Watching the Emmys the Mad Handsome Way

Fellow Byrneholics and those on their way to becoming one:

As Emmy night quickly approaches, I thought a checklist might be in order to help enhance our viewing experience and ensure we don?t miss a second of Mad Handsome air time. Let?s think like Girl Scouts and be prepared:

An hour before show time, turn off all ringing devices and make sure your voice mail is operable. Post a sign on your door notifying others you will be unavailable for the evening. Something like Gone Fishin or Trespassers will be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the Law should work. Don?t forget to call in sick on Monday no later than the previous Friday afternoon.

1. Make sure all husbands, boyfriends or significant others are properly out of your hair for the evening. A polite "Sweetie, would you mind forgetting that I exist for a few hours" should suffice, but in the event you encounter a stubborn straggler, a few Sominex mashed into their dinner potatoes should do the trick.

2. See that all domestic animals are self-sufficient for at least 12 hours. Food, water and wee-wee pads should be plentiful. For those of you with particularly smart pets, show them how to program the coffee maker. You'll have more time to sleep in the next morning and dream about the Mad Handsome one.

3. Make sure your DVR or TiVO is functioning properly, queued up and ready to roll. Think of all the hours of viewing pleasure you'll have watching Mad Handsome accept his Emmy over and over and over again. And, in the likely event you temporarily pass out as the camera zooms in on his luscious lips, twinkling eyes and magnificent nose, you'll never miss a minute of it. Remember, "Rewind means never having to say you?re sorry."

Happy Homemaker Hint #35: Water-based lipstick comes off a plasma TV screen easier than oil based.

4. Emmy Cocktails: Be as creative and festive as you'd like, just please drink responsibly. Should you start seeing two or more of Gabriel Byrne appear on screen, its not divine intervention or an Emmy miracle, its time to put down the martini glass.

5. Timing really is everything. Plan your bathroom trips accordingly. Start sipping your beverage at the beginning of a segment, not the end, so you can make a mad dash to the latrine during commercials breaks. Should your timing be off, or you get confused, see point #2 regarding wee-wee pads.

Enjoy the show and Vaya Con Dios!