Back in Black" segment to discuss health care. He laid out just about every single main right-wing talking point against real health care reform, and showed their utter stupidity and nonsense one by one. This is a must-see video, and should be used as a primer when talking with conservatives against health care reform.
[Video to entire presentation here accessible via the link at the end - Cleo]
Now, before someone says Black didn't offer substantive facts in his rebuttals, sometimes folks, when you're dealing with truly stupid talking points, the best response isn't one filled with facts and figures, but rather snarky dismissiveness. Showing McConnell's anecdote doesn't even qualify as an urban legend is brilliant IMO."
Transcript:
Black: I've always had a great health care plan; I plan to someday care about my health. But I was all ready to support president Obama's health care reform until I saw these incredibly convincing arguments against it.
[House GOP video: 1 in 5 people have to die because they went to socialized medicine.]
Black: I've got bad news for you: 5 out of 5 people are going to die anyway. Now, I know that's supposed to scare me, but all I heard was socialized medicine means less traffic. Now, back when Clinton tried to reform healthcare, I learned to reject it from commercials.
[Harry and Louise Ad]
Black: Who needs health care reform when you're so in love that you finish your partner's [gazes at Jon]
Stewart: What?
Black: Sentences! The word was sentences, dammit! It's like you don't even know me anymore! That's it...I'm staying at my sister's tonight!
Black: The problem is a personal one for Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell
[McWeasel video: I had a friend in Florida who had a friend in Canada that died because the government decided he was too old for a certain kind of procedure.]
Black: Your anti-health care anecdote is a friend of a friend? That's not even enough proof for an urban legend. I have a friend of friend who brought home a dog back from Mexico. Then he shaved it. It turns out, someone had stolen his kidney and replaced it with a polaroid of my toothbrush up Richard Gere's ass. Go figure! If you can't give me any evidence, then at least do the honorable thing and confuse me.
[1994 stylee flowchart video]
Black: I'm so glad I don't have insurance, because that road map seems like a huge pain in the ass, which by the way, I've been suffering from for over 15 years. Should your ass bleed when you sneeze? I just admitted I have a pre-existing condition! Gosh...I'm so tired of all this health care talk and I know I'm not the only one. Noonan?
[Peggy Noonan video: When I was a kid growing up, we never talked about health care. Why did America become obsessed with health care the past 20 years or so?]
Black: You're not fooling anyone, lady! You weren't a kid 20 years ago. When you were growing up, people didn't talk about health care because they thought that they got sick from witches! But you're right; when I was growing up, we didn't have ads about health care. We had ads like this.
[dancing cigarette video]
Black: That was my Spongebob. And he could have taught me to dance or smoke. Believe it or not, I chose dance."
Here's the link to it all:
Courtesy of Daily Kos 7/22/09 - Lewis Black Destroys GOP Talking Points on Health Care - Video and Transcript
A great Wednesday to all,
Cleo
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
"I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." From "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", W.B. Yeats
Go YANKEES!!!
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