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The Wizard of Oz with the characters of True Blood, the books and the series. Just for fun. Hope you enjoy.
The Wizard Of Odd
*Sookie stoops down to Dean -- speaks to him -- then runs down road -- Dean following*
SOOKIE: She isn't coming yet, Dean. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on, we'll go tell Charlaine Harris and Vampire Bill. Come on, Dean.
*Farm yard -- Sookie enters left along road -- Dean following her -- she comes forward thru gate -- runs forward to Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working at computer*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill! Vampire Bill!
*Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working with vampire profiles in computer -- Sookie runs in -- speaks to them -- Sookie picks up computer disk -- Vampire Bill and Sookie come forward -- Vampire Bill puts disk in computer -- then back to virus scan -- Charlaine Harris looks at her*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill!
VAMPIRE BILL: Fifty-seven, fifty-eight?
SOOKIE: Just listen to what Maryann did to Dean! She?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, please! We're trying to count! Fifty-eight
SOOKIE: Oh, but Vampire Bill, she hit him over the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Don't bother us now, honey, this old computer's gone bad, and we're likely to lose a lot of our data.
SOOKIE: Y- you went with Vista, huh? Oh, but Vampire Bill, Maryann hit Dean right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets in her garden and chases her nasty old pig every day.
VAMPIRE BILL: Seventy, Sookie, please!
SOOKIE: Oh, but he doesn't do it every day, just once or twice a week. And he can't catch her old pig, anyway. And now she says she's gonna get the One Who Comes, and?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, Sookie! We're busy!
SOOKIE: Oh, all right.
VAMPIRE BILL: *Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris taking disk out of computer * Poor little orphan, and her Maryann troubles. Gosh all hemlock, you know, she ought to have somebody to play with. You could write her a friend?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I could, but we all got to work out our own problems, Vampire Bill.
VAMPIRE BILL: Yes. I hope we got these vampire profiles in time.
*Andy, Jason and Eric working on plot device -- Eric and Andy lowering bed of plot device into place*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: How's she coming?
JASON STACKHOUSE: Take it easy. *Jason on ground, drinks a whole vial of v juice -- gets priapism* Ow! I got gout of the dick!
ERIC NORTHMAN: I could drain the blood for you. *fangy grin*
SOOKIE: Andy, what am I going to do about Maryann? Just because Dean chases her old pig...
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Listen, honey, I got them hogs to get in. C?mere pig!!!
JASON STACKHOUSE: Now lookit, Sookie, you ain't using your head about Maryann. Think you didn't have any brains at all.
SOOKIE: I have so got brains, but I get better tips if I act like I don?t have ?em.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, why don't you use them when you?re not working? When you come home, don't go by Maryann?s place. Then Dean won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
SOOKIE: Oh, Jason, you just won't listen, that's all.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Listen, Sookie, don't let Jason kid you about Maryann. She's just a poor sour-blooded old maid that, she ain't got no heart left. You know, you should have a little more heart yourself, and have pity on her.
SOOKIE: Well, gee, I try and have a heart.
*Andy driving pigs into pen, carrying a liquor bottle, takes swigs as punctuation -- Sookie enters in b.g. walks along railing of pen -- Andy pours feed into trough*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Say pig! *swig from bottle* Get in there before I make a dime bank out of you! Listen, kid, are you going to let that old Maryann heifer try and buffalo you? *pours feed in trough* She ain't nothing to be afraid of. *swig from bottle* Have a little courage, that's all.
SOOKIE: *walking along railing between pig pens* I'm not afraid of her.
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *picks up another bucket of feed -- pours it into trough* Then the next time she squawks, *swig from bottle* walk right up to her and spit in her eye. *swig from bottle* That's what I'd do!
SOOKIE: *on railing -- loses her balance -- falls into pig pen* Oh!
*Andy jumps into pen(swig from bottle) ?- takes Sookie 's foot out of wire(swig from bottle) -- then picks her up(swig from bottle) -- he carries her out of pen(swig from bottle) -- puts her down with Jason and Eric ? Andy jumps out of pen(swig from bottle) -- sits down (swig from bottle) -- wipes his brow (swig from bottle) *
SOOKIE: Oh! Oh, Andy! Help! Help me, Andy! Get me out of here! Help!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Are you all right, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes, I'm all right. Oh, I fell in and, and Andy
*Andy, Sookie, Jason and Eric all look at Andy -- they laugh ?- Charlaine Harris enters with plate of crullers -- they speak -- Jason and Eric each take cruller -- Charlaine Harris comes forward to Andy and Sookie -- he speaks to Andy -- Sookie and Charlaine Harris walk to b.g. -- Sookie takes cruller ? Charlaine Harris runs to b.g.*
SOOKIE: Why, Andy, you're just as scared as I am!
JASON STACKHOUSE: What's the matter, gonna let a little old pig make a coward out of you?
ERIC NORTHMAN: Look at you, Andy, you're just as white as I am?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Here, here, what's all this jabber-wapping when there's work to be done? I know three shiftless characters that'll be written out of the series before they know it!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Well, Sookie was walking along the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I saw you ogling that erection, Eric. Now, you and Jason get back to that plot device!
ERIC NORTHMAN: All right, Charlaine Harris. But some day they're going to erect a statue to me in this town, and?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Well, don't start posing for it now. Here, here, can't work on an empty stomach. Have some crullers.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Gosh, Charlaine Harris. Swell.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Just fried.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Thanks. *tosses cruller aside, waggles eyebrows at Jason, shows fang*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You see, *swig from bottle* Sookie toppled in with the big Duroc...
CHARLAINE HARRIS: It's no place for Sookie about a pig sty! Now you go feed those hogs before they worry themselves into anemia!
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yes'am. Pig!!! *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Charlaine Harris, really, you know what Maryann said she was gonna do to Dean? She said she was gonna?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, Sookie, dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret over nothing. Maryann shouldn?t have a problem with Dean, he and Callisto got along just fine.
SOOKIE: No?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, you just help us out today, and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble.
SOOKIE: Some place where there isn't any trouble. *mumbles aside* Well, it won?t be in any of YOUR books.
*Sookie tosses Dean a piece of the cruller -? Dean eats it -- Sookie speaks as she walks forward -- she sings -? leans against haystack -- then walks over near rake*
SOOKIE: Do you suppose there is such a place, Dean? There must be. It's not a place you can get written by a creative writer. It's far, far too drab, maybe a technical writer, or an academic?
SOOKIE: *sings to ?Over the Rainbow?*
Someone painless and gentle, calm and wise
There's an author I heard of, once who wrote lullabies.
Someone tedious and tiresome, boring too
Will write a world that I?ll live in, skin not black and blue?
...Someday I'll work inside a bar
Where no one bad will ever come to find me.
Where vengeful weres remain chagrinned
And evil faeries can?t come in to stab or bind me.
Someone writing a world where I can lie
In the sun unmolested eating shoofly pie
Heroines live without bruises
Why then? oh, why can't I?
If happy characters can have
A pain free life then
Why, oh, why can't I?
*Maryann rides along country road on bicycle -- Maryann rides forward to front of Stackhouse's home -- stops and gets off her bicycle as Charlaine Harris comes forward*
MARYANN FORRESTER: Charlaine Harris!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Howdy, Maryann.
MARYANN: I want to see you and your characters right away... about Sookie. What is she?
*Charlaine Harris and Maryann at gate -- they speak ? Charlaine Harris lets go of the gate -- it hits Maryann -- she reacts -- exits left -- Charlaine Harris puts paint brush down -- starts out left*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Sookie? She?s a waitress. Well, what has Sookie done?
MARYANN: What's she done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg! And what IS she?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: You mean she bit you? And I said, she?s a waitress.
MARYANN: No, her dog! And her vampire, too I might add.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Oh, she bit her dog and her vampire, eh?
MARYANN: NO! *Int. Stackhouse Sitting room* That dog's a menace to the community. I'm taking him to the One Who Comes and make sure he's destroyed.
SOOKIE: Destroyed? Dean? Oh, you can't! You mustn't! Vampire Bill! Charlaine Harris! You won't let her, will you?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Of course we won't. Will we, Bill?
SOOKIE: Please, Vampire Bill, Dean didn't mean to. He didn't know he was doing anything wrong. I'm the one that ought to be punished. I let him go in her garden. You can send me to bed without supper?
MARYANN: If you don't hand over that dog, I'll bring a damage suit that'll take your whole farm! There's a law protecting folks against dogs that bite!
VAMPIRE BILL: How would it be if she keeps him tied up? He's really gentle, with gentle people, that is.
MARYANN: Well, that's for the One Who Comes to decide. Here's his order allowing me to take him. Unless you want to go against an ancient God.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Uh, no
VAMPIRE BILL: Now, we can't go against an ancient god, Sookie. I'm afraid poor Dean will have to go.
MARYANN: Now you're seeing reason.
SOOKIE: No?
MARYANN: *showing small basket* Here's what I'm taking him in, so he can't attack me again.
SOOKIE: Oh, no, no! I won't let you take him! You go away, you...! Ooh, I'll bite you myself!
VAMPIRE BILL: *aghast * Sookie!
SOOKIE: You wicked old witch! Charlaine Harris, Vampire Bill, don't let 'em take Dean! Don't let her take him, please!
MARYANN: Here! I've got an order! Let me have...
SOOKIE: Stop her!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Put him in the basket, Bill.
MARYANN: The idea!
SOOKIE: Oh, don't, Charlaine Harris. Oh, Dean! Don't?
*Sookie crying -- looks to Vampire Bill -- then to Charlaine Harris then turns and runs out of the room *
*Maryann riding bicycle to left -- Dean sticks his head out of basket -- looks about -? then jumps out -- Dean jumps to ground -- he runs down road -- Maryann riding forward down dirt road on her bicycle -- she exits*
*Int. Sookie's room -- Sookie sitting on floor by bed -- crying -- Dean jumps in thru window and onto bed -- Sookie hugs him -- reacts -- speaks to him -- then takes suitcase from under bed-- starts packing it -- Dean barks*
SOOKIE: Dean, darling! Oh, I got you back! You came back! Oh, I'm so glad! Dean! Oh, they'll be coming back for you in a minute. We've got to get away! We've got to run away, quick!
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Posts:
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Posts:
2,751
Registered:
11/3/05
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(28 of 29)
Sep 27, 2009 8:01 AM
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> I agree. It's brilliant!!
> I don't understand why everybody isn't here ROFLTAO!
>
> Edited by Marionj2 at 09/22/2009 4:50 PM PDT
Right there with you Marion. I thought it was great!
"...the legion of secret drunkers"
"...a heart is not judged by how much you love, but how much flair you wear"
Ahahahaha!!
Some great lines, Insy and Titus! I shouldn't be surprised though. You guys always were some of the funniest people on the Rome boards, where you were appreciated.
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Posts:
2,751
Registered:
11/3/05
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(27 of 29)
Sep 27, 2009 7:54 AM
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> It could be worse.... at least Insy didn't include
> this song:
>
> "Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad"
> (to tune of "Follow The Yellow Brick Road"
>
 Good to see you're still crazy as ever, BillCompton!
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Posts:
2,751
Registered:
11/3/05
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(26 of 29)
Sep 27, 2009 7:53 AM
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>> FookieSlackhose:
>> NOPE,NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT WITH THIS THREAD; IT'S A DOWNER!!!!!!!!!
> Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
> Thank you for your attention.
This is true, Insy. But shit! At least give you some praise for all the time and creativity that went into it!!
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Posts:
1,642
Registered:
1/12/06
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(25 of 29)
Sep 24, 2009 7:43 AM
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> It could be worse.... at least Insy didn't include
> this song:
>
> "Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad"
> (to tune of "Follow The Yellow Brick Road"
>
> Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad
> Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad
> Follow follow follow follow follow
> The trail o' Prick Choad.
>
> Follow the man spam over the hill
> Follow the arc of the man batter spill!
>
> You're off to see the Wizard
> The randy old Wizard of Ahhs.
> You'll find he is a Wiz with his jizz,
> If ever he's flogged 'is rod.
>
> If ever oh ever a Wiz there was
> He's spackled this road with choad because
> Because, because, because, because, because,
> Because we have very lax decency laws!
>
> You're off to see the Wizard,
> The randy old wizard of Ahhs!
>
> *legs it*
"arc of the man batter spill"? .....Wonder if Dexter does man batter spatter analysis.....
*stalking the Wizard of Ahhs*
...............................................
I am resolved to renounce embarrassment in favor of enjoyment -- and a certain elevation of the spirits which is occasioned by witnessing the human body liberated from its earthly shackles.
Raptus regaliter
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Posts:
68
Registered:
10/31/08
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(24 of 29)
Sep 23, 2009 11:47 PM
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It could be worse.... at least Insy didn't include this song:
"Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad"
(to tune of "Follow The Yellow Brick Road"
Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad
Follow the Trail o' Prick Choad
Follow follow follow follow follow
The trail o' Prick Choad.
Follow the man spam over the hill
Follow the arc of the man batter spill!
You're off to see the Wizard
The randy old Wizard of Ahhs.
You'll find he is a Wiz with his jizz,
If ever he's flogged 'is rod.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was
He's spackled this road with choad because
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because we have very lax decency laws!
You're off to see the Wizard,
The randy old wizard of Ahhs!
*legs it*
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Posts:
289
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10/27/05
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(23 of 29)
Sep 23, 2009 8:26 PM
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Thank you for all the kind words. I had a ball doing this. I'm glad some of you enjoyed it.
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Posts:
67
Registered:
9/18/09
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(22 of 29)
Sep 23, 2009 8:19 PM
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This is pretty funny, but I believe you're missing one very important thing.
I believe its pronounced Suuuukehhh!!!
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Posts:
289
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10/27/05
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(21 of 29)
Sep 23, 2009 8:16 PM
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> FookieSlackhose:
>
> NOPE,NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT WITH THIS THREAD;
> IT'S A DOWNER!!!!!!!!!  
Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Thank you for your attention.
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Posts:
1,642
Registered:
1/12/06
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(20 of 29)
Sep 23, 2009 9:21 AM
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> FookieSlackhose:
>
> NOPE,NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT WITH THIS THREAD;
> IT'S A DOWNER!!!!!!!!!
Awww... There, there.....
It's only a dream. Just a few clicks of the heels and it's all over.
.................................
I am resolved to renounce embarrassment in favor of enjoyment -- and a certain elevation of the spirits which is occasioned by witnessing the human body liberated from its earthly shackles.
Raptus regaliter
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Posts:
10,816
Registered:
11/17/03
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(19 of 29)
Sep 22, 2009 7:43 PM
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> InsolentWretch!!!
>
> Sheer brilliance; sheer mastery; sheer magic! And
> very, very funny!
>
> Are the rest of the people wot tread the True Blood
> boards not impressed? I can't understand why you
> don't have plaudits coming out of your *cough*
> ears?!
>
> Well CONGRATULATIONS from lil' ol' me for your
> wonderful and entertaining piece. All half dozen of
> them! BRILLIANT!!!
>
> *Raptuous applause*
>
> *Standing ovation*
I agree. It's brilliant!!
I don't understand why everybody isn't here ROFLTAO!
--
Edited by Marionj2 at 09/22/2009 4:50 PM PDT
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Posts:
66
Registered:
11/1/08
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(18 of 29)
Sep 22, 2009 4:05 PM
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> FookieSlackhose:
>
> NOPE,NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT WITH THIS THREAD;
> IT'S A DOWNER!!!!!!!!!
Oh dear. Well I think it's great! Spectacularly great actually.
*Respects individual taste and remembers that even Van Gogh's paintings weren't liked at first*
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Posts:
29,429
Registered:
12/9/02
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(17 of 29)
Sep 22, 2009 3:56 PM
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FookieSlackhose:
NOPE,NOT IMPRESSED ONE BIT WITH THIS THREAD;
IT'S A DOWNER!!!!!!!!!
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Posts:
66
Registered:
11/1/08
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(16 of 29)
Sep 22, 2009 3:19 PM
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InsolentWretch!!!
Sheer brilliance; sheer mastery; sheer magic! And very, very funny!
Are the rest of the people wot tread the True Blood boards not impressed? I can't understand why you don't have plaudits coming out of your *cough* ears?!
Well CONGRATULATIONS from lil' ol' me for your wonderful and entertaining piece. All half dozen of them! BRILLIANT!!!
*Raptuous applause*
*Standing ovation*
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(15 of 29)
Sep 18, 2009 8:37 PM
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*Weird trees of the Haunted Forest*
HAUNTED FOREST
BITCH?S CASTLE
1 MILE
I'D TURN
BACK IF I
WERE YOU!
*Sookie, Jason, Eric and Andy walking thru forest ? they walk forward -- they stop -- look at the sign post -- they look at sign ? Andy reads -- nods -- turns -- Eric and Jason stop him ? the others shake their head -- they walk forward again -- Andy growling -- they react to noise*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: "I'd turn back if I were you." *growls, swig from bottle*
*Two owls on limb of tree ? Sookie, Jason, Andy and Eric react -- Andy runs -- Jason and Eric catch him -- carry him forward -- he cries -- Two crows on limb of tree -- Sookie and group - they speak - Andy hands spray to Sookie - Jason takes the spray - throws it*
ERIC: From now on, we're on enemy ground. You should have something to protect yourself with.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: She *swig from bottle* she can have my Bitch Remover.
SOOKIE: Does it work?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: No, but it's wonderful for threatening with. *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Oh
JASON: Oh, here? give me that thing! *Spray hits the ground - then vanishes -- Sookie and Group react - speak - net flies out of Andy?s hand ? all react* Oh, did? did you see that?
ERIC: Oh? look out.
JASON: You know something? I believe they're spooks around here.
ERIC: That's ridiculous! Spooks? that's silly.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Don't you believe in spooks? *swig from bottle*
ERIC: *rises up out of scene -- others react* No. Why only? Oh
SOOKIE: Oh! Oh, Eric! Oh! *Sookie, Andy and Jason watching Eric -- he falls to ground -- Sookie and Jason run forward -- help him up* Oh? Oh
JASON: Oh? are you? are you all right?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *eyes closed tight -- swig from bottle -- speaks* I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks. I do -- I do -- I do -- I do ? I do -- I....
*Image of Andy in Crystal ? Maenad Bitch and Black Eyed Bon Tempsians looking into crystal -- Image of Andy fades out Maenad Bitch runs around -- goes to Black Eyed Bon Tempsians -- she speaks to them -- Black Eyed Bon Tempsians (who can now magically fly) fly out -- others flying thru*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: ...do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks! I do -- I do -- I do -- I do ? I do -- I do!
MAENAD: *laughs* You'll believe in more than that before I've finished with you. Take your army to the Haunted Forest, and bring me that girl and her dog! Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed! They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that. Take special care of those shifter slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!
*The army of Black Eyed Bon Tempsians flying over Haunted Forest -- Sookie and Group react ? run -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians fly down into forest -- they fly down near Sookie and group running -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians land -- run out at right -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians capture the group -- Sookie runs out right -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians run after Sookie -- Sookie runs forward -- two Black Eyed Bon Tempsians after her -- Eric swings axe at the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians*
ERIC: Go away now!
JASON: *Black Eyed Bon Tempsians tromping on Jason* Help! Help!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *in center of group of Bon Tempsians -- swig from bottle -- he doubles his fists ?- speaks ? Black Eyed Terry Bellefleur in tree hits him over the head with axe -? Andy drops his bottle -? he scrambles to pick it up* Why, I'll? Foul! Foul!
*Two Black Eyed Bon Tempsians running with Sookie -- they swoop up into the air ? exit -- Dean runs forward -- looks up ? barks -- Two Black Eyed Bon Tempsians carry Sookie -- Flying to right over haunted forest -- Dean barks ? Black Eyed Mike Spencer picks him up -- he flies out with Dean -- Army of Black Eyed Bon Tempsians flying to right over the Haunted Forest -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians tearing Jason apart -- Jason yells --the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians exit right -- Eric and Andy enter - Andy and Eric try to put Jason together*
JASON: Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
ERIC: Oh! Well, what happened to you?
JASON: They tore my legs off, and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out, and they threw it over there!
ERIC: Well, that's you all over.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: They sure knocked the stuffings out of you, didn't they?
JASON: Don't stand there talking! Put me together! We've got to find Sookie!
ERIC: Now, let's see? this goes? Oh, I wish I were better at puzzles.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Wait a minute. This is the left one. He walks bad enough already.
ERIC: Oh, poor Sookie. We may never see her again.
JASON: Who do you suppose they were? And where did they take her? A fine thing? to go to pieces at a time like this!
ERIC: Now, now, don't fret.
JASON: Oh, dear, dear.
ERIC: We'll get you together!
*Dean in Maenad Bitch's lap -- Bitch rises ? Karl and Eggs standing at right -- Bitch puts Dean in basket -- Sookie crying -- Bitch turns to Sookie -- speaks to her ? Karl and Eggs carry Dean -- Sookie goes over to Karl and Eggs*
MAENAD: What a nice little dog! And you, my dear whatever you are. What an unexpected pleasure! It's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness.
SOOKIE: *reacts -- turns -- speaks to Maenad Bitch -- Bitch crosses to Karl and Eggs -- speaks to them* What are you going to do with my dog? Give him back to me!
MAENAD: All in good time, my little pretty something or other? all in good time.
SOOKIE: Oh, please give me back my dog!
MAENAD: Certainly? certainly? when you give me those shifter slippers.
SOOKIE: But the Good Bitch of the North told me not to.
MAENAD: Very well! Throw that basket in the river and drown him!
SOOKIE: *crying -- speaks to Maenad Bitch -- then steps up on step* No! No? no! Here? you can have your old slippers? but give me back Dean.
MAENAD: *Bitch looks down at slippers on Sookie?s feet* That's a good little girl. I knew you'd see reason.
*Slippers on Sookie's feet -- the hands of the Maenad Bitch reach in -- begin to tremble -- Maenad Bitch jumps back -- Sookie reacts -? Maenad Bitch looks at her hands*
MAENAD: Ah! Ah! What ARE you?!?!
SOOKIE: I'm sorry. I didn't do it! Can I still have my dog?
MAENAD: No! Fool, that I am! I should have remembered? those shifter slippers will never come off, as long as you're alive.
SOOKIE: What are you gonna do?
MAENAD: What do you think I'm going to do? But that's not what's worrying me? it's how to do it. These things must be done delicate or you hurt the spell.
* Dean sticks his head out of basket -- Karl and Eggs standing by table -? Dean jumps out of basket -- runs out door. -- Sookie speaks to Dean ? Bitch turns on Karl and Eggs -- they run out*
SOOKIE: Run, Dean, run!
MAENAD: Catch him, you fool!
*Dean running forward down steps -- Karl and Eggs after him -- Sookie at window -- looking down -- Bitch comes forward to her -- Dean runs forward over drawbridge as bridge starts up -- Dean on edge of drawbridge -- looks down -- Dean on edge of drawbridge -- Guards run forward -- carrying spears-- Dean jumps -- Guards yell -- Dean jumps down among rocks*
SOOKIE: Run, Dean, run! *Guards throwing spears -- all yelling -- Dean running -- spears fall around him -- Dean runs up among rocks* Run, Dean, run! *crying* He got away! He got away!
MAENAD: *Bitch hurries to b.g.* Oh! Which is more than you will! Drat you and your dog! You've been more trouble to me than you're worth, one way or another, but it'll soon be over now! *picks up huge hour glass -- turns it over ? speaks* Do you see that? That's how much longer you've got to be alive! And it isn't long, my pretty! It isn't long! *Sookie crying -- Bitch looks -- speaks -- she runs to b.g.* I can't wait forever to get those shoes!
*Sookie crying -- Sookie looks at hour glass -- Dean jumps down rocky edge of mountains - Dean barks -- Dean runs forward -- barks - exits left -- Ext. Haunted Forest -- the Andy and Eric put Jason back together -- they speak -- then react, look off to right as they hear Dean barking*
ERIC: There. Now, that's the best we can do without any pins.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yeah *swig from bottle*
JASON: Oh, don't worry about me. I'm all right. We must worry about Sookie.
ERIC: But how can we find her? We don't even know where she is. *Dean comes running forward through forest* Look! There's Dean! Where'd he come from?
JASON: *Dean barks at the three* Why, don't you see? He's come to take us to Sookie! *Eric, Jason and Andy react, rise -- Dean barks, leads them as they run down trail* Come on, fellows!
*Int. Tower Room -- Close on the hour glass on the table -- Sookie standing by the table as she watches the sand run through the glass -- she looks about desperately*
*Eric, Jason and Andy making their way over rocky hillside -- Dean barks as he waits for them*
*Dean makes his way over top of the rocks -- barks -- exits out to right*
*In. Tower Room -- The Hour Glass - more sand in the bottom -- Sookie watching the hour glass - she runs to the door, tries it - then runs to another door ? finds that locked, also -- she sits, sobbing, by the crystal of the Bitch*
*Dean makes his way over the top of the rocks and exits out to right?Andy?s head appears, followed by that of Eric and Jason -- Andy points, speaks*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: What's that? *swig from bottle* What's that?
*Eric, Andy and Jason peering over the rocks, they speak -- Andy reacts as he watches*
JASON: That's the castle of the Maenad Bitch! Sookie's in that awful place!
ERIC: Oh, I hate to think of her in there. We've got to get her out. *spies vision of Godric, cries*
JASON: Don't cry now. Did you get shot again?!?! We haven't got Sookie with us so you can suck your own bullets out.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Who's them? *swig from bottle* Who's them?
*The Bitch's Black Eyed Bon Tempsians marching about in the Castle Courtyard -- Eric, Andy and Jason peering over the rocks -- they speak -- Andy tries to turn back, but others grab him, push him forward*
JASON: I've got a plan how to get in there.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Fine. *swig from bottle* He's got a plan
JASON: And you're going to lead us.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yeah. *swig from bottle* Me?
JASON: Yes, you.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I? I? I? I? gotta get her outta there?
JASON: That's right.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: All right, I'll go in there for Sookie *swig from bottle* Maenad Bitch or no Maenad Bitch? black eyed freaks or no black eyed freaks *swig from bottle* I'll tear 'em apart. *growls* I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
JASON AND ERIC: What's that?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Talk me out of it. *swig from bottle*
ERIC: No, you don't.
JASON: Oh, no!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: No? Now, wait a minute.
ERIC: You don't neither
JASON: Up!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *swig from bottle* Now
*Int. Tower Room -- Sookie sobbing against the Bitch's throne ? she cries out -? Vampire Bill?s image appears in the crystal as he calls for Sookie -- Sookie reacts, looks into the crystal*
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie? Sookie? where are you? It's me? its Vampire Bill. We're trying to find you. Where are you?
SOOKIE: I'm frightened, I'm frightened, Vampire Bill? I'm frightened! I? I'm here in Odd, Vampire Bill. I'm locked up in the Maenad Bitch's castle? and I'm trying to get home to you, Vampire Bill! Oh, Vampire Bill, don't go away! I'm frightened! Come back! Come back! *Vampire Bill fades out and the Bitch fades in -- she mocks Sookie -- Sookie draws away from the crystal ? sobs*
MAENAD: Vampire Bill? Vampire Bill? come back! I'll give you Vampire Bill, my pretty UFB! That?s Unidentified F*cking Bitch! *laughs*
*Dean, Jason and Eric and Andy moving along among the rocks -- they stop -- Dean barks -- Jason quiets Dean -- three Winkie Guards appear over the rocks -- they start forward toward the three, who are whispering together*
JASON: Sssh? Dean? be quiet
*Jason, Andy and Eric whispering together -- Andy looks around, (swig from bottle) sees the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians in back of them -- Andy tries to speak -(swig from bottle) - but is speechless with fright -- the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians jump forward, seize the three and they disappear behind the rocks -- legs and arms seen as they fight*
*Int. Tower Room -- Sookie trying to open one of the doors*
JASON: *Eric, Jason and Andy enter up from behind the rocks ? all are dressed in Black Eyed Bon Tempsian Guard uniforms* Whew! That wasn't my plan? but something happened, didn't it?
ERIC: You put up a great fight, Andy.
JASON: Yeah *bumps fists with Andy*
ERIC: I don't know what we'd have done without you.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Hah. You? you must have bitten me a couple of times. *swig from bottle* That was an accident, right?
*Black Eyed Bon Tempsian Guards marching about in the Castle courtyard -- Andy, Eric and Jason watching from the rocks -- they speak -- come forward behind the rocks*
JASON: Come on? I've got another idea.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Do? do you think it'll be polite dropping in like this? *swig from bottle*
ERIC: Come on? come on.
*The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians marching into the castle -- the Eric, Andy and Jason join the end of the line, Andy in the rear -- as they march toward the castle, Andy has trouble keeping his bottle under the uniform-- they enter the castle, Dean following ? the drawbridge is pulled up*
*Int. Entrance Hall of Castle - camera shooting down from high set-up as the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians march into the hall - Jason, the Eric, and Andy, at the end of the file*
*Int. Tower Room - Sookie seated on steps near the crystal ? she sobs*
*Int. Hallway -- Andy, Jason and Eric duck back into a recess in the wall -- the rest of the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians continue on to exit*
ERIC: Where do we go now?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yeah. *swig from bottle*
*Dean barking on steps -- he turns, starts up them -- Andy, Eric and Jason -- Jason points, speaks ? he exits*
JASON: There!
*Dean runs up the stairs from the hall as Andy, Jason and Eric run forward and start up the stairs after Dean -- Upper Hallway -- Dean runs in from left -- he runs to door and starts to scratch at it -- the three rescuers enter*
JASON: Wait! We'd better make sure. Sookie, are you in there?
*Int. Tower Room -- Sookie standing by window -- she reacts to hearing Andy -- she runs to the door?yells*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: It's us!
SOOKIE: Yes, it's me! She's locked me in! Oh, I knew you'd get here in time!
*Int. Hallway -- Andy speaks to Jason and Eric as they move excitedly about*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Listen, fellows. It's her. *swig from bottle* We gotta get her out! Open this door!
*Int. Tower Room - Sookie standing by door - she reacts as she hears the three outside the door*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Open the door! Open the door! *The three outside the door push about madly - then stop their efforts at the door as the Jason and Eric bawl out Andy ? he pouts* Open the door! *swig from bottle* Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
ERIC: Don't push!
JASON: Stop pushing!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh? I was only trying to help. *swig from bottle* Ohhh!
*Int. Tower Room -- Sookie at door -- she pleads to the three on the outside -- looks to hour glass*
SOOKIE: Oh, hurry? please hurry! *Hour Glass -- very little sand left in the top* The hour glass is almost empty!
ERIC: Stand back!
*Int. Hallway - Andy, Eric and Jason remove their Black Eyed Bon Tempsian outfits - Eric starts to chop in the door -- Int. Room -- Sookie steps back from the door as it is chopped in -- Int. Hallway -- Eric chopping the door down -- Int. Room -- Sookie anxiously watching -- she looks at the hour glass ?- Hour glass -- not much sand remaining -- Int. Hallway - Jason and Andy watch as Eric breaks the door in -- Int. Room -- Sookie reacts, rushes to left -- Int. Hallway -- Sookie rushes out the door of room -- greets Eric, Andy, Jason and Dean -- rush out to left*
SOOKIE: Oh? Oh? Oh! Dean? Dean!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Did they hurtcha? *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Andy, darling? I knew you'd come!
ERIC: Sookie!
SOOKIE: I knew you would!
JASON: Hurry? we've got no time to lose!
*Int. Entrance Hall -- Sookie, Andy, Eric, and Jason enter at top of stairs ?- they run down the stairs -- they rush toward the entrance, but the huge doors swing shut in front of them -- The Four hammer at the door -- then react, turn and look up to right as the Bitch speaks*
MAENAD: Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. *Bitch, Karl and Eggs looking down from the top of stairs* Why, my little party's just beginning!
*Bitch, Karl and Eggs at top of stairs -- she laughs -- Black Eyed Bon Tempsians rushing into the entrance hall -- Jason, Eric, Sookie and Andy huddled by door*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Trapped! Trapped like mice *swig from bottle* er? pigs!
*The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians advancing -- The Four huddled by door - Eric speaks to Andy, who tries to roar*
ERIC: Go ahead? do something! Roar! Roar!
*The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians Guards advance with a menacing roar -- The Four huddled against door - Andy reacts, speaks*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: What good'll it do us?
*Black Eyed Bon Tempsians advancing to the four huddled against the door -- the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians roar -- Bitch, Karl and Eggs looking down from the top of stairs -- she yells down to Black Eyed Bon Tempsians*
MAENAD: That's right. Don't hurt them right away. We'll let them think about it a little, first!
*Sookie backed against the door - Dean in her arms - tears flowing down her cheeks -- The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians growl as they shove out their spears -- Dean in Sookie?s arms -- he growls at the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians -- Jason looks up*
MAENAD: How does it feel my little visitor? *Jason looking about up at candelabra -- he steps over to where the rope is fastened to the wall* Can you imagine what I'm going to do to you? *The Bitch picks up the hour glass -- hurls it down as she laughs -- the hour glass crashes to the floor below -- bursts into a cloud of flame and smoke*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Here we go, boys!
*Jason seizes Eric?s axe and chops the candelabra rope with it -- huge chandelier crashes down on the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians below -- The Bitch screams down to her Black Eyed Bon Tempsians -- the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians struggle under the candelabra -- Jason, Andy, Eric and Sookie run out of hall*
MAENAD: Seize them! Stop them, you fools! *The Bitch rushes forward down the stairs -- yells at her Black Eyed Bon Tempsians -- she leads the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians out of the hall* They've gotten away! Stop them! Stop them!
*Int. Corridor -- as the Bitch and Black Eyed Bon Tempsians leave, Sookie and her friends peer out from behind a recess, then run back into the hall as they exit left -- The four rush back into the hall -? they look about - Jason speaks*
JASON: It's no use trying the doors again! Which room is it?
*The Black Eyed Bon Tempsians running back through the corridor - Sookie, Jason, Andy, Eric react as they hear the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians approaching - they start up the stairs*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *swig from bottle* They're coming back!
JASON: Oh? upstairs, quickly!
ERIC: Go on!
MAENAD: *The Bitch comes running back into the hall -- her Black Eyed Bon Tempsians right behind her -- she gives them orders -- the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians separate* There they go! Ah? now we've got them! Half you go that way? half you go that way!
*Andy, Eric and Jason just disappearing at the top of stairs*
MAENAD: Hurry! Hurry! Go! *The Bitch hits her Black Eyed Bon Tempsians with her broomstick in an effort to speed them up - they rush up the stairs* Go! Go!
*Ext. Battlements -- Jason, Sookie, Andy and Eric run down the steps from the tower -- they run along the battlement to exit left -- The Foursome running forward along battlement -- they stop -- yell -- they run along toward second tower --they stop, Sookie screams*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Where? where do we go now?
JASON: This way! Come on!
*A Group of Black Eyed Bon Tempsians coming out of the tower at the head of steps -- they roar menacingly -- Jason, Eric, Andy and Sookie run along battlement -- The other group of Black Eyed Bon Tempsians appears in the other tower -- they mumble-- charge forward -- One Group of Black Eyed Bon Tempsians charges down the steps as we see the other group come forward along the battlement -- In. Hall -- Jason, Sookie, Eric and Andy rush down the hall -- are confronted by Black Eyed Bon Tempsians -- Sookie screams ? more Black Eyed Bon Tempsians rush in from left, trapping the four -- Sookie screams -- they turn, run back -- In. Tower -- The Four run to left as Black Eyed Bon Tempsians pour in from right -- to other Black Eyed Bon Tempsians enter from left -- Sookie screams as they are captured -- they back up against the table ?- Black Eyed Bon Tempsians surround them -- The Bitch enters in b.g. -- comes forward to her Black Eyed Bon Tempsians in f.g. -- she comes up to Jason, Sookie and the Eric -- she speaks to them*
MAENAD: Well? ring around the rosy? a pocket full of spears! Thought you'd be pretty foxy, didn't you? Well, I'm going to start in on you right here? one after the other!
*Sookie, Jason and Andy hiding behind Eric -- all tremble with fear*
MAENAD: And the last to go will see the first three go before her! And your mangy little dog, too! *Bitch smiles as she looks up -- she holds her broom up to the torch on wall -- The Four react with fear -- The broomstick catches fire -- the Bitch lowers it* How about a little fire, Jason?
*Andy, Eric, Sookie and Jason -- all react as the broom is thrust into the scene and catches the Jason?s arm on fire ? he shouts*
JASON: No? No? No? No!
SOOKIE: *screams* Oh! OH! OH! *picks up a bucket, throws the water on Jason*
JASON: Help! I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning! Help! Help! Help!
*Sookie throwing water at Jason -- some of it hits the Bitch in the face -- Eric standing at left with Andy watch as Dean becomes a Brahma bull and stabs the Maenad bitch in the chest -- The Bitch screams as the water and Dean?s horn hit her -- Eric, Andy, Sookie and Jason look at her -- they watch the Bitch as she screams and melts away -? the Bitch curses as she disappears, finally only her cloak and hat remain hanging on Dean?s horn -- her voice fades away*
MAENAD: Ohhh? you cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh? what a world? what a world! Who would have thought a good little whatever you are like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!? Oh! Look out! Look out! I'm going. Ohhhh! Ohhhhhh?
*Andy, Eric, Sookie and Jason looking down amazed ? Dean returns to dog form -- Bitch's cloak and hat smoldering on the floor ?- Dean enters from left and sniffs at them, Karl and Eggs enter, Karl growls*
*Terry Bellefleur speaks to the Four -- other Black Eyed Bon Tempsians in b.g. eyes returning to normal*
TERRY BELLEFLEUR: She's....she's....dead! You've killed her!
SOOKIE: I? I didn't mean to kill her? really I didn't! It's? it's just that he was on fire!
*The Four standing in front of the Bewildered Bon Tempsians -- Terry Bellefleur turns to the others and speaks -- the Bewildered Bon Tempsians kneel as they hail Sookie*
TERRY BELLEFLEUR: Hail to Sookie! The Maenad Bitch is dead!
BEWILDERED BON TEMPSIANS: Hail! Hail to Sookie? The Maenad Bitch is dead!
SOOKIE: You mean, you're? you're all happy about it?
*Terry Bellefleur raises up his head - speaks to Sookie - other Bewildered Bon Tempsians in back of him*
TERRY BELLEFLEUR: Very happy? now she won't be able to hit us with a broom anymore!
SOOKIE: The broom! May we have it?
*Terry Bellefleur gives the broom to Sookie as Jason, Andy and Eric react with joy -- Sookie speaks to them-- the Bewildered Bon Tempsians speak -- they sing - Sookie and her friends dance about, then exit out*
TERRY BELLEFLEUR: Please! And take it with you!
SOOKIE: Oh? thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard and tell him the Wicked Witch is dead!
TERRY BELLEFLEUR: The Maenad Bitch is dead!
ALL
*sing*
The Maenad Bitch is dead! The Maenad Bitch is dead!
Hail? Hail? the Bitch is dead.
Which old Bitch? the Maenad Bitch.
Hail? Hail? the Maenad Bitch is dead.
Hail? Hail? the Bitch is dead
Which old Bitch? ?the Maenad Bitch?
*In HBO - Streets are thronged with people - the procession enters, led by a band*
ALL
*sing*
Hail - hail - the Maenad Bitch is dead!
Ding Dong! The Bitch is dead.
Which old Bitch?
The Maenad Bitch!
Ding Dong! The Maenad Bitch is dead!
*The Procession comes forward through the crowded streets - surrounded by flower girls are Sookie, Eric, Andy and Jason - Jason is carrying the Bitch's broomstick*
ALL
*sing*
Wake up, you sleepy head
Rub your eyes
Get out of bed
Wake up, the Maenad Bitch is dead!
*Eric, Andy, Sookie and Jason come forward through the singing crowds - they wave, smile, etc...*
ALL
*sing*
She's gone where the Goblins go
Below -- below -- below!
Yo ho, let's open....
*The Procession passes girls lined up in front of the palace -? the four pass along in front of them at left -- all wave greetings*
ALL
*sing*
...up and sing
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong! The merry-oh
Sing it high
Sing it....
*Full shot of the area in front of Palace -- the Procession files around in it to the right*
ALL
*sing*
...low.
Let them know
The Maenad Bitch is dead!
Ding Dong! The Bitch is dead.
Which old bitch?
The Maenad Bitch
Ding Dong! The Maenad Bitch is dead!
*Procession marches toward the palace -- Eric, Sookie, Jason and Andy enter through the palace gates*
ALL
*sing*
Wake up, you sleepy head.
Rub your eyes -
Get out of bed.
Wake up, the Maenad Bitch is dead.
She's gone where the Goblins go -
Below - below - below.
No ho, let's open up and sing
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong! The merry-oh
Sing it high?
*Int. Throne room -- Odd's voice booms out -- Jason, Sookie, Andy and Eric standing in front of throne*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?
*The Four trembling with fear -- Sookie comes forward with the broomstick and places it on the steps to throne*
SOOKIE: Please, sir. We've done what you told us. We've brought you the broomstick of the Maenad Bitch of the West. We punctured and melted her.
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Oh you liquidated her, eh? Very resourceful!
SOOKIE: *Sookie smiling, with Eric, Andy and Jason in back of her also looking pleased -- she speaks -- they react as Lafayette speaks* Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us, if you please, sir.
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Not so fast! Not so fast! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow!
SOOKIE: *Sookie, with her three friends behind her -- she reacts, speaks -- Eric and the Andy put in a word for her* Tomorrow? Oh, but I want to go home now.
ERIC: You've had plenty of time already!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *swig from bottle* Yeah!
LAFAYETTE?S VOICE: Do not arouse the wrath of the Great and Powerful Odd! *Dean at Sookie's feet -- he runs to a curtain that hangs near the throne steps* I said? come back tomorrow!
SOOKIE: *Sookie speaks as she looks to right ?- the curtain where Dean ran in the b.g. ? it shakes as Dean starts to pull it back* If you were really great and powerful, you'd keep your promises!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Do you presume to criticize the Great Odd? You ungrateful creatures!
*Dean pulls back the curtain to reveal Alan Ball at the controls of the throne apparatus -- his back to the camera -- The Four react with fear -- Jason looks to right ? points for Sookie*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Think yourselves lucky that I'm? *Alan Ball at the controls of the throne apparatus -- the Four react as they see him after Sookie calls their attention to him* giving you audience tomorrow, instead of? *Alan Ball at the controls -- his back to camera -- he speaks into the microphone -- he turns, looks to see that the curtain is gone -- reacts and turns back to the controls* ...twenty years from now. Oh? oh oh! The Great Odd has spoken! Oh? Oh *Alan Ball pulls back the curtain* Oh? Oh? *Alan Ball peers out from behind the curtain -- Eric, Andy, Sookie and Jason react as they look at the Wizard to right*
SOOKIE: Who are you?
*Alan Ball peering out from curtain - he ducks back out of sight and his voice booms out again*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Oh? I? Pay no?*Sookie goes over to the curtain and starts to pull it aside* ?attention to that man behind the curtain. Go? before I lose my temper! The Great and Powerful Odd? has spoken!
*Sookie pulls back the curtain to reveal Alan Ball at the controls-- he reacts as he sees Sookie -- Sookie questions him -- Alan Ball starts to speak into the microphone -- then turns weakly back to Sookie -- Andy, Jason and Eric enter and stand behind Sookie*
SOOKIE: Who are you?
ALAN BALL SPEAKING INTO MICROPHONE WITH LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Well, I? I? I am the Great and Powerful? Wizard of Odd.
SOOKIE: You are?
ALAN BALL: Uh? yes
SOOKIE: I don't believe you!
ALAN BALL: No, I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me.
JASON: *Sookie and her three friends react -- Jason and Andy speak angrily* You humbug!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *swig from bottle* Yeah!
ALAN BALL: Yes-s-s? that? that's exactly so. I'm a humbug!
SOOKIE: Oh? you're a very bad man!
ALAN BALL: *reacts, speaks humbly* Oh, no, my dear? I'm? I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad Wizard.
JASON: You'd better be good enough to send Sookie back to Bon Temps!
ALAN BALL: Uh? now, please don't be angry with me. I'll? I'll do anything you say, only? only if you don't shout at me. It makes me nervous!
JASON: It makes you nervous?
ALAN BALL: Yes.
JASON: What about us?
ALAN BALL: Well, I?
JASON: What about the heart that you promised Eric?
ALAN BALL: Well, I?
JASON: And the courage that you promised Andy Bellefleur?
ALAN BALL: Well, I?
ERIC AND ANDY BELLEFLEUR: And Jason's brain?
ALAN BALL: Well, I? but you've got them. You've had them all the time!
ALL TOGETHER: Oh, no we haven't!
ERIC: You don't get around us that easy!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Not no how! *swig from bottle*
ALAN BALL: Well?
JASON: You promised us real things? a real brain!
ERIC: A beating heart!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Real courage. *swig from bottle* That's what we want.
ALAN BALL: You do? Boys, you're aiming low. You not only surprise, but you grieve me. *becomes eloquent -- steps closer to Jason* Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth ? or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! From the rock-bound coast of Maine to the Sun.... oh - oh, no? ah ? Well, be that as it may. Back where I come from we have universities, seats of great learning? where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts? and with no more brains than you have? But! They have one thing you haven't got! A diploma! *Alan Ball reaches back and obtains several diplomas ? selecting one and presents it to Jason as Sookie, Eric and Andy look on* Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitatus Phoenixitteeatum e pluribus unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Th.D.
JASON: Th.D.?
ALAN BALL: Yeah? that? that's Dr. of Thinkology!
JASON: *Jason recites the Pythagoras Theorem -- reacts with joy* The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy, rapture! I've got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?
ALAN BALL: Well, you can't. * Alan Ball takes Andy and leads him forward -- Alan Ball pauses on the throne steps -- opens a door and takes out a black bag -- takes a medal from the bag* As for you, my fine friend? you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called secret drunks. They drink all day long and no one is the wiser. And they have no more courage than you have. But! They have one thing that you haven't got! Stealth! Therefore? for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against maenad bitches, I award you the silver stealth flask. *Alan Ball presents the flask to the beaming Andy* You are now a member of the Legion of Secret Drinkers! *Alan Ball leans forward and kisses Andy -- Andy reacts, speaks*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh? Oh? shucks, folks, I'm speechless! *discrete sip from flask*
ALAN BALL: *Sookie, Eric, Jason watch Andy as he beams with joy over his new flask -- Alan Ball turns to Eric -- speaks to him* As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a beating heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. I could have been a world figure, a power among men, a? a successful wizard, had I not been obstructed by a heart.
ERIC: But I still want one.
ALAN BALL: Yes, back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil? er? er? phil? er, yes? good-deed-doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But! They have one thing you haven't got! A little colored ribbon!
*Eric waits as Alan Ball bends down and gets a myriad of little colored ribbons from his black bag -- he presents them to Eric as Sookie, Andy and Jason look on*
ALAN BALL: Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with some small tokens of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much flair you wear.
ERIC: *Eric looks at ribbons, then holds them up to Dorothy* Ahh? Oh, so many causes! Look!
SOOKIE: Yes! ?yes.
ERIC: Look? there?s so many! They prove I care! *Jason, Andy, Sookie react as Eric shows them the ribbons -- Alan Ball smiles as he watches them -- Andy points to his flask*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Read? read what my flask says. *CU of the flask in Andy?s hand -- reads LIQUID COURAGE* Liquid Courage!
*Int. Throne Room -- Jason, Sookie, Alan Ball and Eric admire Andy?s flask -- then they ask about Sookie?s request*
JASON: Hey? what about Sookie?
ERIC: Yes? how about Sookie?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yeah.
ALAN BALL: Ah?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Sookie next!
ALAN BALL: Yes. Sookie? ah? Sook?
SOOKIE: Oh, I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
ALAN BALL: *protests - mumbles as he starts to look into the bag* Well, no? no? on the contrary, on the? * rummages through the bag as Sookie and the others look on -- he finds nothing, so he speaks encouragingly of what he'll do* I? ah? on the contr? Here? Well, you force me into a cataclysmic decision. The only way to get Sookie back to Bon Temps is for me to take her there myself!
SOOKIE: Oh, will you? Could you? Oh? but are you a clever enough Wizard to manage it?
WIZARD: Child? you cut me to the quick! I'm an old Georgia man myself? born and? *Sookie is pleased -- looks about at the others* ...bred in the heart of the southern wilderness? Premier writer/director/producer/balloonist par excellence to the CBS & FOX Carnival Company? until one day, while performing spectacular feats of cinematic skill never before attempted by civilized man, an unfortunate phenomena occurred. The balloon failed to return to the fair.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: It did?
ALAN BALL: Yes. There was I, floating through space? a man without a network!
SOOKIE: Weren't you frightened?
*Jason, Sookie, Alan Ball, Eric and Andy on the steps near the throne -- Alan Ball speaks as they come forward -- they come forward to door -- they pause -- then again come forward to the doorway -- all react to Alan Ball?s announcement*
ALAN BALL: Frightened? You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death? sneered at doom and chuckled at catastrophe. I was petrified. Then suddenly the wind changed, and the balloon floated down into the heart of this pay channel, where I was instantly acclaimed Odd, the First Wizard de Luxe! Times being what they were, I accepted the job, retaining my balloon against the advent of a quick get-away. *laugh* And in that balloon, my dear Sookie, you and I will return to the land of E Pluribus Unum!
*Ext. Public Square, HBO -- Alan Ball and Sookie in the basket of balloon -- Eric, Jason and Andy standing on platform with them -- people of Odd grouped about them -- Alan Ball speaks to them -- the people cheer*
ALAN BALL: Good people of Odd, this is positively the finest exhibition ever to be shown *stammers* yes? well? be that as it may? I, your Wizard par ardua ad alta, am about to embark upon a hazardous and technically unexplainable journey into the outer stratosphere. *Alan Ball and Sookie in the basket -- Alan Ball speaks to the crowd* To confer, converse, and otherwise hobnob with my brother director/writer/producers. And I hereby decree that until what time? if any? that I return, Jason Stackhouse, by virtue of his highly superior brains, shall rule in my stead? assisted by Eric Northman, by virtue of his magnificent heart? and Andy Bellefleur? by virtue of his courage! Obey them as you would me! And? ah? well, that's all. Thank you.
*Dean in Sookie?s arms -- he barks at something -- People cheer*
*Odd woman with a cat in her arms-- Dean barking in Sookie's arms -- Sookie in basket of balloon -- Dean jumps from her arms ?- she reacts, starts to climb out -- Eric, Jason and Andy on platform -- Alan Ball in the basket of balloon -- Sookie climbs out ? yells*
SOOKIE: Oh, come back here! Dean! *by the side of the basket -- she speaks to Alan Ball, then runs down from the platform -- Andy and Jason seen* Come back! Oh, don't go without me! I'll be right back! Dean!
*Alan Ball on platform -- Jason, Andy and Eric standing by -- Alan Ball protests as the balloon starts to rise*
ERIC: Stop that dog!
ALAN BALL: This is a highly irregular procedure! This is absolutely unprecedented!
ERIC: Oh! Help me! The balloon's going up!
*Alan Ball rises slowly in the basket of balloon as the Odd people watch -- Jason and Eric try to hold the balloon down -? Sookie runs up on the platform, Andy following -- she yells to Alan Ball -- he shouts back -- the Odd people wave goodbye -- the balloon exits*
ALAN BALL: Ruined my exit!
ERIC: Help!
SOOKIE: Oh! Come back! Don't go without me! Please come back!
ALAN BALL: I can't come back! I don't know how it works! Goodbye, folks!
ODD PEOPLE: Goodbye! Goodbye!
SOOKIE: Oh, now I'll never get home!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Stay with us, then, Sookie. We all love you. We don't want you to go.
SOOKIE: Oh, that's very kind of you? but this could never be like Bon Temps. Vampire Bill must have stopped wondering what happened to me by now. Oh, Jason, what am I going to do?
JASON: Look? here's someone who can help you!
*A group of Odd men react as they look up -- they bow out of the scene -- suddenly Pam appears in the scene -- the Oz people bowing as Pam moves down the steps and up onto the platform to Sookie, Eric, Andy and Jason*
SOOKIE: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
PAM: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Bon Temps.
SOOKIE: I have?
JASON: Then why didn't you tell her before?
PAM: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
ERIC: What have you learned, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Well, I? I think that it? that it wasn't enough just to want to see Charlaine Harris and Vampire Bill? and it's that? if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?
PAM: That's all it is!
JASON: But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you.
ERIC: I should have felt it in my heart.
PAM: No. She had to find it out for herself. *Pam points down to Sookie?s slippers * Now, those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
SOOKIE: Oh? you effing bitch! Shifter Dean, too?
PAM: Shifter Dean, too.
SOOKIE: Oh, now?
PAM: Whenever you wish.
SOOKIE: *Sookie reacts, speaks -- turns about -- begins to cry as she realizes she will lose her three friends -- she wipes his tears away -? sucks another silver bullet out of Eric, he groans lasciviously -- she says goodbye to Andy she turns to Jason -- hugs him -- then steps back to Pam* Oh, dear? that's too wonderful to be true! Oh, it's? it's going to be so hard to say goodbye. I love you all, too. Goodbye, Eric. Oh, don't cry. I?ll suck out a few more bullets. There? that?s better. Goodbye.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Now I know I've got a heart? 'cause it's breaking.
SOOKIE: Oh. Goodbye, Andy. You know, I know it isn't right, but I'm going to miss the way you used to holler for that damned pig.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Well? I would never've found it if it hadn't been for you. *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: I think I'll miss you least of all.
PAM: Are you ready now?
SOOKIE: Yes. Say goodbye, Dean. *Sookie waves Dean's paw at the Eric, Andy and Jason ? then speaks to Pam -- Pam instructs her* Yes, I'm ready now.
PAM: Then close your eyes, and tap your heels together three times. *instructs Sookie -- waves her wand -- Sookie closes her eyes -? she speaks -- the scene darkens behind her* And think to yourself? "There's no place like home; there's no place like home; there's no place like home."
SOOKIE: There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
*The Vampires waving goodbye from the doors of the Fangtasia*
SOOKIE: There's no place like...
*The Maenad laughing*
SOOKIE: home. There's no place....
*Alan Ball at the control panel in the Throne Room - he turns, looks - reacts - pulls the curtain*
SOOKIE: like home. There's no place like home.
*Pam leading the Vampires in a dance - Vampires in the b.g.*
SOOKIE: There's no place like home.
*Detective Andy Bellefleur drinking -- Eric breaking in the door of the Maenad's Tower Room, getting shot with silver bullets*
SOOKIE: There's no place like home.
*Jason writhing with priapism pain*
SOOKIE: There's no place like home.
*Jane Bodehouse cuts off her own finger -- Bubba combing his hair -- Weres moving about -- Charlaine Harris offers forward a plate of crullers -- Sookie lying on pillow -- she mumbles --Vampire Bill?s hands enter -- put cloth on Sookie?s head*
SOOKIE: *mumbling* there's no place like home? there's no place like home
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie? Sookie! It's me? Vampire Bill.
*Sookie lying on bed -- mumbling -- she opens her eyes ? looks around room -- Vampire Bill seated on edge of bed ?- Charlaine Harris standing by -- Lafayette enters at window -- speaks -- Sookie reacts -- looks at him*
VAMPIRE BILL: Wake up, honey.
SOOKIE: no place like home? there's no place like home? no place
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie. Sookie, dear. It's Vampire Bill, darling.
SOOKIE: Oh, Vampire Bill? it's you!
VAMPIRE BILL: Yes, darling.
LAFAYETTE: Hello, there! Anybody home? I? I just dropped by ?cause I heard the little skank got caught in the big? Well, she seem all right now.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Yeah.
*Sookie lying in bed -- Vampire Bill seated by her ?- Charlaine Harris standing by -- Professor at window -- Sookie raises up on her elbow -- speaks -- Vampire Bill puts her back on pillow -- then rises and exits ? Jason, Eric and Andy enter -- kneel beside bed -- they speak to Sookie -- Andy and others exit right -- Vampire Bill re-enters -- sits by Sookie -- holds her hand -- Andy and others standing at right*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: She got quite a bump on the head? we kinda thought there for a minute she was going to leave us.
SOOKIE: But I did leave you, Charlaine Harris? that's just the trouble. And I tried to get back for days and days.
VAMPIRE BILL: There, there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream.
SOOKIE: No
JASON: Sure? remember me? your old brother, Jason?
ERIC NORTHMAN: And me? Eric?
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You couldn't forget my face, could you?
SOOKIE: No. But it wasn't a dream? it was a place. And you? and you? and you? and you were there.
LAFAYETTE: Oh *others laugh*
SOOKIE: But you couldn't have been, could you?
VAMPIRE BILL: Oh, we dream lots of silly things when we?
SOOKIE: No, Vampire Bill? this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice but most of it was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, ?I want to go home". And they sent me home. *Sookie lying in bed -- Vampire Bill sitting by her -- Lafayette at window ? Charlaine Harris -- Andy -- Jason and Eric standing by ?- they laugh ?- Dean jumps up on to bed -- Sookie takes Dean in her arms* Doesn't anybody believe me?
LAFAYETTE: Of course we believes you, Sook.
SOOKIE: Oh, but anyway, Dean, we're home!
*Sookie holding Dean in her arms -- Sookie looks around room -- speaks -- tears come to her eyes -? Vampire Bill rises -- puts his arm around Sookie*
SOOKIE: Home! And this is my room? and you're all here! And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all! And ? Oh, Vampire Bill? there's no place like home!
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