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The Wizard of Oz with the characters of True Blood, the books and the series. Just for fun. Hope you enjoy.
The Wizard Of Odd
*Sookie stoops down to Dean -- speaks to him -- then runs down road -- Dean following*
SOOKIE: She isn't coming yet, Dean. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on, we'll go tell Charlaine Harris and Vampire Bill. Come on, Dean.
*Farm yard -- Sookie enters left along road -- Dean following her -- she comes forward thru gate -- runs forward to Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working at computer*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill! Vampire Bill!
*Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working with vampire profiles in computer -- Sookie runs in -- speaks to them -- Sookie picks up computer disk -- Vampire Bill and Sookie come forward -- Vampire Bill puts disk in computer -- then back to virus scan -- Charlaine Harris looks at her*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill!
VAMPIRE BILL: Fifty-seven, fifty-eight?
SOOKIE: Just listen to what Maryann did to Dean! She?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, please! We're trying to count! Fifty-eight
SOOKIE: Oh, but Vampire Bill, she hit him over the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Don't bother us now, honey, this old computer's gone bad, and we're likely to lose a lot of our data.
SOOKIE: Y- you went with Vista, huh? Oh, but Vampire Bill, Maryann hit Dean right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets in her garden and chases her nasty old pig every day.
VAMPIRE BILL: Seventy, Sookie, please!
SOOKIE: Oh, but he doesn't do it every day, just once or twice a week. And he can't catch her old pig, anyway. And now she says she's gonna get the One Who Comes, and?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, Sookie! We're busy!
SOOKIE: Oh, all right.
VAMPIRE BILL: *Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris taking disk out of computer * Poor little orphan, and her Maryann troubles. Gosh all hemlock, you know, she ought to have somebody to play with. You could write her a friend?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I could, but we all got to work out our own problems, Vampire Bill.
VAMPIRE BILL: Yes. I hope we got these vampire profiles in time.
*Andy, Jason and Eric working on plot device -- Eric and Andy lowering bed of plot device into place*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: How's she coming?
JASON STACKHOUSE: Take it easy. *Jason on ground, drinks a whole vial of v juice -- gets priapism* Ow! I got gout of the dick!
ERIC NORTHMAN: I could drain the blood for you. *fangy grin*
SOOKIE: Andy, what am I going to do about Maryann? Just because Dean chases her old pig...
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Listen, honey, I got them hogs to get in. C?mere pig!!!
JASON STACKHOUSE: Now lookit, Sookie, you ain't using your head about Maryann. Think you didn't have any brains at all.
SOOKIE: I have so got brains, but I get better tips if I act like I don?t have ?em.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, why don't you use them when you?re not working? When you come home, don't go by Maryann?s place. Then Dean won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
SOOKIE: Oh, Jason, you just won't listen, that's all.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Listen, Sookie, don't let Jason kid you about Maryann. She's just a poor sour-blooded old maid that, she ain't got no heart left. You know, you should have a little more heart yourself, and have pity on her.
SOOKIE: Well, gee, I try and have a heart.
*Andy driving pigs into pen, carrying a liquor bottle, takes swigs as punctuation -- Sookie enters in b.g. walks along railing of pen -- Andy pours feed into trough*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Say pig! *swig from bottle* Get in there before I make a dime bank out of you! Listen, kid, are you going to let that old Maryann heifer try and buffalo you? *pours feed in trough* She ain't nothing to be afraid of. *swig from bottle* Have a little courage, that's all.
SOOKIE: *walking along railing between pig pens* I'm not afraid of her.
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *picks up another bucket of feed -- pours it into trough* Then the next time she squawks, *swig from bottle* walk right up to her and spit in her eye. *swig from bottle* That's what I'd do!
SOOKIE: *on railing -- loses her balance -- falls into pig pen* Oh!
*Andy jumps into pen(swig from bottle) ?- takes Sookie 's foot out of wire(swig from bottle) -- then picks her up(swig from bottle) -- he carries her out of pen(swig from bottle) -- puts her down with Jason and Eric ? Andy jumps out of pen(swig from bottle) -- sits down (swig from bottle) -- wipes his brow (swig from bottle) *
SOOKIE: Oh! Oh, Andy! Help! Help me, Andy! Get me out of here! Help!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Are you all right, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes, I'm all right. Oh, I fell in and, and Andy
*Andy, Sookie, Jason and Eric all look at Andy -- they laugh ?- Charlaine Harris enters with plate of crullers -- they speak -- Jason and Eric each take cruller -- Charlaine Harris comes forward to Andy and Sookie -- he speaks to Andy -- Sookie and Charlaine Harris walk to b.g. -- Sookie takes cruller ? Charlaine Harris runs to b.g.*
SOOKIE: Why, Andy, you're just as scared as I am!
JASON STACKHOUSE: What's the matter, gonna let a little old pig make a coward out of you?
ERIC NORTHMAN: Look at you, Andy, you're just as white as I am?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Here, here, what's all this jabber-wapping when there's work to be done? I know three shiftless characters that'll be written out of the series before they know it!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Well, Sookie was walking along the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I saw you ogling that erection, Eric. Now, you and Jason get back to that plot device!
ERIC NORTHMAN: All right, Charlaine Harris. But some day they're going to erect a statue to me in this town, and?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Well, don't start posing for it now. Here, here, can't work on an empty stomach. Have some crullers.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Gosh, Charlaine Harris. Swell.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Just fried.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Thanks. *tosses cruller aside, waggles eyebrows at Jason, shows fang*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You see, *swig from bottle* Sookie toppled in with the big Duroc...
CHARLAINE HARRIS: It's no place for Sookie about a pig sty! Now you go feed those hogs before they worry themselves into anemia!
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yes'am. Pig!!! *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Charlaine Harris, really, you know what Maryann said she was gonna do to Dean? She said she was gonna?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, Sookie, dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret over nothing. Maryann shouldn?t have a problem with Dean, he and Callisto got along just fine.
SOOKIE: No?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, you just help us out today, and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble.
SOOKIE: Some place where there isn't any trouble. *mumbles aside* Well, it won?t be in any of YOUR books.
*Sookie tosses Dean a piece of the cruller -? Dean eats it -- Sookie speaks as she walks forward -- she sings -? leans against haystack -- then walks over near rake*
SOOKIE: Do you suppose there is such a place, Dean? There must be. It's not a place you can get written by a creative writer. It's far, far too drab, maybe a technical writer, or an academic?
SOOKIE: *sings to ?Over the Rainbow?*
Someone painless and gentle, calm and wise
There's an author I heard of, once who wrote lullabies.
Someone tedious and tiresome, boring too
Will write a world that I?ll live in, skin not black and blue?
...Someday I'll work inside a bar
Where no one bad will ever come to find me.
Where vengeful weres remain chagrinned
And evil faeries can?t come in to stab or bind me.
Someone writing a world where I can lie
In the sun unmolested eating shoofly pie
Heroines live without bruises
Why then? oh, why can't I?
If happy characters can have
A pain free life then
Why, oh, why can't I?
*Maryann rides along country road on bicycle -- Maryann rides forward to front of Stackhouse's home -- stops and gets off her bicycle as Charlaine Harris comes forward*
MARYANN FORRESTER: Charlaine Harris!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Howdy, Maryann.
MARYANN: I want to see you and your characters right away... about Sookie. What is she?
*Charlaine Harris and Maryann at gate -- they speak ? Charlaine Harris lets go of the gate -- it hits Maryann -- she reacts -- exits left -- Charlaine Harris puts paint brush down -- starts out left*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Sookie? She?s a waitress. Well, what has Sookie done?
MARYANN: What's she done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg! And what IS she?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: You mean she bit you? And I said, she?s a waitress.
MARYANN: No, her dog! And her vampire, too I might add.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Oh, she bit her dog and her vampire, eh?
MARYANN: NO! *Int. Stackhouse Sitting room* That dog's a menace to the community. I'm taking him to the One Who Comes and make sure he's destroyed.
SOOKIE: Destroyed? Dean? Oh, you can't! You mustn't! Vampire Bill! Charlaine Harris! You won't let her, will you?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Of course we won't. Will we, Bill?
SOOKIE: Please, Vampire Bill, Dean didn't mean to. He didn't know he was doing anything wrong. I'm the one that ought to be punished. I let him go in her garden. You can send me to bed without supper?
MARYANN: If you don't hand over that dog, I'll bring a damage suit that'll take your whole farm! There's a law protecting folks against dogs that bite!
VAMPIRE BILL: How would it be if she keeps him tied up? He's really gentle, with gentle people, that is.
MARYANN: Well, that's for the One Who Comes to decide. Here's his order allowing me to take him. Unless you want to go against an ancient God.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Uh, no
VAMPIRE BILL: Now, we can't go against an ancient god, Sookie. I'm afraid poor Dean will have to go.
MARYANN: Now you're seeing reason.
SOOKIE: No?
MARYANN: *showing small basket* Here's what I'm taking him in, so he can't attack me again.
SOOKIE: Oh, no, no! I won't let you take him! You go away, you...! Ooh, I'll bite you myself!
VAMPIRE BILL: *aghast * Sookie!
SOOKIE: You wicked old witch! Charlaine Harris, Vampire Bill, don't let 'em take Dean! Don't let her take him, please!
MARYANN: Here! I've got an order! Let me have...
SOOKIE: Stop her!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Put him in the basket, Bill.
MARYANN: The idea!
SOOKIE: Oh, don't, Charlaine Harris. Oh, Dean! Don't?
*Sookie crying -- looks to Vampire Bill -- then to Charlaine Harris then turns and runs out of the room *
*Maryann riding bicycle to left -- Dean sticks his head out of basket -- looks about -? then jumps out -- Dean jumps to ground -- he runs down road -- Maryann riding forward down dirt road on her bicycle -- she exits*
*Int. Sookie's room -- Sookie sitting on floor by bed -- crying -- Dean jumps in thru window and onto bed -- Sookie hugs him -- reacts -- speaks to him -- then takes suitcase from under bed-- starts packing it -- Dean barks*
SOOKIE: Dean, darling! Oh, I got you back! You came back! Oh, I'm so glad! Dean! Oh, they'll be coming back for you in a minute. We've got to get away! We've got to run away, quick!
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(14 of 29)
Sep 18, 2009 12:39 PM
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*Gates to HBO -- Sookie -- Andy -- Eric and Jason enter left. -- skip to gate ? they ring the bell ? Bud Dearborn sticks his head out*
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Who rang that bell?
*Sookie and group at gate -- Sookie at window -- he speaks to the group -- they look around*
SOOKIE AND OTHERS: We did.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Can't you read?
JASON: Read what?
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: The notice!
SOOKIE AND JASON: What notice?
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: It's on the door? as plain as the nose on my face! It? Oh
*Bud Dearborn reacts -- starts out -- Sookie and group at door -- Bud Dearborn disappears -- re-enters -- hangs sign on door -- then exits -- closing window -- Sookie and others read sign -- Sookie knocks on door -- Bud Dearborn re-enters -- speaks to them*
SOOKIE AND OTHERS: "Bell out of order. Please knock."
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business!
SOOKIE AND OTHERS: We want to see the Wizard.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Ooooh! The Wizard? But nobody can see the Great Odd! Nobody's ever seen the Great Odd! Even I've never seen him!
SOOKIE: Well, then? how do you know there is one?
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Because he? I? Oh, you're wasting my time!
SOOKIE: Oh, please! Please sir. I've got to see the Wizard! The Good Bitch of the North sent me!
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Prove it.
JASON: She's wearing the shifter slippers she gave her.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Oh? so she is! Well, bust my buttons! Why didn't you say that in the first place? *Sookie, Eric and Andy smiling -- Bud Dearborn looks down -- speaks -- exits -- closing window* That's a horse of a different color! Come on in!
*Sookie and Group at gate as it opens -- People moving about on street of Oz ? Claude & Claudine drive in from right -- Sookie and group go to cab*
CLAUDE & CLAUDINE: Cabby! Cabby! Just what you're looking for! Take you any place in the City, we does.
SOOKIE: Well, would you take us to see the Wizard?
*Sookie, Andy, Eric and Jason climb into cab -- Sookie looks at horse -- reacts -- speaks to Claude & Claudine -- Claude & Claudine drive forward -- singing -- people wave to Claude & Claudine *
CLAUDINE: The Wizard? The Wizard? We? can't? Well? Yes, of course. But first we'll take you to a little place where you can tidy up a bit? what?
SOOKIE: Oh, thank you so much. We've been gone such a long time, and we feel so mess? What kind of a horse is that? I've never seen a horse like that before!
CLAUDINE: No, and never will again, I fancy. There's only one of him, and he's it. He's the Horse of a Different Color, you've heard tell about.
*sing*
Ha -- ha -- ha --
Ho -- ho -- ho --
And a couple of tra -- la -- las.
That's how we laugh the day away
In the Merry Old Land of Odd.
Bzz -- bzz -- bzz --
Chirp -- Chirp -- Chirp --
And a couple of la -- di....
*Sookie and group riding thru street of Odd -- people gather around ? wave*
CLAUDE:
*sing*
...das --
That's how the crickets crick all day
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
We get up at twelve?
*Claude driving cab as he sings -- Sookie -- Andy and others in cab-- crowd following*
CLAUDINE:
*sing*
...And start to work at one
Take an hour for lunch?
*Cab moving to right thru Street of Odd -- Crowd following -- Cab stops -- Sookie and others get out -- they exit into building -- sign above door reads: WASH & BRUSH UP CO.*
CLAUDE:
*sing*
...And then at two we're done
Jolly good fun!
Ha -- ha -- ha --
Ho -- ho -- ho --
And a couple of tra -- la -- las.
That's how we laugh the day away
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
Ha -- ha -- ha --
Ho -- ho -- ho --
Ha -- ha -- ha -- ha --
That's how we laugh the day away
With a ho -- ho -- ho
Ha -- ha -- ha
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
*Wardrobe filling Jason with new straw -- they sing as they work -- men polishing Eric-- they sing -- girls doing Sookie?s hair -- they sing -- girls clipping Andy -- all sing-- Sookie -- Eric and Jason -- Andy rises -- the Four of them start out *
WARDROBE
*sing*
Pat, pat here,
Pat, pat there,
And a couple of brand new straws.
That's how we keep you young and fair
In the Merry Old Land of Odd.
SCRIPT POLISHERS
*sing*
Rub, rub here,
Rub, rub there,
And whether you're tin or bronze.
That's how we keep you in repair
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
PROP DEPT
*sing*
We can make a dimpled smile out of a frown?
SOOKIE
*sing*
Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown?
CGI DEPT
Uh-huh.
SOOKIE
Jolly old town!
MAKE-UP
*sing*
Clip, clip here,
Clip, clip there.
We give the roughest claws
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR
*swig from bottle*
That certain air of savoir faire
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
JASON
Ha -- ha -- ha --
ERIC
Ho -- ho --ho
SOOKIE
Ho -- ho --ho -- ho
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR
*swig from bottle*
Hah!
ALL
*sing*
That's how we laugh the day away
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
That's how we laugh?
...the day away -- Ha -- ha -- ha --
In the Merry Old Land of Odd!
Ha -- ha -- ha --
Ho -- Ho - ho ?
*Eric, Jason, Sookie and Andy -- crowd in b.g. ? all looking up to sky -- they react*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Who's her? *swig from bottle* Who's her?
SOOKIE: It's the Bitch! She's followed us here!
ERIC: Can't that female take no for an answer?
CUE VOICE: S-u-r-r-e-n-d-e-r- Sookie or die! M. B. W.
SOOKIE: Dear, whatever shall we do?
JASON: Well, we'd better hurry if we're going to see the Wizard!
*Sookie and group run out at right -- crowd following -- Crowd moving to steps of Palace -- Guard on steps -? speaks and gestures*
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Here? here? here? wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop? stop? stop! It's all right! *Bud Dearborn speaks to crowd and gestures* Every? It's all right! Everything is all right! The Great and Powerful Odd has got matters well in hand? I hope? So you can all go home? and there's nothing to worry about.
*Sookie, Eric, Jason and Andy making their way thru crowd*
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Get out of here now? go on! Go on home? I? I? go home.
SOOKIE: If you please, sir. We want to see the Wizard right away? all four of us.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Orders are? nobody can see the Great Odd! Not nobody? not no how!
SOOKIE: Oh, but we must!
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Orders are? not nobody! Not no how! He's in conference with himself on account of this trouble with the Bitch. And even if he wasn't you wouldn't have been able to see him anyway on account of nobody has? not even us in the Palace!
SOOKIE: Oh, but? but please. It's very important.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: And *swig from bottle* and I got a permanent just for the occasion.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Not nobody! Not no how! *Horn sounding inside of Guard's cape* Pardon me. We've gotta change the guards. * Bud Dearborn crosses to Sentry house - sentry house revolves -- Bud Dearborn in Sentry House - turns fake mustache upside down -- Bud Dearborn steps out of Sentry house - he comes forward to Sookie and Group* Now - what do you want?
SOOKIE AND OTHERS: We want to see the Wizard.
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Not nobody! Not no how!
ERIC: That's what the other man said.
JASON: But she's Sookie!
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: The Maenad's Sookie? Well? that makes a difference. Just wait here? I'll announce you at once.
* Bud Dearborn shoulders his sword -- he exits into Palace -- At the Palace Gates -- Eric, Sookie, Jason and the Andy as they look right, react -- they speak -- Andy moves away from them (swig from bottle) and steps up on the terraced garden -- he starts to sing*
JASON: Did you hear that? He'll announce us at once! I've as good as got my brain!
ERIC: I can fairly hear my heart beating!
SOOKIE: I'll be home in time for supper!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: In another hour, I'll have respect on the force. *swig from bottle* Call me DeTECtive! *sings*
If... I had respect on the force,
I?d be deTECtive, not Andy, not dick....
*swig from bottle*
My nom de plume on the force....
Wouldn?t be po-po, nor bacon, nor tits.
I'd command esteem, from an unruly crowd.
And they?d cower, scared thoroughly cowed.
*swig from bottle*
As I'd click my heel
All the citizens would kneel
And the scumbags bow
And the thugs kowtow
And I wouldn?t be thought defective
'F? I?'f? I? were DeTECtive!
*swig from bottle*
Each informant would show respect to me.
The dealers genuflect to me.
*swig from bottle*
Though my badge would flash
I would show compash
For every underling.
'F? I...'f? I? were DeTECtive
Just DeTECtive!
*Andy standing in left f.g. as he finishes song -- Jason, Sookie and Eric in front of him -- they bow, then dance about as they sing -- then kneel down*
ALL
*sing*
Each suspect would show respect to him
The scumbags genuflect to him
JASON: And his wife would be Queen of the May.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I'd be monarch of all I survey... *swig from bottle*
*Jason, Sookie and Eric bow -- then a carpet is rolled down in front of Andy ? all come forward ? Sookie acts as flower girl -- they come forward to royal robe -- it is placed on Andy, as they turn about, then start back to the throne -- the Eric crowns Andy with a half of a flower pot*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR
*sing*
Monarch of all I survey...
Mah -- hah -- hah -- hah -- hah -- hah
hah -- hah -- hah -- ha-narch!
*laughs maniacally*
Of all I survey!
*Jason, Sookie and Eric bow before Andy as he concludes -- Sookie kneels, speaks -- Andy moves down from the terrace garden and comes forward as the others question him -- Andy starts up the Palace steps*
SOOKIE: DeTECtive, if you were respected you wouldn't be afraid of anything?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Not nobody, not no how! *swig from bottle*
ERIC: Not even a rhinoceros?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Imposserous!
SOOKIE: How about a hippopotamus?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Why, I'd thrash him from top to bottomamus!
SOOKIE: Supposin' you met an elephant?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I'd wrap him up in cellophant! *swig from bottle*
JASON: What if it were a brontosaurus?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I'd show him who was respected on the force!
ALL: How?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: How? Courage! What makes a King out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! *swig from bottle*
* Bud Dearborn sticks his head out of the peep window in the gates ? looks*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? *swig from bottle* Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? *swig from bottle* Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? *swig from bottle* Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?
ALL: Courage!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You can say that again! Hah. *swig from bottle* Huh!?
*Eric, Sookie and Jason standing in front of Andy ? all react as the Bud Dearborn comes forward from b.g. -- roars at them -- then enters the palace -- Sookie begins to cry -- the others try to comfort her*
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Go on home! The Wizard says go away!
ALL: Go away?
SOOKIE: Oh?
JASON: Looks like we came a long way for nothing.
SOOKIE: Oh? and I was so happy! I thought I was on my way home!
ERIC: Don't cry, Sookie!
* Bud Dearborn looks out through the peep window*
ERIC: We're going to get you to the Wizard.
JASON: We certainly are! How? How are we?
*Eric, Andy and Jason grouped about Sookie - Andy and Jason speak ? Sookie speaks as she sobs*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Would...would it do any good if I roared? *swig from bottle*
JASON: Who at?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I don't know. C?mere PIG! *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill was so good to me? and I never appreciated it. Running away? and hurting his feelings. *sobs, then speaks to the others* Lafayette Reynolds said he was sick. He may be dying? and? and it's all my fault!
* Bud Dearborn, with streams of tears pouring down his cheeks -- Sookie sobbing*
SOOKIE: Oh, I'll never forgive myself! Never? never? never!
* Bud Dearborn looking out window -- he sobs -- speaks ? Bud Dearborn exits from the window -- Sookie and the others rise as the gates to palace open - a long corridor seen in b.g. -- they start cautiously forward down it*
SHERIFF BUD DEARBORN: Oh, oh? please don't cry any more. I'll get you into the Wizard somehow. Come on. I had a Vampire Bill myself once.
*Int. Corridor -- Jason, Andy, Sookie and Eric come forward -- they stop at intervals, keep Andy from running back -- then they tip-toe forward -- react to echo*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Wait a minute, fellahs. *swig from bottle* I was just thinkin'. I really don't want to see the Wizard this much. I better wait for you outside.
JASON: What's the matter?
ERIC: Oh, he's just ascared again.
SOOKIE: Don't you know the Wizard's going to give you some courage?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *swig from bottle* I'd be too scared to ask him for it.
SOOKIE: Oh, well, then? we'll ask him for you.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I'd sooner wait outside.
SOOKIE: But why? Why?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Because I'm still scared!
SOOKIE: Oh, come on.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh!
JASON: What happened?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Somebody emptied my bottle.
JASON: Oh, you did it yourself!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: I? Oh *full bottle magically appears in his hand, he takes a swig*
JASON: Here? Come on.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: What was that?
SOOKIE: Our echo.
*Andy starts to bolt, but the others grab him - Sookie speaks as they face down corridor -- Voice of Lafayette heard*
SOOKIE: Oh, come on? come on! We'll soon find the Wizard!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: The Wizard? The Wizard? The Great and Powerful Wizard of Odd? Odd? Odd? Odd? Odd? Odd? Odd? Odd! The Great Wizard of Odd. Come forward!
*Jason, Andy, Sookie and Eric come forward - Andy speaks, hides his eyes*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Tell me when it's over! *swig from bottle* Oh!
*Int. Throne Room -- The Four enter through door at left ?- they move toward center of room -- they react as they see the throne -- flame and smoke belching forth from the throne*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh! Look at that! *swig from bottle* Look at that! Oh? Ohhhh? I want to go home *swig from bottle* I want to go home!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: I am Odd, the Great and Powerful! *The Four trembling and shaking with fear* Who are you? Who are you?
SOOKIE: *the others shove Sookie forward ?- she comes forward, speaks* I? If you please, I? I am Sookie, *speaks, looks back at the others* ...the telepathic and immature. We've come to ask you
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Silence!
SOOKIE: *reacts, turns and runs back to the others * Ohh? Jiminy Crickets!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: The Great and Powerful Odd knows why you have come. Step forward, Eric Northman!
ERIC: *Eric shakes, speaks - comes wobbling forward* Ohhhh? it's me!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: You dare come up in my crib fo? a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!
ERIC: *Eric trembling with fear -- he speaks, then reacts as the Voice booms out -- turns to run* Ohhhh? yes...yes, sir? Y-Yes, your Honor. You see, a while back, we were walking down the road, and
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Quiet!
ERIC: Ohhhhhh! *Eric runs back to Sookie, Andy and Jason as flames pour from the throne*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: And you, Jason, got the grassy balls to ax for a brain?
*Jason almost collapses -- then moves forward and salaams in front of the throne Jason kneeling as the other three watch from -- he speaks ? salaams*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: You billowing bale of bovine fodder!
JASON: Y-Yes? Yes, Your Honor? I mean, Your Excellency? I? I mean? Your Wizardry!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Enough!
*Jason rises, runs back to Andy, Eric and Sookie*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Uh? And you, DeTECtive!
*Andy groans with fear as he comes slowly forward, swig from bottle -- Andy tries to speak -- swig from bottle -- faints and falls to the floor -- Sookie and the others run forward to him*
SOOKIE: Oh? Oh? Oh! *Jason and Sookie bending over Andy -- Sookie reacts, turns and speaks as she looks toward the throne* You ought to be ashamed of yourself? frightening him like that, when he came to you for help!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Silence! Skank! *Sookie and Jason sit down as they react to Odd?s Voice* The beneficent Odd has every intention of granting your requests!
*Jason and Sookie bending over Andy -- Andy revives, sits up, speaks -- Sookie starts to pull him up*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: What's that? *swig from bottle* What'd he say?
SOOKIE: Oh? Oh, come on.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Huh? What'd he say?
*Sookie helps Andy to his feet -- the four of them listen as Lafayette speaks*
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: But first, you must prove yo-selves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Maenad Bitch of the West.
ERIC: B-B-B-B-B-But if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it!
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: Bring me her broomstick, and I'll grant yo? requests. *The trembling Four -- Andy starts to speak* Now, go!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: But *swig from bottle* but what if she kills us first?
LAFAYETTE'S VOICE: ... I said, Go!
*Andy jumps with fright -- The Four standing in front of the throne. -- Andy runs out of the throne room and into the corridor -- Andy comes running forward -- he dives through window to exit*
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Posts:
10,818
Registered:
11/17/03
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(13 of 29)
Sep 17, 2009 11:08 PM
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> Glaring error on my part:
>
> TitusPullo has contributed hilariously to this
> parody.
>
> Please give him props as well.
Wild applause for both of you. This is hysterical!
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Posts:
1,643
Registered:
1/12/06
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(12 of 29)
Sep 17, 2009 7:29 PM
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> Glaring error on my part:
>
> TitusPullo has contributed hilariously to this
> parody.
>
> Please give him props as well.
*gives probes to TitusPullo*
There.
Thanks for the clarification, Insy.  *applause*
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Posts:
289
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10/27/05
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(11 of 29)
Sep 17, 2009 12:42 PM
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Glaring error on my part:
TitusPullo has contributed hilariously to this parody.
Please give him props as well.
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(10 of 29)
Sep 17, 2009 11:53 AM
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*Int. Dark and Eerie Forest ? Eric, Sookie and Jason walking forward down brick road -- They walk forward slowly -- They stop, look around -- Sookie frightened, speaks*
SOOKIE: I don't like this forest! It's? its dark and creepy!
JASON: Of course, I don't know, but I think it'll get darker before it gets lighter.
SOOKIE: Do? do you suppose we'll meet any supernatural creatures?
ERIC: We might.
SOOKIE: Oh?
JASON: Creatures that? that eat straw?
ERIC: Some? but mostly demons, and shifters, and weres.
SOOKIE: Demons?
JASON: And shifters?
ERIC: And weres.
SOOKIE: *frightened* Oh! Demons and shifters and weres!
*The three walk forward along brick road -- they react to growl*
SOOKIE: Oh, my!
ERIC, JASON AND SOOKIE: Demons and shifters and weres!
SOOKIE: Oh, my!
ERIC, JASON AND SOOKIE: Demons and shifters?
ERIC: And weres!
SOOKIE: Oh, my! *screams* What sort of an animal is that?
ERIC: It-it-it-it? it's a huge one!
JASON: D-d-d-don't be fr-fr-frightened. I - I'll -I'll protect you. Oh, look!
*Andy on fallen tree ? Sookie, Jason and Eric on brick road -- Andy jumps toward them (swig from bottle) -- the three move back -- the Andy takes two great leaps (swig from bottle) -- lands on the brick road -- Eric and Jason fall at side of road -- Sookie hides behind tree -- Andy growling(swig from bottle) -- Jason trembling -- Andy growling(swig from bottle) -- Sookie looks out around tree ? reacts -- Andy growling(swig from bottle) -- Eric trembling -- Andy sneers (swig from bottle) -- he stands on his hind legs(swig from bottle) -- puts up his paws*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Put 'em up! Put 'em up! *swig from bottle* Which one of you first? I'll fight you both together if you want! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. *swig from bottle* I'll fight you standing on one foot.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: * speaks and gestures -- swig from bottle* I'll fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pulling an axe on me, eh? *Eric trembling* Sneaking up on me, eh? *snarls*
ERIC: Here? here. Go 'way and let us alone!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh, scared, huh? *swig from bottle -- Sookie looks out from around tree ? reacts* Afraid, huh? *swig from bottle, then speaks and laughs * How long can you stay fresh in that can? *laughs* Come on? get up and fight, you shivering junk yard! *swig from bottle* Put your hands up, you lop-sided bag of hay
*Dean barking -- Andy snarls and takes swig from bottle*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Well, I'll get you, anyway, Pee-Wee. C?mere dog!!!
*Dean runs into shrubs -- Andy starts after him-- Sookie picks up Dean -- comes forward over to Jason and Eric -- Andy starts for Dean -- Sookie slaps his hand ? he backs away crying and takes swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Shame on you!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *crying* What? what did you do that for? *swig from bottle* I didn't bite him.
SOOKIE: No, but you tried to. It's bad enough picking on a straw man, but when you go around picking on poor little dogs!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *cries* Well, you didn't have to go and hit me, did you? *swig from bottle* Is my nose bleeding?
SOOKIE: Well, of course not. My goodness, what a fuss you're making. Well, naturally, when you go around picking on things weaker than you are? Why, you're nothing but a great big coward!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You're right? I am a coward. *Crying* I haven't any courage at all. *swig from bottle* I even scare myself. Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks.
ERIC: Why don't you try counting sheep?
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: That doesn't do any good? I'm afraid of 'em. *swig from bottle*
JASON: Oh, that's too bad. Don't you think the Wizard could help him, too?
SOOKIE: I don't see why not. Why don't you come along with us? We're on our way to see the Wizard now. To get him a heart.
ERIC: And him a brain.
SOOKIE: I'm sure he could give you some courage.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Well, wouldn't you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lawman? *swig from bottle* I would.
SOOKIE: No, of course not.
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Gee, that's? that's awfully nice of you. *swig from bottle* My life... has been simply unbearable. *Sookie puts Dean down -- Andy Sings as the four walk and dance along brick road to right*
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR
*swig from bottle, sings*
I never really fancied
Myself as a great nancy,
Besodden in my wine.
My eyeballs might conspire
To sit substantially higher
If I only had a spine.
I'd piss in better places
Than my socks and shoelaces
Fresh pants I might decline.
Less yellow'd be my belly
And my knickers much less smelly
If I only had a spine.
I'd be brave as a blizzard
ERIC
*sings*
I'd be gentle as a lizard
JASON
*sings*
I'd be clever as a gizzard
SOOKIE
*sings*
If the Wizard is a Wizard who will serve.
JASON
*sings*
Then I'm sure to get a brain
ERIC
*sings*
A heart
SOOKIE
*sings*
A home
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR
*swig from bottle, sings*
The nerve.
*Jason, Eric, Sookie and Andy sing as they dance forward along brick road*
ALL
*sing*
Oh, we're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd.
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was...
...If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Odd is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does!
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd!
*Int. Maenad?s castle -- Crystal -- the images of Eric, Sookie, Jason and Andy in crystal as they march along arm in arm ? Maenad, Eggs and Karl looking into crystal -- Maenad laughs -- she mixes poison -- She holds poison over the crystal -- waves her hand over it --the images of group fade out -- Disney Field fades in*
MAENAD: A-hah! *laughs* So! You won't take warning, eh? All the worse for you, then. I'll take care of you now instead of later! Hah! When I gain those shifter slippers, my power will be the greatest in Odd! And now, my beauties! Something with poison in it, I think. With poison in it, but attractive to the eye? and soothing to the smell! *laughs* Disney! Disney! Disney!
*Disney Field at edge of forest ? Sookie, Jason, Andy and Eric coming forward out of forest*
SOOKIE: There's HBO? Oh, we're almost there at last! At last! It's beautiful, isn't it? Just like I knew it would be. He really must be a wonderful Wizard to work at a network like that!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Well, come on, then. *swig from bottle* What are we waiting for?
JASON: Nothing! Let's hurry!
*Sookie, Eric, Jason and Andy run thru field of Disney characters*
SOOKIE: Yes? let's run!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yes. *swig from bottle*
*Sookie and Andy running thru Disney characters -- Sookie staggers a little -- slows down -- Jason and Eric running forward thru Disney characters -- Sookie enters -- Jason and Eric stop on hill -- call and gesture*
JASON: Oh! Oh, come on, come on!
ERIC: Look? you can see it here. It's wonderful!
JASON: HBO!
SOOKIE: *Sookie running slowly to right ?sees Miley Cyrus, Miley begins posing and singing- Sookie staggers -- puts her hand to her head* Oh? Oh? what's happening? What is it? *Sookie swoons* I can't run anymore. I'm so sleepy.
JASON: Here? give us your hands, and we'll pull you along.
SOOKIE: Oh, no? please. I have to rest for just a minute. Dean! *Raven Symone dances, sings ? Dean stumbles -- Dean lying among Winnie the Pooh characters* Where's Dean? *lies down next to Kim Possible*
JASON: Oh, you can't rest now? we're nearly there!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *Jonas Bros singing ? Andy yawns* What did she? *swig from bottle* do that for?
*The images of Andy, Eric, Jason and Sookie in Crystal ? they speak - Maenad and Karl and Eggs standing near crystal - Maenad laughs and speaks - the images fade out - Karl and Eggs exit*
JASON: Hey, Sookie!
ERIC: Sookie!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Sookie! *hiccup/burp ? tries to step around Jonas Bros. they block him*
ERIC: Sookie! You can't sleep here! You can't sleep in the middle of a field!
MAENAD: *laughs* Call away! Call away! She won't hear any of you again! And there's nothing you can do about it, either. *laughs* Bring me my ostrich egg! I'll call the Black Eyed Bon Tempsians to fetch me those slippers! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! It worked very smoothly!
*Sookie lying on ground ? Eric spying a vision of Godric surrounded by High School Musical cast, starts to cry -- Jason speaks -- holds Andy up -- Andy drops as Eric and Jason start to pick up Sookie*
ERIC: *crying* Oh? oh, poor Godric! Jag saknar dig, Godric! *silver bullets fly at Eric from nowhere*
JASON: Don't cry? you'll rust yourself again!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Comin' to think of it, forty winks wouldn't be bad. *swig from bottle*
JASON: Don't you start it, too!
ERIC: Oh! We ought to try and carry Sookie.
JASON: I don't think I could, but we could try.
ERIC: Let's.
JASON: Yes.
ERIC: Oh? now look at him! This is terrible!
JASON: Here, Eric? help me. *Jason tries to lift her -- Sookie and Andy lying among Disney characters --Eric and Jason react -- call for help* Oh, this is terrible? can't budge her an inch! This is a spell, this is!
ERIC: It's the Maenad Bitch! What'll we do? Help! HELP!
JASON: It's no use screaming at a time like this! Nobody will hear you! Help! *Eric and Jason on top of hill -- crying for help -- Superimposed shot of the Pam as she waves wand -- vampires starts to fall from the sky* HELP? HELP! *Sookie lying next to Stitch and the 7 dwarves * Help! Help!
*Eric and Jason on top of hill -- Superimposed shot of the Pam waving wand -- vampires falling -- The Superimposure fades out*
JASON: Look? It's raining vampires! It isn't raining vampires. It couldn't be! But it is! No, it isn't! Yes, it is! Oh, maybe that'll help! *Sookie lying asleep ? vampires attacking the Disney characters ? Disney characters fleeing -- she opens her eyes* Oh, but it couldn't help. *Jason looking down ? vampires feeding on Miley Cyrus -- he kneels down to Sookie -- she wakens -- sits up -- Andy sits up -- Sookie looks to left ? she sees Eric -- Sookie jumps up ? checks Eric over for bullet holes ? she sucks on Eric* It does help. Sookie, you're waking up!
DECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Oh?*swig from bottle* unusual weather we're having, ain't it?
SOOKIE: Look! He's gotten shot by silver bullets again. Oh, let me suck them out? quick! Oh-oh, quick!
JASON: Yes? there
SOOKIE: Oh? here quick? oh! ?she?ll suck them out.
*Images of Eric -- Sookie -- Jason and Andy in Crystal -- Maenad and Carl and Eggs looking into Crystal ? The Maenad reacts -- speaks -- the images fade from Crystal*
SOOKIE: Oh, he's been crying! Why have you been?
MAENAD: Curse it! Curse it! Somebody always helps that girl! But shifters or no shifters, I'm still great enough to conquer her. And woe to those who try to stop me!
*Sookie, Andy, Jason and Eric on hill in Field of Drained Disney characters-- Sookie speaks -- all react to voices singing -- The four of them come forward down hill*
SOOKIE: Come on? let's get out of here! Look, HBO is closer and prettier than ever!
*Int. Tower Room -- The Maenad gestures with broomstick -- she runs around to window -- stands on sill -- speaks -- then flies out*
MAENAD: To HBO... as fast as lightning!
*The Maenad flying on broomstick -- she circles tower-- then flies out left*
--
Edited by InsolentWretch at 09/17/2009 8:59 AM PDT
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(9 of 29)
Sep 17, 2009 12:50 AM
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Bill Compton
VixiVamp
Camamar
Thank you!
 I forgot the Newlins!!! Thanks for the addition Cam!
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Posts:
1,643
Registered:
1/12/06
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(8 of 29)
Sep 16, 2009 8:50 PM
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>>>MAENAD: Very well? I'll bide my time? and as for you, my fine whatever you are, it's true, I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like, but just try to stay out of my way just try! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! *laughs*<<<
*vision materializes of Rev. Newlin & Mrs. Newlin watching the goings-on via surveillance cameras*
Rev. Newlin: "Pretty?!?!" *grimaces contemptuously* "What do they SEE in her?"
Mrs. Newlin: *peeks over Rev. Newlin's shoulder to look at the surveillance footage* *glares icily at her husband* "At least she has nice hair."
hahaha!!! InsolentWretch!!! Brilliant as ever!!!
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(7 of 29)
Sep 16, 2009 5:11 PM
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> Look for the next installment on Wednesday.
>
> Thanks!
er...make that Thursday. Heh heh.
*blush, sheepish exit*
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Posts:
1,944
Registered:
7/27/09
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(6 of 29)
Sep 16, 2009 2:19 AM
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Genius!
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68
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10/31/08
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(5 of 29)
Sep 15, 2009 9:55 PM
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*cheer* Author! Author! ROFL!!!!!!!!!
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(4 of 29)
Sep 15, 2009 5:25 PM
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Look for the next installment on Wednesday.
Thanks!
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(3 of 29)
Sep 15, 2009 5:21 PM
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*Ext. Cross Roads -- Sookie and Dean come forward along the road from b.g. - she pauses in the center of the cross roads -- looks about, speaks*
SOOKIE: Follow development code? Follow development....? *puzzled as she looks about* Now which way do we go?
*Sookie standing in the center of cross roads -- Jason on a pole in the cornfield at right -- he speaks, points to right Sookie whirls about and looks at him*
JASON: That way is a very nice way. *arm pointing to right*
SOOKIE: *a bit frightened as she looks about - she speaks, looks down at Dean as he barks* Who said that? *Dean barking at Jason in the field of corn -- Sookie looks down and speaks to Dean* Don't be silly, Dean. Scarecrows don't talk.
JASON: *speaks, points to left with his other arm* It's pleasant down that way, too.
SOOKIE: *reacts, watches Jason -- speaks to Dean -- looks up as Jason speaks* That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?
JASON: Of course, people do....*crosses his arms and points in both directions* go both ways!
SOOKIE: *reacts, speaks as she starts forward * Why....you did say something, didn't you?
*Jason shakes his head, then nods -- Sookie speaks to him*
SOOKIE: Are you doing that on purpose, or can't you make up your mind?
JASON: *explains -- shows his straw head* That's the trouble. I can't make up my mind. I haven't got a brain& only straw.
SOOKIE: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
JASON: I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?
SOOKIE: *nods* Yes, I guess you're right, my friend Arlene talks all the time. *Sookie steps over the fence and into the cornfield -- speaks as she steps up to Jason* Well, we haven't really met properly, have we?
JASON: Why, no.
SOOKIE: *curtsies, speaks* How do you do?
JASON: *nods* How do you do?
SOOKIE: Very well, thank you.
JASON: Oh, I'm not feeling at all well. You see, it's very tedious being stuck up here all day long with a pole up your back.
SOOKIE: Oh, dear& that must be terribly uncomfortable. Can't you get down?
JASON: *Jason on pole -- Sookie standing in front of him -- they speak-- she moves around to the back of the pole* Down? No, you see, I'm& Well& I'm
SOOKIE: Oh, well, here& let me help you.
JASON: Oh, that's very kind of you& very kind.
SOOKIE: *Sookie examining the back of Jason as she tries to unfasten him* Well, oh, dear& I don't quite see&*Jason reacts, looks down at Sookie* how I can&
JASON: Of course, I'm not bright about doing things, but if you'll just& *Sookie starts to follow Jasons directions* bend the nail down in the back, maybe I'll slip off and...
SOOKIE: Oh& *turns the nail and Jason falls to the ground* ...yes.
*Jason falls -- Sookie questions him as he puts back some straw into his coat that had dropped out Jason rises, starts to whirl about*
JASON: Whoops! Ha-ha& there goes some of me again!
SOOKIE: Oh& does it hurt you?
JASON: Oh, no& I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again. My, it's good to be free! *Sookie screams as Jason whirls about and falls over the cornfield fence -- she rushes to him -- she kneels beside him -- they speak*
SOOKIE: Oh! Oh! Ohhh!
JASON: Did I scare you?
SOOKIE: No, No& I& I just thought you hurt yourself.
JASON: But I didn't scare you?
SOOKIE: No& of course not.
JASON: I didn't think so. *Jason and Sookie seated by fence -- a crow flies in from left and alights on Jasons shoulder -- Sookie reacts as she sees the crow* Boo! Scat! *crow hops to Jasons shoulder, picks up some of the Jason's straw and flies away with it Jason speaks to Sookie* Boo! You see, I can't even scare a crow! They come from miles around just to eat in my field and laugh in my face! Oh, I'm a failure, because I haven't got a brain.
SOOKIE: Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one?
*Jason sings -- Sookie rises, moves to him -- holds him up as he starts to fall*
JASON: Do? Why, if I had a brain, I could&
*sings*
I could while away the minutes,
Pondering the Inf'nites
And shit you can't explain.
And then I'd be the envy
Of your Einstein and Da Vinci
If I only had a brain.
I'd spend every evenin'
More than just mouth-breathin',
From wanking I'd abstain.
I'd get my jollies mocking
The cockups of Stephen Hawking
If I only had a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why
The word 'Iron''s got no rhyme,
And why you need no silencer
When you shoot a mime.
And how the bloody hell there is a
Victimless crime.
I would not be just some fucktard
Who can't think when his dick's hard,
His thoughts thus all in vain.
All your questions I could answer
And not wonder where my pants are
If I only had a brain.
SOOKIE: Wonderful! Why, if our Jason back in Bon Temps could do that, the hos'd be scared to pieces!
JASON: They would?
SOOKIE: Um-hmm.
JASON: Where's Bon Temps?
SOOKIE: That's where I live. And I want to get back there so badly I'm going all the way to HBO to get the Wizard of Odd to help me.
JASON: You're going to see a Wizard?
SOOKIE: Um-hmm.
JASON: Do you think if I went with you this Wizard would give me some brains?
SOOKIE: I couldn't say. But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you are now.
JASON: Yes& that's true.
SOOKIE: But maybe you'd better not. I've got a bitch mad at me, and you might get into trouble.
JASON: Bitch? Huh! I'm not afraid of a bitch! I'm not afraid of anything& except a lighted match.
SOOKIE: I don't blame you for that.
JASON: But I'd face a whole box full of them for the chance of getting some brains. Look& I won't be any trouble, because I don't eat a thing& and I won't try to manage things, because I can't think. Won't you take me with you?
SOOKIE: Why, of course I will!
*Sookie and the Jason rise from the road -- Jason jumps up -- yells -- Sookie holds him up -- they speak -- they start to sing -- they walk down the road and exit to b.g.*
JASON: Hooray! We're off to see a Wizard!
SOOKIE: Oh& well& you're not starting out very well.
JASON: Oh, I'll try! Really, I will.
SOOKIE: To Odd?
JASON: To Odd!
BOTH
*sing*
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
The Wizard of Odd
Is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd!
*Sookie comes forward as she picks up apples she sees on the ground-- she starts to pick up two apples -- she sees a tin foot -- reacts -- examines it -- she stands up by Eric -- Jason comes in from left -- they examine him -- he tries to speak*
SOOKIE: Why, it's a man! A man made encased in tin!
JASON: What?
SOOKIE: Yes. Oh& look
ERIC: Silver bullets& silver bullets...
SOOKIE: Did you say something?
ERIC: Suck them out...
JASON: Are you kidding me?
SOOKIE: Silver bullets? Oh& oh, here they are! *Jason and Sookie examine Eric -- he tries to speak* Where do you want to be sucked first?
ERIC: My mouth& my mouth!
JASON: He said his mouth.
SOOKIE: Here *she sucks him about the mouth* here
JASON: The other side&
SOOKIE: Yes& there.
ERIC: *tries to speak -- squeaks out a few sounds* Mm.....mm...mm....
*Sookie and Jason listen as Eric starts to speak -- Sookie starts to pull the axe arm of Eric down -- Jason pulls silver chains off of him*
ERIC: ...m...m...my, my, my, my goodness& I can talk again! Oh& suck my arms, please& suck my elbows.
*Jason lowers the right arm of Eric so that it hangs naturally -- Sookie busy sucking -- Eric begins his story*
ERIC: Oh&
SOOKIE: Oh, did that hurt?
ERIC: No& it feels wonderful. I've held that axe up for ages. Oh&
SOOKIE: Oh, goodness! How did you ever get like this?
ERIC: Oh& well, about a year ago& I was chopping that tree, wearing this tin suit so I can be in the sunlight& minding my own business& when suddenly it started to rain silver bullets and chains&*Jason and Sookie listen to Eric -- he grows weak --they work his arms back and forth -- Jason removes chains for him -- Sookie sucks on Erics chest -- they react -- Eric explains, then steps backward toward tree* and right in the middle of a chop, I&I rusted solid. And I've been that way ever since.
SOOKIE: Well, you're perfect now. Especially your butt.
ERIC: Suck...my neck. Suck...my neck. Perfect? Oh& listen to my chest if you think I'm perfect. Go ahead& listen to it!
JASON: Beautiful! Silence is golden!
ERIC: It's dead. Being a vampire leaves me without a beating heart.
SOOKIE AND JASON: No beating heart?
ERIC: No beating heart.
*Eric falls back as Jason and Sookie enter to help him he holds them off -- begins to sing*
ERIC
*sings*
When a man's an empty chalice,
He feels not joy nor malice,
Nor sniggers at a fart.
A pulse I might be feelin'
And my blood might stop congealin'
If I only had a heart.
*Eric leans over toward Sookie and sings -- then leans back*
ERIC
*sings*
I'd be tender& I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding Love and Art
I'd be friends with sparrows&
*Sookie and Jason listening to Eric -- he comes forward slightly -- reacts as he hears Juliet's Voice o.s. -- then continues with song*
ERIC*sings*
...And the boy who shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.
Picture me....a balcony....Above a voice sings low.
JULIETS VOICE
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
ERIC
*sings*
I hear a beat&how sweet!
Just to register emotion
Jealousy& Devotion&
And really feel the part,
So if I were but given,
A way to go on livin',
A certain body part.
Though I'd quite prefer it not be
From some mangled tart called Daphne
If I only had a heart!
*Eric sits down -- Sookie reacts, speaks with him -- Jason enters from left -- Sookie sucks on Eric some more, then asks him to go to the HBO, too -- then all react as the Bitch laughs -- they rise to their feet and see the Bitch standing on the roof of Erics cottage*
ERIC: I'm afraid I'm a little rusty yet.
SOOKIE: Oh, dear& That was wonderful! You know& we were just wondering why you couldn't come to HBO with us to ask the Wizard of Odd for a heart.
ERIC: HBO? Why, that's a long and dangerous journey. And it might rain on the way.
JASON: But you've just been saying how much you want a heart.
SOOKIE: And I'll keep sucking those bullets out.
ERIC: Well, suppose the Wizard wouldn't get me one when we got there?
SOOKIE: Oh, but he will! He must! We've come such a long way already. *Maenad laughs*
ERIC: Oh& what's that? Oh&
MAENAD: You call that long? Why, you've just begun! Forgotten about me, eh? Well, I haven't forgotten about you! Helping the little lady along, are you, my fine gentlemen? Well, stay away from her, whatever she is! *Maenad points at Jason* Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!
MAENAD: And you! *Maenad points at Eric -- Eric points to the trembling Jason -- then Eric reacts -- points to himself* I'll use you for a bee-hive! *she laughs, speaks, throws a ball of fire* Here, Jason! Want to play ball?
*Sookie, Eric, Jason standing at left as the Maenad on the roof throws down a ball of fire at them -- she laughs gleefully -- Maenad speaks to Sookie*
MAENAD: And as for you, my little... whatever you are, I wish... *Eric putting out the fire as Sookie helps Jason, who is rolling about in the grass - Sookie reacts as Maenad speaks -- she hugs Dean tightly* you luck with the Wizard of Odd. And a happy journey back to Merlottes!
*The Maenad laughs -- sits on her broomstick in a position to fly away -- smoke fills the air, obscuring Maenad from sight -- Ext. Forrest -- Sookie holding Dean in her arms watching the cloud of smoke as Maenad disappears -- Eric, Sookie and Jason looking -- Eric and Jason speak -- snap their fingers -- Eric reacts to buzzing sound*
JASON: I'm not afraid of her. I'll see you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not! Stuff a mattress with me! Hah!
ERIC: I'll see you reach the Wizard, whether I get a heart of not. Bee-hive& bah! Let her try and make a bee-hive out of me!
SOOKIE: It's&just that the Maenad Bitch is so wicked. I don't think you two ought to come with me because you'll get into trouble.
JASON: Oh, you don't think we're going to stand by and let her get away with fireballs and bees, do you?
ERIC: No, sir!
JASON: No, sir!
SOOKIE: Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had! And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known you all the time. But I couldn't have, could I?
JASON: I don't see how. You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together, were you?
ERIC: And I was standing over there rusting for the longest time.
SOOKIE: Still, I wish I could remember. But, I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?
JASON: That's right.
ERIC: We do.
JASON: To Odd?
ERIC: To Odd!
*Jason, Sookie and Eric dance down to brick road -- Jason picks up basket -- they dance forward -- then turn and go up road*
THE THREE
*sing*
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was.
If ever, oh ever a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Odd is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd!
--
Edited by InsolentWretch at 09/18/2009 8:52 PM PDT
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Posts:
289
Registered:
10/27/05
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(2 of 29)
Sep 15, 2009 4:57 PM
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*Sookie's and Dean's footprints in dirt road -- they walk down road to b.g. -- Sookie carrying suitcase and basket --Sookie and Dean walk across bridge-- Sookie looks down to campsite Dean runs forward down path Sookie reads lettering on wagon*
LAFAYETTE
REYNOLDS
ACCLAIMED BY
The CROWNED HEADS of EUROPE
Let Him Read Your PAST - PRESENT and FUTURE
In His Crystal
Also Juggling, Sleight of Hand and V Juice
Internet Stripping by Appointment Only
*Sookie reads sign -- reacts to Lafayette humming -- Lafayette steps down out of wagon -- sees Sookie -- speaks to her as he crosses to fire at left -- Sookie comes forward*
LAFAYETTE: Well, well, well& house guests, huh? And who might you be? No, no& now don't tell me.
*Lafayette sits by fire -- Sookie comes forward -- they speak*
LAFAYETTE: Let's see& you& you travelling in disguise. No, that aint right. I& you& you going on a visit. No, I'm wrong. That's...You& runnin away.
SOOKIE: How did you guess?
LAFAYETTE: Lafayette never guesses, he know! Now, why you runnin away?
SOOKIE: Why&
LAFAYETTE: No, no& now don't tell me. They& they don't understands you at home. They don't appreciates you. You want to see other lands& big cities& big mountains& big oceans
SOOKIE: Why, it's just like you could read what was inside of me.
*Lafayette and Sookie by fire -- Lafayette roasting wiener on stick*
LAFAYETTE: Yes
SOOKIE: Please, Lafayette, why can't we go along with you?
*Dean enters -- bites wiener off stick*
SOOKIE: Oh, Dean, that's not polite! We haven't been asked yet.
*Dean in front of them eating wiener -- Lafayette laughs and speaks -- puts another wiener on stick*
LAFAYETTE: He's perfectly welcome. As one dog to another, huh? Here now& let's see where were we? *Lafayette puts stick down at left* Oh, yes& you& you wanted to go home, huh?
SOOKIE: Oh, no, I wanted to go along with you. Nobody cares about me at home. They wouldn't even miss me.
LAFAYETTE: Aw, come, come, come
SOOKIE: No, they won't& honestly. Vampire Bill was even going to let them kill Dean earlier for biting Maryanne. Oh, please, Lafayette, why can't we go with you and see all the Crowned Heads of Europe?
LAFAYETTE: Do you know any? Oh, you mean the thing&Yes, well, I& I never do anything without consulting my crystal first. Let's& go inside here& we'll& Just come along. I'll show you. There you is& right in there.
*Lafayette rises -- he and Sookie cross to right to wagon -- Int. Wagon -- Sookie and Lafayette come in -- Lafayette moves chair up for Sookie -- then lights candles --sits down -- puts on turban -- speaks to Sookie -- she closes her eyes --he takes her basket -- looks thru it -- takes out a photograph*
LAFAYETTE: That's right. Here, sit right down here. That's it. Ha ha! This, this is the same genuine, magic, authentic crystal used by the Priests of Isis and Osiris in the days of the Pharaohs of Egypt, in which Cleopatra first saw the approach of Julius Caesar and Marc Anthony, and, and so on, and so on. Now, you, you better close yo eyes, honey child, for a moment, in order to be better in tune with the infinite. We, we can't do these things without...*looks at photograph of Sookie and Vampire Bill* reaching out into the infinite. Yes. *puts photograph on chair - Sookie opens her eyes -- looks into the crystal* That's& that's all right. Now you can open them. We'll gaze into the crystal. Ah& what's this I see? A house& with a picket fence... and a barn& with a weather vane and& of a& of a running horse. *Lafayette looks into crystal* No& it's& it's& a crowing rooster.
SOOKIE: That's our farm!
LAFAYETTE: Oh& yes. *looks into crystal -- then looks down at photograph* Yes, there's& there's a man& he's... *puts the photograph away again looks into crystal* ...he's got fangs... his face is ashen, bloodless.
SOOKIE: Yes&That's Vampire Bill.
LAFAYETTE: His& his name William.
SOOKIE: That's right. What's he doing?
LAFAYETTE: Well, I& I can't quite see. Why, he's crying. Someone has hurt him& someone jus about broke his heart.
SOOKIE: Me?
LAFAYETTE: Well, it's& it's someone he loves very much. Someone he's been very kind to. Someone he's taken care of when they sick.
SOOKIE: I had the shit kicked out of me by redneck drainers once& and he stayed right by me every minute. Even gave me his own blood to drink.
LAFAYETTE: Uh-huh.
SOOKIE: What's he doing now?
LAFAYETTE: *looks into crystal* Well, he's - he's going into a little dark& hole& Eh& he's& What's this? Why, he's& he's putting his hand on his heart& he's& he's dropping down in the...hole.
SOOKIE: Oh, no& no!
LAFAYETTE: That's all& the Crystal's gone dark.
SOOKIE: Oh, you& you don't suppose he could really be sick, do you? * jumps up -- picks up her basket* Oh& Oh, I've got to go home right away!
LAFAYETTE: But& what's this? I thought you was goin along with me.
SOOKIE: Oh, no, no, I have to get to him right away *Sookie picks up Dean -- she comes forward down steps -- she speaks to Dean -- reacts -- she runs -- picks up suitcase -- puts Dean to ground -- both run up hill -- wind blowing leaves around* Come on, Dean! Oh, what'll I do? If we go home, they'll send you to the One Who Comes. And if we don't, Vampire Bill may& well, he may die! I know what I'll do& I'll give you to Jason. He'll watch out for you. But we've got to hurry. Goodbye, Lafayette Reynolds& and thanks a lot!
LAFAYETTE: *Lafayette comes out of wagon -- Tara lounging by fire --wind blowing -- Lafayette looks around -- starts out left with Tara* Best get under cover, hooker --there's a storm blowing up -- a whopper, to speak in the vernacular of the peasantry. Po little skank -- I hope she get home all right.
*Farm Yard -- chickens fly down into yard -- run to b.g. toward barn-- wind blowing weeds and dust -- Charlaine Harris runs forward -- speaks to Jason -- Jason exits into barn at left, surrounded by girls - Charlaine Harris comes forward -- Andy in b.g. runs forward Eric exits into barn*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Jason, let them whores loose! Go on, hurry up! Hurry up, I tell you!
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *points up to sky -- Jason and others drive horses out of barn* She's here&*swig from bottle* it's a twister!
*The Stackhouse Farm -- Cyclone approaching -- Vampire Bill runs out of house -- cups hands to his mouth, calls -- runs to corner of house calls*
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie! Sookie!
*Sookie and Dean near fence -- Sookie looks to house -- Charlaine Harris, Jason, Eric and Andy -- they turn the whores loose -- it runs out right*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Come on& everybody in the storm cellar!
*Sookie and Dean moving forward against the wind -- weeds and sticks blowing thru -- Sookie stops -- picks up Dean -- Vampire Bill on porch Queen Sophie -- Jason -- Andy and Eric run in -- Vampire Bill calls again -- then all start into storm cellar*
VAMPIRE BILL: Charlaine Harris! Charlaine Harris! I can't find Sookie! She's somewhere out in the storm! Sookie!
*Sookie carrying Dean -- pushes gate open -- makes her way thru wind -- she goes up on to porch of house -- chair and things blow off the porch -- Sookie opens screen door -- the door blows off -- Sookie exits into house -- Andy and Jason exit into storm cellar -- close the cellar door -- Sookie in Living room -- she runs across room-- calls -- she hurries forward to kitchen - then exits door left*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill! Vampire Bill!
*The Stackhouse farm -- the Cyclone approaching*
*Sookie sitting on edge of bed -- holding Dean in her arms - the window blows loose -- hits Sookie on the head -- she falls to floor -then gets up dazed -- sits on edge of bed - Dean jumps up near her - she lies back on bed*
*The Stackhouse Farm -- Cyclone hits it -- swirling dust circles house -- The house spinning up thru dust -- other wreckage flying thru*
*Sookie lying on bed -- opens her eyes -- looks around*
*Sookie and Dean on bed -- Sookie sits up -- she sits up -- looks out window -- sees trees, furniture, etc. flying thru*
SOOKIE: *looking out window -- turns -- speaks to Dean* We're not on the ground, Dean!
*Sookie looks thru window -- Chicken coop flies thru -- then Adele Stackhouse sitting in rocking chair -- Bubba floats thru - Bubba singing*
*Dean barks -- jumps down off the bed -- Bubba singing -- Dean crawls under bed*
*Sookie sitting on bed -- looking out window -- reacts as various things float thru - Quinn, the were-tiger, floats by wearing MC Hammer pants - he waves to Sookie -- Sookie waves back*
QUINN: Hey, babe.
*Dean looks out from under bed - Bubba sings -- Dean darts back under the bed -- Sookie looks through window - Claude and Claudine float thru, Claude pole dancing, Claudine knits baby clothes -- Sookie rises, looks on curiously -- Sookie looks thru window - Alcide Herveaux floats thru, changes into a wolf, he howls -- Sookie reacts -- turns*
SOOKIE: We must be up inside& the cyclone.
*Dean looks out from under bed -- Sookie looking out window -- she sits on edge of bed -- looking out window -- Maryann floats in -- riding her bicycle -- Sookie reacts -- looks down to Dean -- Maryann moves in closer to window -- her bicycle changes to broomstick-- her clothes into the flying robe and pointed hat -- Sookie looking -- puts her hands over her eyes -- Sookie lies face down on the bed -- Maryann floating disappears*
*swirling funnel of the cyclone -- the house spins in apart from the cyclone -- Sookie holding Dean in her arms - throws herself down on the bed screams -- Sookie and Dean lying on bed -- house spinning - Sookie screams -- The house whirls in at top -- The house floating down thru clouds -- Sookie and Dean lying on bed -- the house crashes to ground -- Sookie screams -- she looks around -- then gets up off the bed -- picks up the basket -- opens door*
*Sookie walks forward -- looking around -- she walks exits*
*Int. Farm House -- Sookie opens the door to reveal the Fangtasia parking lot in Shreveport -- Sookie looks around confused by it all -- Sookie with Dean in her arms looks about the parking lot and speaks -- Vampires rise and watch her*
SOOKIE: Dean& I've a feeling we're not in Bon Temps anymore. *Sookie with Dean in her arms -- looks about and speaks* We must be over the rainbow! *Sookie puts Dean down to the ground -- Pam floats inside a pink bubble and lands -- Pam looks to Sookie -- Sookie looks at Pam* Now I& I know we're not in Bon Temps.
PAM: Are you a good bitch, or a bad bitch?
SOOKIE: Who, me? Why, I'm not a bitch at all. I'm Sookie Stackhouse from Bon Temps, Louisiana. I work at Merlottes Bar.
PAM: Oh! Well& is that the Bitch?
SOOKIE: Who, Dean? Dean's a shifter. In human form his name is Sam.
PAM: Well, I'm a little muddled. The Vampires called me because a new bitch has just dropped a house on Lorena, the Lovesick Bitch of the East. And there's the house, and here you are, and that's all... *Gestures to Lorenas feet protruding from under the farm house* that's left of Lorena, the Lovesick Bitch of the East. And so what the Vampires want to know...is, are you a good bitch, or a bad bitch?
SOOKIE: *Sookie speaks -- reacts to noise* Oh, but I've already told you, I'm not a bitch at all& bitches are old and ugly. What was that?
PAM: The Fangtasians. They're laughing because I am a bitch. I'm Pam, the Bitch of the North.
SOOKIE: *looks to Pam -- reacts -- speaks curtsies* You are! Oh, I beg your pardon! But I've never heard of a beautiful bitch before.
PAM: Only bad bitches are ugly. The Vampires are happy because you have freed them from the Lovesick Bitch of the East.
SOOKIE: Oh. But, if you please& what are Fangtasians?
PAM: The dead people who reside in this land& its Shreveport and you are their local heroine, my dear. It's all right& you may all come out and thank her. It's all right now& you may all come out.
*Vampires enter from behind flowers*
PAM: *sings*
Come out, come out, wherever you are
And meet the young lady who fell from a bar.
*Sookie and Pam -- Dean with them -- Vampires enter -- Pam leads Sookie*
PAM: *sings*
She fell from the sky, she fell very far.
And Merlottes she says is the name of the bar.
*Vampires -- one rises from manhole in street -- they move forward*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Merlottes she says is the name of the bar.
*Sookie, Pam and Dean -- Vampires watch them as they move to pond*
PAM: *sings*
She brings you good news. Or haven't you heard?
When she fell out of Merlottes, a miracle occurred.
*Pam and Sookie standing by the pond -- Vampires in b.g.*
SOOKIE: *sings*
It really was no miracle. What happened was just this:
The wind began to switch -- the house to pitch
And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.
Just then, the bitch -- to satisfy an itch
Went flying on her broomstick thumbing for...
*Vampire dances forward -- others behind him move to him*
SOOKIE: *sings*
...a hitch.
VAMPIRE:
And oh, what happened then was rich!
SEVERAL VAMPIRES:
The house began to pitch
The kitchen took a slitch
VAMPIRES: *sing*
It landed on the Lovesick Bitch
In the middle of a ditch
Which was not a healthy situation
For the Lovesick Bitch.
*Vampires dance and sing -- Pam and Sookie enter at right*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
The house began to pitch
The kitchen took a slitch
It landed on the Lovesick Bitch in the middle of a ditch
Which
Was not a healthy...
*Carriage drawn by ponies comes forward -- Vampires gather around -- Sookie and Pam at right*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
...sitch-
Uation for
The Lovesick Bitch,
Who
Began to twitch
And was reduced
To just a stitch
Of what was once...
*Pam and Sookie -- Vampires in b.g. -- Sookie starts to move forward*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
...The Lovesick Bitch!
*Carriage, Pam, Sookie and Vampires -- Sookie moves to the carriage and is helped in -- Vampires sing and dance -- Sookie in carriage facing Vampires in b.g. -- one steps forward from crowd and speaks -- another follows and speaks -- Sookie turns to Pam as she speaks*
SIGEBERT: We thank you very sweetly. For doing it so neatly.
WYBERT: You've killed her so completely. That we thank you very sweetly.
PAM: Let the joyous news be spread *Pam looks to f.g. and speaks -- Vampires in b.g.* The Lovesick Old Bitch at last is dead!
*Sookie in carriage -- Pam standing on dais at left carriage moves toward b.g. followed by procession of soldiers led by Sigebert and Wybert, the queens body guards -- carriage turns and comes toward f.g. -- Vampires sing and dance*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Ding Dong! The Lovesick Bitch is dead.
Which old Bitch?
The Lovesick Bitch!
Ding Dong! The Lovesick Bitch is dead.
Wake up, you sleepy head.
Rub your eyes
Get out of bed.
Wake up, the Lovesick...
*Sookie in carriage - she exits right as procession of soldiers enter and march to right*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
...Bitch is dead!
She's gone where the Goblins go
Below...Below...Below
Yo ho, let's open up and sing
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong! The merry-oh!
Sing it high
Sing it low
Let them know
The Lovesick Bitch is dead!
* Carriage with Vampires following -- carriage comes forward to steps at right -- Queen Sophie enters and comes forward followed by Andre and Queens bodyguards -- Queen Sophie moves to carriage -- Sookie steps from the carriage and Queen Sophie leads Sookie to Andre and Queens bodyguards -- turns and speaks -- Andre and Bodyguards and Queen Sophie sing*
QUEEN SOPHIE: As Queen of Louisiana In the made up Parish of Renard, I welcome you most regally& Yahtzee!
MR. CATALIADES: But we've got to verify it legally. To see...
QUEEN SOPHIE: To see?
ANDRE: If she...
QUEEN SOPHIE: If she?
DIANTHA: Ismorallyethic'lyspirituallyphysicallypositivelyabsolutely
ALL OF GROUP: Undeniably and reliably dead!
*Pam on dais of fountain -- she smiles -- Dr. Ludwig moves up steps -- she moves to Queen Sophie and Sookie -- unrolls scroll and sings --scroll reads: CERTIFICATE OF DEATH*
DR. LUDWIG: *sings*
As Coroner, I must aver
I thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead,
She's really, most sincerely dead.
QUEEN SOPHIE: *steps forward and looks to the f.g.* Then this is a day of Independence for all the Vampires and their descendants! Yes, let the joyous news be spread. *Queen Sophie, Sookie, Andre, Sigebert and Wybert and Vampires gathered at steps -- Queen Sophie speaks -- Vampires cheer and dance* The Lovesick Old Bitch at last is dead!
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Ding Dong! The Bitch is dead.
Which old bitch?
The Lovesick Bitch!
*Vampires move up steps to the left vampires sleeping in nest -- Vampires come forward from between coffins and sing and dance*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Ding Dong! The Lovesick Bitch is dead!
Wake up, you sleepy head!
Rub your eyes,
Get out of bed.
Wake up, the Lovesick Bitch is dead!
She's gone where the Goblins go
Below...below...below.
Yo ho, let's open up and sing,
And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong! The merry-oh!
Sing it high,
Sing it low.
Let them know
The Lovesick Bitch is dead!
*Vampire soldiers parade and march -- they come forward -- Sookie, Queen Sophie and others entered on steps at right --others in b.g. -- Sigebert and Wybert lined up before steps - three fangbangers move in through line of soldiers stopping by Sookie standing on steps-- they dance and sing*
FANGBANGERS: *sing*
We represent the Fangbanger League, the Fangbanger League,
The Fangbanger League
And in the name of the Fangbanger League
We wish to welcome you to Fangtasia.
*Long Shadow, Chow and Charles Twining enter from the left -- they look to r.f.g. and sing and dance*
LONG SHADOW, CHOW AND CHARLES TWINING: *sing*
We represent the Bartender Guild, the Bartender Guild,
The Bartender Guild
And in the name of the Bartender Guild
*Long Shadow, Chow and Charles Twining sing and give rude hand signals to Sookie standing on steps at right -- they move to other Vampires in b.g.*
LONG SHADOW, CHOW AND CHARLES TWINING: *sing*
We wish to ban you forever from Fangtasia.
VAMPIRES: *sing*
We ban you from Fangtasia
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la tra la la
Tra la la la la la la
*Sookie standing with Queen, Andre and Sigebert and Wybert -- she turns from one to the other as they sing*
QUEEN SOPHIE:
From now on you'll be history
ANDRE
You'll be hist...
SIGEBERT
You'll be hist...
QUEEN SOPHIE
You'll be history
BARTENDER GUILD
And we will vilify your name
QUEEN SOPHIE
You'll be a bust...
ANDRE
Be a bust...
WYBERT
Be a bust...
GROUP
In the hall of fame!
*Sookie, Queen Sophie, Mr. Cataliades, Diantha, Sigebert and Wybert -- they come forward -- Pam enters -- Vampires gather before Pam and Sigebert and Wybert and Sookie and sing --smoke cloud appears and Maenad Bitch enters -- Vampires react*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Tra la la la la
Tra la la tra la la
Tra la la la la la
*Maenad looks to Vampires -- Vampires in b.g. -- react and run -- Maenad looks to farm house -- she looks at Bitch of the East's feet protruding from under the farm house -- Ext. Fangtasia of Shreveport -- Sookie holding Dean as she watches -- is frightened -- speaks with Pam*
SOOKIE: I thought you said she was dead.
PAM: That was her sister& the Lovesick Bitch of the East. This is the Maenad Bitch of the West. And she's worse than the other one was.
MAENAD: *turns away from the farm house -- she goes to Sookie and Pam -- the Vampires are prostrate on the ground in b.g. -- Maenad speaks with Pam and Sookie* Who killed my sister? Who killed the Lovesick Bitch of the East? Was it you? Answer me!
PAM: Leave her alone!
MAENAD: You stay out of this! I'm here for vengeance! *Maenad speaks to Sookie -- waves her broomstick about* So it was you, was it? You killed her, didn't you?
SOOKIE: No& No! It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill anybody! Really I didn't!
MAENAD: Didn't mean it, eh? Accident, eh? What are you anyway? Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too, and this is how I do it!
PAM: Aren't you forgetting the shifter slippers?
MAENAD: *Vampires on the ground in b.g. - Maenad reacts as Pam speaks - she turns, goes back to the wrecked farm house* The shifter slippers& yes...the shifter slippers! I can summon He Who Comes!
*The Lovesick Bitch of the East's legs protruding from underneath the wrecked house -- the shifter slippers disappear and the stockings are drawn back under the house*
MAENAD: *reacts as she looks down -- then turns, looks back speaks* They're gone! *kneeling down by the house* The shifter slippers! What have you done with them? Give them back to me, or I'll&
PAM: *maenad rises, Pam stops her, points down to Sookies feet* It's too late! There they are, and there they'll stay!
*The shifter slippers on Sookies feet -- Pam's wand points to them -- Sookie reacts as she looks down -- gasps as she looks at the Maenad, then up at Pam*
SOOKIE: Oh!
MAENAD: Give me back my shifter slippers! I'm the only one that knows how to use them. They're of no use to you! Give them back to me! Give them back!
PAM: Keep tight inside of them& their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want them so badly!
MAENAD: *rises, threatens Sookie -- Pam laughs, speaks - the Maenad reacts, looks up -- then continues to threaten Sookie* You stay out of this, Pam, or I'll fix you as well!
PAM: Oh, rubbish! I should keep them myself since you owe me a pair of heels, bitch. *laughs* You have no power here. Be gone, before somebody drops a house on you, too.
MAENAD: Very well& I'll bide my time& and as for you, my fine whatever you are, it's true, I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like, but just try to stay out of my way just try! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! *laughs*
*The Maenad backs away from Sookie and Pam -- she laughs menacingly -- the Vampires hug the ground with fear -- the Maenad disappears in a cloud of fire and smoke -- Pam speaks to the Vampires*
PAM: It's all right. You can get up, she's gone.
*The Vampires all rise, start to move toward Pam and Sookie as Pam speaks to them*
PAM: It's all right. You can all get up.
*Pam speaks the Vampires enter, crowd about the two -- they bow as Pam mentions the Wizard of Odd - Pam and Sookie move down steps of fountain dais -- Pam instructs Sookie, kisses her on the forehead -- Sookie walks through the Vampires to the start of the road*
PAM: Pooh& what a smell of rotten kobe! I'm afraid you've made rather a bad enemy of the Maenad Bitch of the West. The sooner you get out of Odd altogether, the safer you'll sleep, my dear.
SOOKIE: Oh, I'd give anything to get out of Odd altogether& but which is the way back to Bon Temps? I can't go the way I came.
PAM: No& that's true. The only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Odd himself!
SOOKIE: The Wizard of Odd? Is he good or is he wicked?
PAM: Oh, very good, but very mysterious. He lives at HBO, and that's a long journey from here. Did you bring your broomstick with you?
SOOKIE: No, I'm afraid I didn't.
PAM: Well, then, you'll have to walk. The Vampires will see you safely to the border of Shreveport. And remember, never let those shifter slippers off your feet for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Maenad Bitch of the West.
SOOKIE: But, how do I start for HBO?
PAM: It's always best to start at the beginning& and all you do is follow development code.
SOOKIE: *Sookie turns, starts to speak to Pam* But& what does that mean?
PAM: Just follow development code. *floats away in a pink bubble*
*Sookie looks up, open-mouthed with astonishment -- she speaks -- she starts to follow the Yellow Brick Road- she walks around it -- the Queen steps in, speaks to her -- other Vampires speak -- Sookie progresses along the road -- other Vampires give her advice*
SOOKIE: My! People come and go so quickly here! Follow development code. Follow development code?
QUEEN SOPHIE: Follow development code.
ANDRE: Follow development code.
SIGEBERT AND WYBERT: Follow development code.
MR. CATALIADES: *smile full of sharp teeth* Follow development code.
*Vampires all grouped along the border of the road -- they sing while Sookie walks around the road*
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Follow development code.
Follow development code.
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow development code.
Follow development
Follow development
*Sookie comes forward down the Vampire-lined road --she dances, skips along -- Vampires entered lined up along the road -- all greet her, then follow her down the road -- Sookie passes through the gates of Shreveport and exits -- the Vampires stop at the gates*
SOOKIE: But, I dont know what that means&
VAMPIRES: *sing*
Follow development code.
You're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Odd
Is one because
Because, because, because, because, because...
Because of the wonderful things he does....
You're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Odd!
*Sookie dances down the road to the b.g. - Vampires in the f.g. sing to her -- she turns, waves to them -- they wave back and Sookie continues on down the road as the Vampires cheer*
--
Edited by InsolentWretch at 09/18/2009 8:51 PM PDT
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Posts:
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Registered:
10/27/05
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(1 of 29)
Sep 15, 2009 4:35 PM
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The Wizard of Oz with the characters of True Blood, the books and the series. Just for fun. Hope you enjoy.
The Wizard Of Odd
*Sookie stoops down to Dean -- speaks to him -- then runs down road -- Dean following*
SOOKIE: She isn't coming yet, Dean. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on, we'll go tell Charlaine Harris and Vampire Bill. Come on, Dean.
*Farm yard -- Sookie enters left along road -- Dean following her -- she comes forward thru gate -- runs forward to Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working at computer*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill! Vampire Bill!
*Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris working with vampire profiles in computer -- Sookie runs in -- speaks to them -- Sookie picks up computer disk -- Vampire Bill and Sookie come forward -- Vampire Bill puts disk in computer -- then back to virus scan -- Charlaine Harris looks at her*
SOOKIE: Vampire Bill!
VAMPIRE BILL: Fifty-seven, fifty-eight?
SOOKIE: Just listen to what Maryann did to Dean! She?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, please! We're trying to count! Fifty-eight
SOOKIE: Oh, but Vampire Bill, she hit him over the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Don't bother us now, honey, this old computer's gone bad, and we're likely to lose a lot of our data.
SOOKIE: Y- you went with Vista, huh? Oh, but Vampire Bill, Maryann hit Dean right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets in her garden and chases her nasty old pig every day.
VAMPIRE BILL: Seventy, Sookie, please!
SOOKIE: Oh, but he doesn't do it every day, just once or twice a week. And he can't catch her old pig, anyway. And now she says she's gonna get the One Who Comes, and?
VAMPIRE BILL: Sookie, Sookie! We're busy!
SOOKIE: Oh, all right.
VAMPIRE BILL: *Vampire Bill and Charlaine Harris taking disk out of computer * Poor little orphan, and her Maryann troubles. Gosh all hemlock, you know, she ought to have somebody to play with. You could write her a friend?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I could, but we all got to work out our own problems, Vampire Bill.
VAMPIRE BILL: Yes. I hope we got these vampire profiles in time.
*Andy, Jason and Eric working on plot device -- Eric and Andy lowering bed of plot device into place*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: How's she coming?
JASON STACKHOUSE: Take it easy. *Jason on ground, drinks a whole vial of v juice -- gets priapism* Ow! I got gout of the dick!
ERIC NORTHMAN: I could drain the blood for you. *fangy grin*
SOOKIE: Andy, what am I going to do about Maryann? Just because Dean chases her old pig...
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Listen, honey, I got them hogs to get in. C?mere pig!!!
JASON STACKHOUSE: Now lookit, Sookie, you ain't using your head about Maryann. Think you didn't have any brains at all.
SOOKIE: I have so got brains, but I get better tips if I act like I don?t have ?em.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, why don't you use them when you?re not working? When you come home, don't go by Maryann?s place. Then Dean won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
SOOKIE: Oh, Jason, you just won't listen, that's all.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Listen, Sookie, don't let Jason kid you about Maryann. She's just a poor sour-blooded old maid that, she ain't got no heart left. You know, you should have a little more heart yourself, and have pity on her.
SOOKIE: Well, gee, I try and have a heart.
*Andy driving pigs into pen, carrying a liquor bottle, takes swigs as punctuation -- Sookie enters in b.g. walks along railing of pen -- Andy pours feed into trough*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Say pig! *swig from bottle* Get in there before I make a dime bank out of you! Listen, kid, are you going to let that old Maryann heifer try and buffalo you? *pours feed in trough* She ain't nothing to be afraid of. *swig from bottle* Have a little courage, that's all.
SOOKIE: *walking along railing between pig pens* I'm not afraid of her.
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: *picks up another bucket of feed -- pours it into trough* Then the next time she squawks, *swig from bottle* walk right up to her and spit in her eye. *swig from bottle* That's what I'd do!
SOOKIE: *on railing -- loses her balance -- falls into pig pen* Oh!
*Andy jumps into pen(swig from bottle) ?- takes Sookie 's foot out of wire(swig from bottle) -- then picks her up(swig from bottle) -- he carries her out of pen(swig from bottle) -- puts her down with Jason and Eric ? Andy jumps out of pen(swig from bottle) -- sits down (swig from bottle) -- wipes his brow (swig from bottle) *
SOOKIE: Oh! Oh, Andy! Help! Help me, Andy! Get me out of here! Help!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Are you all right, Sookie?
SOOKIE: Yes, I'm all right. Oh, I fell in and, and Andy
*Andy, Sookie, Jason and Eric all look at Andy -- they laugh ?- Charlaine Harris enters with plate of crullers -- they speak -- Jason and Eric each take cruller -- Charlaine Harris comes forward to Andy and Sookie -- he speaks to Andy -- Sookie and Charlaine Harris walk to b.g. -- Sookie takes cruller ? Charlaine Harris runs to b.g.*
SOOKIE: Why, Andy, you're just as scared as I am!
JASON STACKHOUSE: What's the matter, gonna let a little old pig make a coward out of you?
ERIC NORTHMAN: Look at you, Andy, you're just as white as I am?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Here, here, what's all this jabber-wapping when there's work to be done? I know three shiftless characters that'll be written out of the series before they know it!
ERIC NORTHMAN: Well, Sookie was walking along the?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: I saw you ogling that erection, Eric. Now, you and Jason get back to that plot device!
ERIC NORTHMAN: All right, Charlaine Harris. But some day they're going to erect a statue to me in this town, and?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Well, don't start posing for it now. Here, here, can't work on an empty stomach. Have some crullers.
JASON STACKHOUSE: Gosh, Charlaine Harris. Swell.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Just fried.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Thanks. *tosses cruller aside, waggles eyebrows at Jason, shows fang*
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: You see, *swig from bottle* Sookie toppled in with the big Duroc...
CHARLAINE HARRIS: It's no place for Sookie about a pig sty! Now you go feed those hogs before they worry themselves into anemia!
DETECTIVE ANDY BELLEFLEUR: Yes'am. Pig!!! *swig from bottle*
SOOKIE: Charlaine Harris, really, you know what Maryann said she was gonna do to Dean? She said she was gonna?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, Sookie, dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret over nothing. Maryann shouldn?t have a problem with Dean, he and Callisto got along just fine.
SOOKIE: No?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Now, you just help us out today, and find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble.
SOOKIE: Some place where there isn't any trouble. *mumbles aside* Well, it won?t be in any of YOUR books.
*Sookie tosses Dean a piece of the cruller -? Dean eats it -- Sookie speaks as she walks forward -- she sings -? leans against haystack -- then walks over near rake*
SOOKIE: Do you suppose there is such a place, Dean? There must be. It's not a place you can get written by a creative writer. It's far, far too drab, maybe a technical writer, or an academic?
SOOKIE: *sings to ?Over the Rainbow?*
Someone painless and gentle, calm and wise
There's an author I heard of, once who wrote lullabies.
Someone tedious and tiresome, boring too
Will write a world that I?ll live in, skin not black and blue?
...Someday I'll work inside a bar
Where no one bad will ever come to find me.
Where vengeful weres remain chagrinned
And evil faeries can?t come in to stab or bind me.
Someone writing a world where I can lie
In the sun unmolested eating shoofly pie
Heroines live without bruises
Why then? oh, why can't I?
If happy characters can have
A pain free life then
Why, oh, why can't I?
*Maryann rides along country road on bicycle -- Maryann rides forward to front of Stackhouse's home -- stops and gets off her bicycle as Charlaine Harris comes forward*
MARYANN FORRESTER: Charlaine Harris!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Howdy, Maryann.
MARYANN: I want to see you and your characters right away... about Sookie. What is she?
*Charlaine Harris and Maryann at gate -- they speak ? Charlaine Harris lets go of the gate -- it hits Maryann -- she reacts -- exits left -- Charlaine Harris puts paint brush down -- starts out left*
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Sookie? She?s a waitress. Well, what has Sookie done?
MARYANN: What's she done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg! And what IS she?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: You mean she bit you? And I said, she?s a waitress.
MARYANN: No, her dog! And her vampire, too I might add.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Oh, she bit her dog and her vampire, eh?
MARYANN: NO! *Int. Stackhouse Sitting room* That dog's a menace to the community. I'm taking him to the One Who Comes and make sure he's destroyed.
SOOKIE: Destroyed? Dean? Oh, you can't! You mustn't! Vampire Bill! Charlaine Harris! You won't let her, will you?
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Of course we won't. Will we, Bill?
SOOKIE: Please, Vampire Bill, Dean didn't mean to. He didn't know he was doing anything wrong. I'm the one that ought to be punished. I let him go in her garden. You can send me to bed without supper?
MARYANN: If you don't hand over that dog, I'll bring a damage suit that'll take your whole farm! There's a law protecting folks against dogs that bite!
VAMPIRE BILL: How would it be if she keeps him tied up? He's really gentle, with gentle people, that is.
MARYANN: Well, that's for the One Who Comes to decide. Here's his order allowing me to take him. Unless you want to go against an ancient God.
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Uh, no
VAMPIRE BILL: Now, we can't go against an ancient god, Sookie. I'm afraid poor Dean will have to go.
MARYANN: Now you're seeing reason.
SOOKIE: No?
MARYANN: *showing small basket* Here's what I'm taking him in, so he can't attack me again.
SOOKIE: Oh, no, no! I won't let you take him! You go away, you...! Ooh, I'll bite you myself!
VAMPIRE BILL: *aghast * Sookie!
SOOKIE: You wicked old witch! Charlaine Harris, Vampire Bill, don't let 'em take Dean! Don't let her take him, please!
MARYANN: Here! I've got an order! Let me have...
SOOKIE: Stop her!
CHARLAINE HARRIS: Put him in the basket, Bill.
MARYANN: The idea!
SOOKIE: Oh, don't, Charlaine Harris. Oh, Dean! Don't?
*Sookie crying -- looks to Vampire Bill -- then to Charlaine Harris then turns and runs out of the room *
*Maryann riding bicycle to left -- Dean sticks his head out of basket -- looks about -? then jumps out -- Dean jumps to ground -- he runs down road -- Maryann riding forward down dirt road on her bicycle -- she exits*
*Int. Sookie's room -- Sookie sitting on floor by bed -- crying -- Dean jumps in thru window and onto bed -- Sookie hugs him -- reacts -- speaks to him -- then takes suitcase from under bed-- starts packing it -- Dean barks*
SOOKIE: Dean, darling! Oh, I got you back! You came back! Oh, I'm so glad! Dean! Oh, they'll be coming back for you in a minute. We've got to get away! We've got to run away, quick!
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