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This topic has been archived - replies are not allowed.
I was watching Oprah yesterday, and the topic was about Spousal Abuse. The victim was Susan Still, and her husband (who is now her ex-husband) Ulner Lee Still, were together for 24 years, and married 14 years. This man beat and ridiculed his wife in front of their children for the last 4 years, who at the time were 21, 13, and 8 years of age. Not only did he cause such a tirade in front of them...but had his 13-year old son VIDEOTAPE a whole 51 minute session of verbal and physical abuse. There's more to this, but the thought truly makes me sick to my stomach. Please state your views to this post, and let's help all of our brothers and sisters no matter what the race is. When it comes to your life, the value of it is colorless.
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(16 of 16)
Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 10:22 PM
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Hey Wire Family (WF), 
Marchbabi, it's good to see you creating threads.
Keep 'em coming, girl.
This is a sad topic, but, it does exist. I heard this guy on the Michael Baisden show say that he saw his dad abuse his mom. He vowed that he would never do such a thing. However, when he got married and was upset with his wife, he physically abused her, too.
He said she would call the police sometimes but he would hide until they left and she stayed with him so long that it just became a regular part of their lives.
Once the children were born and they got a little older, the wife left him, on behalf of the kids.
He didn't feel any sorrow or remorse until she actually left him and divorced him.
His final comments included: encouraging women to stop putting up with this type of behavior from men and to leave as soon as possible.
I heard a (formerly abused) female on this same radio show and she said the men that women fall in love with don't start off as abusers. She said it's a gradual process that gets worse over time. The women keep an underlying thought in their minds about how the men were when they first met them and they just wait for that kindness to return.
I didn't get a chance to hear her final comments.
--
Peace,
sg
You gon' let me hold that card!
You all on me for? I do my work.
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 7:19 PM
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marchbabi1975 said:
> Bryant, you just made me think of something that
> happened to me a long time ago, so thank God for you
> being on here to circulate myself back to you:
> When you mentioned "misogyny", I used to talk to one
> of those back in '97! He wasn't what you called my
> "boyfriend" or my thing on the side, but he liked me.
> I may have told a few in the forums about this dude,
> but his main girl was white, his little dummy was a
> mixed young girl, who at the time was only 17, and
> then I was just the friend he talked to (and that's
> all I was ever going to be!) To make a long story
> short, his ATT-TI-TUDE! sucked big time toward women.
> He told me that he would spit on a bitch and push her
> down the steps....that was my cue to be out! I wasn't
> scared of him at all, because if he was to push me
> down a flight of stairs, he would've been coming down
> with me! And not only that, but my male cousins, and
> some cats from the hood would've knocked his ass down
> from 6'6" to 3/4 of an inch had he put his hands on
> me!
Bryant5493 says:
Well, it's good that you left before anything serious occurred. I don't see why some men treat their women like dirt. (Well, to a degree I do. As I mentioned earlier, they feel inferior and have to dehumanize someone else to make themselves feel good, which is pretty sad, to say it mildly.) I also don't really understand why some women let their men do that to them. (I know sometimes if the woman is verbally or physically abused by a parent, or whatever, that could lead to them feeling like they aren't worthy of being treated with any kind of dignity or respect.)
--
"It's not that you do shit; it's how you do it."
"Shit. I'll take any motherfuckin' money if he givin' it away, now."
"That's right. Wee-Bey walked in Jessup a man, and he gon' walk out one. But you out here, wearing his name, acting a bitch."
"You don't what, motherfucker? This how you pay me back for all the love I showed? Shit... I been kept you in Nikes since you were in diapers."
"Go fuck your little girl there, and leave my business to me!"
"Now... that is an exit."
--
Edited by Bryant5493 at 05/09/2007 4:25 PM
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 6:12 PM
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> Hey March! I'd say if the woman on Oprah was really
> scared it could be because he's getting scarier. I
> didn't see the Oprah, but you say they were together
> 24 years and he's been doing this for 4? That can't
> be right, he must've done something before that she
> didn't even consider abusive. Or is it only 4 years
> for physical beating? In a case like that, even if
> she is making excuses, she has to be afraid that he
> will kill her. I mean, after 20 years you just start
> taking a beating one day? There was a lot of
> conditioning going on beforehand.
Abusive relationships are about power and control. Some start out with full blown aggression and beating, but Lu is right, many escalate over time as the abuser gains more confidence that he/she can get away with it.
As to why people stay in such a relationship, there are many reasons, but one method that crops up time after time is simply that the abusive partner not only threatens the mate with death, but also makes threats against their children and even the mate's parents, as well as their brothers and sisters. Fearing harm to one's self is one thing. Harm to loved ones is quite something else.
Controlling personalities can be quite devious in their methods.
Many abused women rely on their partner for income as well. Where do they go? How do they get by? (A shelter is a temporary solution.) There are many dimensions to this problem beyond just moving out.
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(13 of 16)
Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 3:43 PM
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> Hey March! I'd say if the woman on Oprah was really
> scared it could be because he's getting scarier. I
> didn't see the Oprah, but you say they were together
> 24 years and he's been doing this for 4? That can't
> be right, he must've done something before that she
> didn't even consider abusive. Or is it only 4 years
> for physical beating? In a case like that, even if
> she is making excuses, she has to be afraid that he
> will kill her. I mean, after 20 years you just start
> taking a beating one day? There was a lot of
> conditioning going on beforehand I'd have to think.
> Or the man is mentally ill.
>
> You go 20 years no beating, then you start with a
> slap, then a punch or a kick here and there, and then
> he's gonna kill your ass eventually.
>
> I've seen that happen too. Usually when she tries to
> leave after all that time.
Yeah, I thought about that, too. He had to have been beating her ass long before that. I'm not saying that she's lying, but in some cases, it can happen like that. Either way, I would've just taken my chances hiding under the bunk from Big Mary in Cell Block 4, because he would've been food for the maggots!
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 3:33 PM
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> Hey marchbabi,
>
> Here are some thoughts:
>
> Misogyny. Power. Inferiority complex. Take your
> pick.
>
>
> SANJAYA IS GONE!!
>
> --
> "It's not that you do shit; it's how you do it."
>
> "Shit. I'll take any motherfuckin' money if he givin'
> it away, now."
>
> "That's right. Wee-Bey walked in Jessup a man, and he
> gon' walk out one. But you out here, wearing his
> name, acting a bitch."
>
> "You don't what, motherfucker? This how you pay me
> back for all the love I showed? Shit... I been kept
> you in Nikes since you were in diapers."
>
> "Go fuck your little girl there, and leave my
> business to me!"
>
> "Now... that is an exit."
Bryant, you just made me think of something that happened to me a long time ago, so thank God for you being on here to circulate myself back to you:
When you mentioned "misogyny", I used to talk to one of those back in '97! He wasn't what you called my "boyfriend" or my thing on the side, but he liked me. I may have told a few in the forums about this dude, but his main girl was white, his little dummy was a mixed young girl, who at the time was only 17, and then I was just the friend he talked to (and that's all I was ever going to be!) To make a long story short, his ATT-TI-TUDE! sucked big time toward women. He told me that he would spit on a bitch and push her down the steps....that was my cue to be out! I wasn't scared of him at all, because if he was to push me down a flight of stairs, he would've been coming down with me! And not only that, but my male cousins, and some cats from the hood would've knocked his ass down from 6'6" to 3/4 of an inch had he put his hands on me!
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(11 of 16)
Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 3:12 PM
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Hey March! I'd say if the woman on Oprah was really scared it could be because he's getting scarier. I didn't see the Oprah, but you say they were together 24 years and he's been doing this for 4? That can't be right, he must've done something before that she didn't even consider abusive. Or is it only 4 years for physical beating? In a case like that, even if she is making excuses, she has to be afraid that he will kill her. I mean, after 20 years you just start taking a beating one day? There was a lot of conditioning going on beforehand I'd have to think. Or the man is mentally ill.
You go 20 years no beating, then you start with a slap, then a punch or a kick here and there, and then he's gonna kill your ass eventually.
I've seen that happen too. Usually when she tries to leave after all that time.
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 3:02 PM
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Hey Lu! What's up? Thanks for posting. In response to what you posted, this woman said that she thought that she did things to make him mad and take rage against her the way he did. But this is what i'm not understanding: If this man is portraying himself as a the arrogant, pompous asshole that he his by putting his hands on you just for g.p., then where does your fault come into play? Some women are easily manipulated into thinking that they are always at fault and are useless, because these "weak" types of men engrave these analogies into their brains. That was like the girl that I knew whose boyfriend beat her down, and she told me that if he didn't beat her, he didn't love her? In this case when a woman says some shit like that, she's dumbfounded. VERY! She knows what the deal is, but she continues to make tired ass excuses for this clown. But the woman on Oprah was scared as hell! There's a difference. She should've played gritball with him, and I bet he wouldn't have even dreamed of hitting her anymore!
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 2:48 PM
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I've been thinking about this, and I don't' want to come off as blaming the woman, but pretty does not equal self confidence.
I've seen this stuff happen, most of the time the man will come on as overly affectionate at first. He will show himself in the beginning to be jealous and possessive, but the woman will misinterpret this as "he loves me soo much". When she responds this way, it feeds into the man's sense of power over her and he will escalate his behavior into violence. When he does this, he will often feel bad and then beg for forgiveness. Everything is wine and roses for a while after that, maybe a week at best, and then it's back to the same old.
The woman will often blame herself for everything. "He was so nice before but I just do this, or that..." She's too embarrassed to ask for help and even if someone finds out, she'll make excuses for the man. She has been brainwashed. OMG I can't count the number of times I've seen one of my friends get brainwashed by a man.
Now as for the man, he's a bitch. Plain and simple. Most of the time they wouldn't raise a hand to another man. He has the same lack of self confidence as the woman but he manifests it differently. He is angry at his feelings of inadequacy, while the woman feels guilty about hers. The woman will think "If I was just better.." and the man will think "If she was just better..."
And then there are often projecting issues. The man is doing whatever he accuses the woman of and he becomes suspicious of her every move.
And finally, on some level, the man knows he's a bitch and the woman is too good for him. He cannot loose her so he must cut her off from any type of outside support system. I've seen men cut women off from their families. This isolation aside from making it very difficult for the woman to leave, makes her more prone to think everything is her fault because she has no outside prospective. All she can see and hear is what he says.
This man does not find this woman by accident. Women with a healthy sense of self and a strong foundation of confidence will dump his ass immediately. So I repeat, it's not the woman's fault at all, but because she doesn't believe in herself, she believes it is.
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 2:06 PM
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> Knowing the person that I am, he would've gotten his
> ass kicked seriously and I would've had my brothers
> or male friends do some harm to him. Please, my dad
> alone would just do the trick and put him out of his
> misery. But sometimes I wonder what the victim is
> going through. Thank God I've never been in this
> situation, but you can't help but be in the mind of
> the woman to see why she allows herself to endure
> this type of abuse for years. I wouldn't even let it
> go on for a day, let alone 4 years. And for the man,
> seriously, what triggers this? Upbringing? I seen it
> on TV? I want to be the head honcho and beat on my
> wife to get the message that I'm king? What gives?
> I don't know, but that is one thing right there that
> t is a total disgrace. If I had to choose between a
> man cheating on me or beating on me, I would rather
> him cheat. Either way, his ass is out the door!!!!
>
> --
> "Nobody wins, one side just loses more slowly"
I'mma tell ya like my brothers told me:
"Someday, you're going to grow into a beautiful woman, who will be able to do for self, and take care of yourself. There will come a time when you'll want the opposite sex to be the shoulder that you can lean on, someone to love and hold onto. Whatever arguments or disagreements you may have throughout your relationship, y'all work that out on your own. But if that NIGGA! EVAH! decides that he wants to be Mike Tyson and you as his opponent...YOU BETTER CALL US! You may be a grown woman now, but you will always be our baby sister!"
From that day forward, I deeply took those words into consideration!
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 1:57 PM
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> Marchbabi, In some cases its some sick way of
> discipline and like you said being in control.
>
> And it always seem to happen to very attractive
> women.
>
>
> she looked like the kind of woman who any man
> would die to have on his arm when they walked in any
> place.
>
>
> I think this is one of the main reasons they end up
> being in abusive relationships because the dude
> becomes paranoid that another man could step to the
> plate and do more for her then he can which would
> cause the women to cheat or leave him.
>
> Its a way that the husband can feel confident that
> the wife wont do such a thing because the abuse makes
> her too afraid.
>
> What they fail to realize is that the abuse is
> sometimes the quickest way to get the women to cheat
> or leave.
>
> Its such a horrible situation I know dudes thats on
> that kinda time and it makes me sick.
>
> It just goes to show how weak and pathetic they all.
>
> I could never get mad enough to hit a women,
> especially not My Partner In Life.
>
> Good Thread Marchbabi but im sorry that its a topic
> that we even have to create threads about because its
> truly disturbing.
>
> Peace
>
> --
> The Games Tha Same, It Just Got More Fierce.
I know that's right! If anything, he should've been proud that he had a dimepiece to be have his back! Instead, he wants to treat her like her name is Everlast. True, it's a disturbing thread, but it's also a lifesaver for anyone who is in this situation. I wish you could see this dude. He looks like Tiki Barber! He's tall, and has an athletic build. She's small and defenseless. You can tell that she was a beautiful woman, but as the old folks used to say,
"worryation took it's toll on her". It reminds me of how Halle Berry would look once she got out of a bad relationship. Yes, I can't stand a man like that. When you're standing there looking like Boog the Bear from Open Season, and she's looking like 16 oz. of Deer Park and you want to be hitting on her like that....P.U.S.S.Y best describes you! P.U.N.K is too nice of a word! I know that me and my friend argue, but it comes to a halt after two minutes. I don't even like to argue with him, but there's no blows thrown, nor any punches landing. The day he put his hands on me, he better pack up and leave. I give thanks to my late oldest sister, when she said that battery acid and lye are "very good household items". (Now that heffah was krazy!)
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 1:27 PM
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They replay Oprah late night and I just happened to be flipping through the channels and caught the majority of this womans story. From what I understand they are going to do a follow up show on, I believe, the 24th of May.
This so called 'man' of hers should suffer the same abuse in prison that he subjected her to because he had her trapped as a prisoner not only in her own home but her life as well. He's a punk, bitch ass, weak minded, pitiful excuse for a man who needs to put fear in his wifes heart and mind in order to justify his exsistence. Pathetic doesn't even come close to describe what he is and to brainwash the children as well proves that.
--
If it is not advantageous, do not move. If objectives cannot be attained, do not employ the army. Unless endangered do not engage in warfare. The ruler cannot mobilize the army out of personal anger....When it is advantageous, move; when not advantageous, stop. Anger can revert to happiness, annoyance can revert to joy, but a vanquished state cannot be revived, the dead cannot be brought back to life.....
Sun-Tzu
Art of War
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 1:05 PM
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Knowing the person that I am, he would've gotten his ass kicked seriously and I would've had my brothers or male friends do some harm to him. Please, my dad alone would just do the trick and put him out of his misery. But sometimes I wonder what the victim is going through. Thank God I've never been in this situation, but you can't help but be in the mind of the woman to see why she allows herself to endure this type of abuse for years. I wouldn't even let it go on for a day, let alone 4 years. And for the man, seriously, what triggers this? Upbringing? I seen it on TV? I want to be the head honcho and beat on my wife to get the message that I'm king? What gives? I don't know, but that is one thing right there that is a total disgrace. If I had to choose between a man cheating on me or beating on me, I would rather him cheat. Either way, his ass is out the door!!!!
--
"Nobody wins, one side just loses more slowly"
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 1:04 PM
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Marchbabi, In some cases its some sick way of discipline and like you said being in control.
And it always seem to happen to very attractive women.
she looked like the kind of woman who any man would die to have on his arm when they walked in any place.
I think this is one of the main reasons they end up being in abusive relationships because the dude becomes paranoid that another man could step to the plate and do more for her then he can which would cause the women to cheat or leave him.
Its a way that the husband can feel confident that the wife wont do such a thing because the abuse makes her too afraid.
What they fail to realize is that the abuse is sometimes the quickest way to get the women to cheat or leave.
Its such a horrible situation I know dudes thats on that kinda time and it makes me sick.
It just goes to show how weak and pathetic they all.
I could never get mad enough to hit a women, especially not My Partner In Life.
Good Thread Marchbabi but im sorry that its a topic that we even have to create threads about because its truly disturbing.
Peace
--
The Games Tha Same, It Just Got More Fierce.
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Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 12:31 PM
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Hey Bryant. Thanks for the reply. With that mentioned, that's what I was thinking at first, but I could've been wrong. From the video tape that was viewed, it looked like that was his only way of gaining control. And it wasn't like she was an beast, she looked like the kind of woman who any man would die to have on his arm when they walked in any place. This guy has to be about 6'3" and has a build like a football player. She has to be anywhere around 5'7" and weighs about a mere 135. It's an age old saying that if a man that big has to beat on a woman so small and who is defenseless, he's a punk! He's brainwashed the kids, and they're going to be on May 24th show. I can't wait to see that one. He's a sorry disgusting maggot, and doesn't need to see the light of day. Jail is probably the best place for him anyway. He might find a man there that will do him just the same.
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(2 of 16)
Re: Spousal Abuse......What Triggers This???
May 9, 2007 12:11 PM
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Hey marchbabi,
Here are some thoughts:
Misogyny. Power. Inferiority complex. Take your pick.
SANJAYA IS GONE!!
--
"It's not that you do shit; it's how you do it."
"Shit. I'll take any motherfuckin' money if he givin' it away, now."
"That's right. Wee-Bey walked in Jessup a man, and he gon' walk out one. But you out here, wearing his name, acting a bitch."
"You don't what, motherfucker? This how you pay me back for all the love I showed? Shit... I been kept you in Nikes since you were in diapers."
"Go fuck your little girl there, and leave my business to me!"
"Now... that is an exit."
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